blind sided...

This morning I went to the gym, first time since I started IVF and then pregnancy... I got up and went really early so I could avoid the morning rush of mum's with their little ones... I get there and yep, there it was a pregnant woman... probably about 4 maybe 5 months... around what I should have been. It took me forever to get my self under control and not want to just run out of the gym... I just kept my eyes on the wall or the clock and watched the minutes tick while I tried to hold back the tears....
then at my mum's my little nephew asks me what had happened to my baby, when I told him the baby had gone to heaven, he says why is the baby with god? and why wont your baby come back to you?... I had to leave the room as I started to bawl my eyes out.
 
so this afternoon to try and make my self feel better, I decided to cook a nice dinner and dessert for DH and I... it was all lovely until we settled down to watch one of our favourite shows which we hadn't seen for a while... and guess what, yep THE PRESENTER WAS PREGNANT!
I had to turn off the show and I just sat there with my heart completely broken, thinking why me?
I don't get it any more, why is this happening? why do I keep trying to desperately pull my head out of the water  only to have it shoved down again?
I just don't understand...