blind sided...
This morning I went to the gym, first time since I started IVF and then pregnancy... I got up and went really early so I could avoid the morning rush of mum's with their little ones... I get there and yep, there it was a pregnant woman... probably about 4 maybe 5 months... around what I should have been. It took me forever to get my self under control and not want to just run out of the gym... I just kept my eyes on the wall or the clock and watched the minutes tick while I tried to hold back the tears....
then at my mum's my little nephew asks me what had happened to my baby, when I told him the baby had gone to heaven, he says why is the baby with god? and why wont your baby come back to you?... I had to leave the room as I started to bawl my eyes out.
so this afternoon to try and make my self feel better, I decided to cook a nice dinner and dessert for DH and I... it was all lovely until we settled down to watch one of our favourite shows which we hadn't seen for a while... and guess what, yep THE PRESENTER WAS PREGNANT!
I had to turn off the show and I just sat there with my heart completely broken, thinking why me?
I don't get it any more, why is this happening? why do I keep trying to desperately pull my head out of the water only to have it shoved down again?
I just don't understand...
then at my mum's my little nephew asks me what had happened to my baby, when I told him the baby had gone to heaven, he says why is the baby with god? and why wont your baby come back to you?... I had to leave the room as I started to bawl my eyes out.
so this afternoon to try and make my self feel better, I decided to cook a nice dinner and dessert for DH and I... it was all lovely until we settled down to watch one of our favourite shows which we hadn't seen for a while... and guess what, yep THE PRESENTER WAS PREGNANT!
I had to turn off the show and I just sat there with my heart completely broken, thinking why me?
I don't get it any more, why is this happening? why do I keep trying to desperately pull my head out of the water only to have it shoved down again?
I just don't understand...
Replies
Lina, I know how you are feeling. My 4 year old god daughter first asked me this weekend where the baby was. Her mom explained to her that the baby hurt my tummy and then went up to heaven. Then yesterday when I saw her, she asked me if my belly was feeling better. Then she actually asked me if I was doing okay. I would have been starting my second trimester this week and it kills me thinking about it when everyone else seems to have no problems. I even turn the radio station when there are songs about children and babies. Maybe in our own time things will start to get better.
I had a similar experience last night. My entire family is in florida on vacation and my brother popped in a video of his daughter\'s first Xmas. It had beautiful
music and my niece looked beautiful. I was okay at first and then had to use everything in me to make it thru it. After the video I ran into the bathroom and balled my eyes out.
The truth is, we can get thru this and our dreams will come true. Hold on to it. Remember \"fear is not fact\". Your day will come, unfortunately it\'s taking longer than you would like. Hang in there....
I am sooooo sorry!!!
Yesterday my 2 year old hugged my belly and said right into my navel \"Hey baby sister! I the big sister!\" And I smiled and rubbed her head and tried not to cry. I didn\'t know what to say. I\'m just going to choose to believe that these little hurts remind us that we aren\'t done healing... I\'m reminded that it still hurts and it\'s ok that it still hurts. Perhaps over time it hurts less and less and we realize that is ok too... I\'m so sorry we\'re all going through this.