Bluesday

Dearest,
           I didn't officially get out of bed today until 1:30 pm. Oh sure I was up at 6:00am and ate breakfast and fed the cats but I went right back to bed after that. I slept more than 12 hours! I was up a bit during the night but nothing extreme.
Last night I went out to look at the moon about 2:00am, it was cold so I didn't stay out long. When I went out though I realized that I'd left the light on for you. In case you came home late? When I came back in I turned it off, that was so upsetting, so hard to do. Made me cry. Why am I doing this? I know that you're not coming home again. I am so in denial. Today I put one of those solar powered Christmas candles in the front window, so you can  find your way home. Trouble is, I'm the one who's lost, I'm lonesome and I can't find my way home. I'm lost in so many ways.
I  did all the packing and shipping, most of the mail and started on the Thank You cards. I'm running out of cards already, going to have to go out and buy more. I don't wanna go out! {pout} I have to bring all this stuff to the Post Office tomorrow, the stack is about three feet high. I guess I could stop by the store on the same trip. I still don't wanna. Maybe I got too much sleep, I sure am feeling bad again. How do I get back to where I belong, no one has an answer. My shrink won't talk to me, she said I have to channel my anger into constructive action. What the f___ does that mean? I said I don't need platitudes I need a direction. I made her cry I think, now she won't talk to me.
Still no dead mouse, they had it last night and were playing cat tennis with it on the freshly waxed kitchen floor, poor thing. This morning I was SO hungry, now, not so much. I guess I'll force myself to eat something in a bit. Tomorrow I'll wrap the grandsons' gifts and I guess go to the Post Office. Tonight I'll just sit around and feel sorry for me! You can call me Ramses ( King of de Nile)
Till tomorrow, sadly, Your Ken
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Hi Ken,
I feel your pain as I read your journal. I am sorry this is such a super painful season in our lives. I pray you will find some comfort... I find my comfort in the loving arms of Jesus. He is always there, if you want Him!

I stayed up to see the lunar eclipse also. I figured I just HAD to, since the last one was in the 1600\'s. But, like you, I didn\'t stay for the whole show. Got sleepy and went to bed.

I\'m sending hugs your way....
Linda
deleted_user
deleted_user

I got a chance to see the eclipse as well for a moment. A bit chilly for me. I must admit the interruption messed my sleep up for most of the day. Plus I have been sleeping during the day more than usual. I like to hibernate during the winter..Just cant take the cold. Good Luck on the gift packing and wrapping hope you get it all done..~Christi
deleted_user
deleted_user

Ken- When someone we loves dies, it feels unreal-like a bad ream you just can\'t wake up from. Our logic knows what our hearts can\'t fathom. Bit by bit, reality starts to intrude, facing the loss moment to moment is hard. We are all \"lost\" right now.We are all in the process of \"falling apart\" so God take take and reform us into whatever comes next-like a caterpillar being re-formed into a butterfly. Anger is part of grief-at God, our loved one-ourselves-the list is long, the trick is to use the energy wasted on anger for something positive. Truth is anger only hurts us-why waste the energy and spirit. In time you may find something to do-volunteer-whatever, that will really speak to your heart, and use the \"anger\" energy for that.I always find that I receive much more than I ever give, and there are so many great needs. I pray and listen to God\'s voice and then let Holy Spirit lead. I also spend a lot of time resting in Jesus and feeling His comfort. Maybe you\'re not there yet, it does and will work. Not make everything happy or great but there will be the gift of God\'s Peace which really does pass all understanding. Think I saw a bit of the eclipse-sort of cloudy where I am. I pray God\'s Peace for you and send a BIG HUG!-Pam
deauxgirl
deauxgirl

Ken, I think we all have some things we hang on to. Your\'s is leaving the light on for her. My husband\'s flip flops are under the nightstand, where he left them. I\'ve given away most of his shoes, but can\'t move them.
Anger is part of the grieving process that I haven\'t experienced yet. I\'m not mad at him for dying, just sad. Sad that he didn\'t want to open up to me about his fears. He was protecting me.
I admire you so much, for working around the house and getting things done. You seem to handle that part of being alone very well. I just get the basic things done.
I think sleeping to much, makes you tired, at least for me it does. It has to be hard not to want to, since it\'s so cold where you are. We reached almost 70 today.
Stay warm,
Paula
deleted_user
deleted_user

Ken, I can hear your pain. I think your therapist may be expecting too much escpecially during your first holidays. Don\'t beat yourself up, the grief will do that for you. Whatever you have to do to make it though. I am impressed that you wrote out cards and are mailing gifts. I managed to buy the kids some gifts but not caring about sending cards, still dealing with anger \"how dare everyone else be happy\". I know it\'s hateful and rediculous but that\'s how I feel, not really how I act. I was standing outside looking at the moon myself tongiht. It is so bright and full and there are some fleecy clouds and the sky full of stars. Beautfiul but cold and stark without Rob. My heart goes out to you. You\'re get out of bed when you have to get things done, in the meantime you\'re ok. Hug, Donna
deleted_user
deleted_user

Ken, I so feel your pain. I have gotten angry a couple of times, but I think I\'m back to feeling numb again right now. I do just enough to keep the house from getting way out of control...haven\'t been able to do any major cleaning yet. Just don\'t have the desire to do it yet. Right now I feel like what\'s the point. I\'m the only one here and have no one to impress. Will keep you in my prayers.
Hugs,
Jean
deleted_user
deleted_user

Ramses,
De Nile is not just a river in Egypt. It is part of the process. In your head you know what\'s going on, but your heart tells you otherwise. That\'s okay. It is all a part of this lonely river of grief.
So far as making your psych cry? You need a different therapist. She won\'t talk to you? Sounds like she has more issues than you. A Certified Grief Specialist will help - they don\'t just sit around and listen but offer solid advice and guidance.
I think you are handling as much as you can. Buying and wrapping gifts, sending cards, cleaning the house - that\'s a lot of stuff. And thank you notes? I haven\'t sent a one... just can\'t get my head around that one. Sorry Emily Post.
Hang in there Ken. I\'m sending you warmth and light and a hug.
Linda
deleted_user
deleted_user

I didn\'t even know there was going to be an eclipse so I guess I missed it. I think it is really good for you to write down all the things you accomplish, lets you see how much you have done. I don\'t know how you manage to get it all done. I don\'t get done in a week what you get done in a day. I need to start writing down what I do. I would then be so ashamed of my list that I would get motivated, just a theory.
hang in there. Wishing you peace and comfort this rough week
Angie
songsofthenight
songsofthenight

I\'m with Linda, you need to get a new therapist, one who has life experience, book learning doesn\'t cut it. In the past when I\'ve went, the first one didn\'t know jack, my daughter had died and I wasn\'t getting over it, his words. I asked him if he\'d lost a child, nope...lost a wife, nope...lost a loved one, nope... lost anyone important to you, nope...well then you ain\'t for me as you haven\'t got a clue of what I\'m going through. The second one was very good as she\'d been through losing children and illnesses so it worked out great. Take it easy....hugs, Sandi