blast from the past
was over by brother's house this last weekend and had a great time gettin' together with the family. leaving this house I had to reflect on my childhood and the reason for a lot of my life's problems.
ya see, both my bro and sis are about 15 years older than me and after I was born I think deep down, without realizing it, begun to think things like 'why am I here" and "do I really belong" and felt it was abnormal that I should come so late and have siblings that are so much older than me. Then as I was picked on in grade school that only seemed to confirm what I kinda already felt... that I was abnormal. See, I didn't attribute my being picked on to the defects of the people who were picking on me, I attributed it to the fact that there was something wrong with me. Rather than believe that they were simply jerks or whatever, I believed they were by nature good people and the fact I didn't have this friend or that friend or got picked on was because of the nature of ME. And that set the tone for the rest of my life until last year when I kinda pulled the bandage off the wound to reveal the sore underneath. so I spent a lot of my life with problems with my self esteem and these problems helped complicate problems in my marriage. When during high school when my brother was not talking to me as much as he used to, I, of course, attributed it to perhaps he did not care for me or hated me or something like that,anything other than maybe he was going through his own problems.... and now he and I can talk together with no problems and he is glad to see me and we can talk about adult things.... boy how wrong I was and these problems were ones I created myself but did not fully realize what I had done and rather than admitting to it I was merely feeding my angst instead of eliminating it.
ya see, both my bro and sis are about 15 years older than me and after I was born I think deep down, without realizing it, begun to think things like 'why am I here" and "do I really belong" and felt it was abnormal that I should come so late and have siblings that are so much older than me. Then as I was picked on in grade school that only seemed to confirm what I kinda already felt... that I was abnormal. See, I didn't attribute my being picked on to the defects of the people who were picking on me, I attributed it to the fact that there was something wrong with me. Rather than believe that they were simply jerks or whatever, I believed they were by nature good people and the fact I didn't have this friend or that friend or got picked on was because of the nature of ME. And that set the tone for the rest of my life until last year when I kinda pulled the bandage off the wound to reveal the sore underneath. so I spent a lot of my life with problems with my self esteem and these problems helped complicate problems in my marriage. When during high school when my brother was not talking to me as much as he used to, I, of course, attributed it to perhaps he did not care for me or hated me or something like that,anything other than maybe he was going through his own problems.... and now he and I can talk together with no problems and he is glad to see me and we can talk about adult things.... boy how wrong I was and these problems were ones I created myself but did not fully realize what I had done and rather than admitting to it I was merely feeding my angst instead of eliminating it.
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