Blended families
Blended families can be very difficult at times. With heterosexual couples its difficult as well but the difference may be that one parent is a part time parent so you only have one set of troubles. Example a woman with a child marries a man with a child. She may have her child full time while he has his on weekends, holidays, etc... In that case the mother may take the bulk of the child rearing duties on as that's has been the routine since the beginning. Any additional children the couple has will fall into line with the woman's other child since that is the role everyone has taken on and that is the order that has been established.
Two women with children...... Smh..... Talk about hard knock life! It is definitely a major challenge. My particular situation is such. My partner has children that she has raised in what we will call "style A", I have a child that I didn't get to raise much because of custody issues with his father so for 2 years her children were the only children I had. Although she is their parent I took on a lot of the mothering duties as from time to time her illnesses got in the way on her doing certain things.
Now that's no problem for me at all, the problem comes when she would get upset and tell them they didn't have to listen to me or to ignore me, when she undermines decisions that I make when it comes to them or doesn't follow through on rules or punishments that I set.
Now here we are today.... Together almost 4 years with her children, my oldest back in the picture, a 20 month old we have together and I am currently 8 months pregnant with our second together. The children are now 4 years older than when I met them and at this pointy partner and I from time to time butt heads when it comes to parenting the kids.
She has raised her children with the style "A" and I am more style "B".
A few of the issues I see are
1. She feels like I am too hard on her youngest who at this point is soon to be 12 and still has to be told to do simple things. I get frustrated because she feels like I am too hard on him and when I try to explain that I am hard on him because we have a toddler and a newborn on the way and I can't run behind him like he's a baby too, she gets offended because she feels like its is an insult to her parenting.
2. She gets frustrated with the 12 year old and tried to make me handle things but has an issue with the way that I do things.
3. She tries to compare the way I treat the older kids to the way I treat the toddler. Of course I let him get away with a little more than the other ones because I expect more from them. She is quick to try to parent the toddler yet the older kids are left hanging because she feels like she has already messed up with them so the new kids are her re-do.
4. She doesn't want to take control but won't let me do it either. This becomes an issue when I am with the kids majority of the time because I feel like I shouldn't even try. Example the 12 year old left his key at school twice so when he came home I told her not to unlock the door, let him stand out there for a while and eventually he will remember the importance of making sure he has it because someone is not always going to be here to let him in. Of course she looked at me crazy, rolled her eyes and opens the door. His excuse for not having the key was that he didn't go to the class he left it in so if we hadn't been here he still would have been outside just like the day b4 when he left his key and sat outside for 6 hours. Didn't go to a neighbors, didn't ask to use someone's phone to call one of us, couldn't use his own phone because he lost it......
not to mention he brought home a report card with about 3 Fs. I lay down a course of punishment but clearly it want good enough cu she didn't follow through on any of it and to top it off she went to work talking about it so now one of her co workers feels like he can handle it so she is supposed to be taking him to work with her tomorrow because this co worker " has something for that"..... Now her heart may have been on the right place but she never thinks about how her decisions may affect me, how that may have made me feel.
Cuz right now I feel like I don't even know why I try when she has the village to raise her child. Like we weren't handling the situation at home somebody from work had to step in and handle it. The dilemma that creates for me is this. Why am I even attempting when it's all in vain. She can leave him with me while she works and I cook and clean up after him but when it comes to anything else it's an issue. So if I say forget it and you do what you want with your child I look like the ass hole. I left for a few months thinking I was going to be able to help us financially and it turned out horribly so I'm back home. Now that I'm here everything is my fault. His grades, his acting up, her lack of trust...... Everything wrong in the world is because I left so I don't even feel comfortable discussing how I feel about things with her because it all falls back to that fact.
I'm already so stressed out because of the way other things have been going and I don't have anyone to help out. I can't work so she is bringing in all the money so I have no room to ask her to help with the kids because she is so tired yet when I handle the kids she has n issue with the way that I do things. And I am at my whits end because I feel like I'm putting in efforts where they are clearly not needed.
The issues isn't The children because children just know love but the issue comes to the fact of loyalty. If I say go left and she says go right we are going to have children running in every which direction because out of respect they want to listen to the other adult but loyalty lies with mom because at the end of the day she was there before I ever came around.
It really is just frustrating because there is no unity. And we have both been through so much when it comes to our children that we both have adapted the way we parent to cater to them in a way that it does make it difficult for someone else to step up.
After my ex took my oldest I went 3 years without seeing or talking to him so when my youngest was born I held on to him so tight. It doesn't bother me because he is very smart and very independent but he likes to test his limits (which at almost 2 I was actually expecting) but it bothers her.
Her youngest (now 12) was her sick baby so she held on to him tightly and closely... Now he is the definition of a momma's boy, he hovers around 24/7 offering help which is fine and it doesn't bother her but it bothers me, you want to help do extra stuff but you don't even do what you are supposed to do.
Which means guess who has to do it?
Not saying either of us are wrong in how we choose to raise the kids but there is no team, there is no unified front so frequently the kids get away from us and situations go unaddressed.
Part of me just wants to tap out but how confusing and unfair would that be to the kids to have 2 sets of rules in the same household. Smh I'm so confused as to how to handle this situation as I have dated women with children before and I let them do what they wanted with their kids but I have never trusted anyone enough to not only have my own child around them let alone to have more Children with them so I don't even know where to go with this one.
Two women with children...... Smh..... Talk about hard knock life! It is definitely a major challenge. My particular situation is such. My partner has children that she has raised in what we will call "style A", I have a child that I didn't get to raise much because of custody issues with his father so for 2 years her children were the only children I had. Although she is their parent I took on a lot of the mothering duties as from time to time her illnesses got in the way on her doing certain things.
Now that's no problem for me at all, the problem comes when she would get upset and tell them they didn't have to listen to me or to ignore me, when she undermines decisions that I make when it comes to them or doesn't follow through on rules or punishments that I set.
Now here we are today.... Together almost 4 years with her children, my oldest back in the picture, a 20 month old we have together and I am currently 8 months pregnant with our second together. The children are now 4 years older than when I met them and at this pointy partner and I from time to time butt heads when it comes to parenting the kids.
She has raised her children with the style "A" and I am more style "B".
A few of the issues I see are
1. She feels like I am too hard on her youngest who at this point is soon to be 12 and still has to be told to do simple things. I get frustrated because she feels like I am too hard on him and when I try to explain that I am hard on him because we have a toddler and a newborn on the way and I can't run behind him like he's a baby too, she gets offended because she feels like its is an insult to her parenting.
2. She gets frustrated with the 12 year old and tried to make me handle things but has an issue with the way that I do things.
3. She tries to compare the way I treat the older kids to the way I treat the toddler. Of course I let him get away with a little more than the other ones because I expect more from them. She is quick to try to parent the toddler yet the older kids are left hanging because she feels like she has already messed up with them so the new kids are her re-do.
4. She doesn't want to take control but won't let me do it either. This becomes an issue when I am with the kids majority of the time because I feel like I shouldn't even try. Example the 12 year old left his key at school twice so when he came home I told her not to unlock the door, let him stand out there for a while and eventually he will remember the importance of making sure he has it because someone is not always going to be here to let him in. Of course she looked at me crazy, rolled her eyes and opens the door. His excuse for not having the key was that he didn't go to the class he left it in so if we hadn't been here he still would have been outside just like the day b4 when he left his key and sat outside for 6 hours. Didn't go to a neighbors, didn't ask to use someone's phone to call one of us, couldn't use his own phone because he lost it......
not to mention he brought home a report card with about 3 Fs. I lay down a course of punishment but clearly it want good enough cu she didn't follow through on any of it and to top it off she went to work talking about it so now one of her co workers feels like he can handle it so she is supposed to be taking him to work with her tomorrow because this co worker " has something for that"..... Now her heart may have been on the right place but she never thinks about how her decisions may affect me, how that may have made me feel.
Cuz right now I feel like I don't even know why I try when she has the village to raise her child. Like we weren't handling the situation at home somebody from work had to step in and handle it. The dilemma that creates for me is this. Why am I even attempting when it's all in vain. She can leave him with me while she works and I cook and clean up after him but when it comes to anything else it's an issue. So if I say forget it and you do what you want with your child I look like the ass hole. I left for a few months thinking I was going to be able to help us financially and it turned out horribly so I'm back home. Now that I'm here everything is my fault. His grades, his acting up, her lack of trust...... Everything wrong in the world is because I left so I don't even feel comfortable discussing how I feel about things with her because it all falls back to that fact.
I'm already so stressed out because of the way other things have been going and I don't have anyone to help out. I can't work so she is bringing in all the money so I have no room to ask her to help with the kids because she is so tired yet when I handle the kids she has n issue with the way that I do things. And I am at my whits end because I feel like I'm putting in efforts where they are clearly not needed.
The issues isn't The children because children just know love but the issue comes to the fact of loyalty. If I say go left and she says go right we are going to have children running in every which direction because out of respect they want to listen to the other adult but loyalty lies with mom because at the end of the day she was there before I ever came around.
It really is just frustrating because there is no unity. And we have both been through so much when it comes to our children that we both have adapted the way we parent to cater to them in a way that it does make it difficult for someone else to step up.
After my ex took my oldest I went 3 years without seeing or talking to him so when my youngest was born I held on to him so tight. It doesn't bother me because he is very smart and very independent but he likes to test his limits (which at almost 2 I was actually expecting) but it bothers her.
Her youngest (now 12) was her sick baby so she held on to him tightly and closely... Now he is the definition of a momma's boy, he hovers around 24/7 offering help which is fine and it doesn't bother her but it bothers me, you want to help do extra stuff but you don't even do what you are supposed to do.
Which means guess who has to do it?
Not saying either of us are wrong in how we choose to raise the kids but there is no team, there is no unified front so frequently the kids get away from us and situations go unaddressed.
Part of me just wants to tap out but how confusing and unfair would that be to the kids to have 2 sets of rules in the same household. Smh I'm so confused as to how to handle this situation as I have dated women with children before and I let them do what they wanted with their kids but I have never trusted anyone enough to not only have my own child around them let alone to have more Children with them so I don't even know where to go with this one.
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