Blue night
Why is it I'm never sure if I'm feeling sad legitimately, or if I'm just having a pity party for myself? Maybe because I'm feeling sad for myself and somehow on some level I feel that is pathetic even though another part of me feels that is is a justifiable sadness. Tonight is one of those nights.
I had a conversation with my soon to be ex this afternoon which was as eye opening as it was discouraging. After years of mental re-commitments to our relationship, of dealing with his alcohol abuse, of working and going to school, cooking, keeping traditions, gift giving, of years of disappointing sex, of not being understood, of burying pets and attending weddings, I realized that he will never acknowledge that my contribution to our relationship and our household has any value because the whole time he paid the mortgage. Because my financial contributions were less (although he lived in my house for several months before we bought our current home and I paid rent, utilities and bought all of our food, in addition to the debt I've incurred on credit cards that I've never been able to pay off in the time we've been together because of continuing to purchase groceries, pay the electric, pay for his health insurance, etc...) he has no respect for what I did contribute. I feel defeated. I also feel insecure. I knew he was not the man for me, even from the beginning I knew. And yet I continued, year after year to try and convince myself that I should stay. Was it guilt? Yes. It was guilt. After all, I stayed with him and bought this house with him because the alternative was to give up my children until I could afford a place for us all to live. So I tried, and I did try very hard, to make a home for us. I welcomed his children, I cooked for everyone, I picked out all the presents at Christmas, we baked cookies, we went camping, we fought, we laughed, we forgave.
And now we are breaking up. Now, when I am almost done with school, when the economy is better, when his children are all grown and 2 out of my 3 are grown as well, we have reached the breaking point. I'm not sure exactly why. When did the frustration with our inability to meet each other's needs turn the corner to irreparable? Is that when it happens to other couples? When things seem to be reaching a point that the outside pressures recede so that the internal pressure can swell and explode? Or have we just been on a long long road with this at the end?
I don't believe that I will be substantially happier when we have made the split final. I believe that we are trading an unhappiness together for an unhappiness apart. I feel that this time around the loss is too great. But maybe that's just what I'm feeling right now. I hope so.
I had a conversation with my soon to be ex this afternoon which was as eye opening as it was discouraging. After years of mental re-commitments to our relationship, of dealing with his alcohol abuse, of working and going to school, cooking, keeping traditions, gift giving, of years of disappointing sex, of not being understood, of burying pets and attending weddings, I realized that he will never acknowledge that my contribution to our relationship and our household has any value because the whole time he paid the mortgage. Because my financial contributions were less (although he lived in my house for several months before we bought our current home and I paid rent, utilities and bought all of our food, in addition to the debt I've incurred on credit cards that I've never been able to pay off in the time we've been together because of continuing to purchase groceries, pay the electric, pay for his health insurance, etc...) he has no respect for what I did contribute. I feel defeated. I also feel insecure. I knew he was not the man for me, even from the beginning I knew. And yet I continued, year after year to try and convince myself that I should stay. Was it guilt? Yes. It was guilt. After all, I stayed with him and bought this house with him because the alternative was to give up my children until I could afford a place for us all to live. So I tried, and I did try very hard, to make a home for us. I welcomed his children, I cooked for everyone, I picked out all the presents at Christmas, we baked cookies, we went camping, we fought, we laughed, we forgave.
And now we are breaking up. Now, when I am almost done with school, when the economy is better, when his children are all grown and 2 out of my 3 are grown as well, we have reached the breaking point. I'm not sure exactly why. When did the frustration with our inability to meet each other's needs turn the corner to irreparable? Is that when it happens to other couples? When things seem to be reaching a point that the outside pressures recede so that the internal pressure can swell and explode? Or have we just been on a long long road with this at the end?
I don't believe that I will be substantially happier when we have made the split final. I believe that we are trading an unhappiness together for an unhappiness apart. I feel that this time around the loss is too great. But maybe that's just what I'm feeling right now. I hope so.
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