Blame Shifting. GRRR...
I miss my "real" blog where I can leave some stuff public, some stuff private, and intermix the two within a single post.
Here, I feel like it's all or nothing, which shouldn't matter since I'm fairly anonymous. Still, it's annoying.
I am very guilty of "placing blame" wherever I can. "OUCH! You MADE ME hit my thumb with the hammer!" Yep. That's me. I've worked SO hard to overcome this horrid habit. It started back when I was in IC and after some picking at scabs I was finally able to admit that part of the reason I was so unhappy is because I felt like things happened TO me not BECAUSE of me. After talking through some specific scenarios, I was quickly guided to the realization that I had responsibility in most (probably all?) of the scenarios.
That said, I still struggled with ownership of my part in my husband's affair. I didn't immediately deny any responsibility, but I did feel angry that our MC immediately went to the, "Well, gee, what did YOU do to cause this to happen?" place. Honestly, it was too soon. I needed my chance to be hurt and feel validated in my feelings. But now? Yep. I see that while it was ENTIRELY his choice (and the OW's) I played a role in setting the stage for the terrible scene that played out. He could have made other choices, but I could have made better choices, too.
So this is why I get SO angry hearing from CS or the AP when they shift blame to anyone or anything else but them. "Well, I was feeling sad..." or "I had low self esteem" or "The Devil Made Me Do It". (OMFG ... seriously?)
I know, I know. Not everyone is in the same place of recovery. Not everyone has the same skills. Not everyone has the same understanding. I certainly didn't understand for the longest time that I was making MYSELF the victim. I need to just take a deep breath and maybe step away for a wee bit to gain perspective I think, cos this particular nettle has wedged itself firmly up my behind and I need to shake that danged thing loose.
Here, I feel like it's all or nothing, which shouldn't matter since I'm fairly anonymous. Still, it's annoying.
I am very guilty of "placing blame" wherever I can. "OUCH! You MADE ME hit my thumb with the hammer!" Yep. That's me. I've worked SO hard to overcome this horrid habit. It started back when I was in IC and after some picking at scabs I was finally able to admit that part of the reason I was so unhappy is because I felt like things happened TO me not BECAUSE of me. After talking through some specific scenarios, I was quickly guided to the realization that I had responsibility in most (probably all?) of the scenarios.
That said, I still struggled with ownership of my part in my husband's affair. I didn't immediately deny any responsibility, but I did feel angry that our MC immediately went to the, "Well, gee, what did YOU do to cause this to happen?" place. Honestly, it was too soon. I needed my chance to be hurt and feel validated in my feelings. But now? Yep. I see that while it was ENTIRELY his choice (and the OW's) I played a role in setting the stage for the terrible scene that played out. He could have made other choices, but I could have made better choices, too.
So this is why I get SO angry hearing from CS or the AP when they shift blame to anyone or anything else but them. "Well, I was feeling sad..." or "I had low self esteem" or "The Devil Made Me Do It". (OMFG ... seriously?)
I know, I know. Not everyone is in the same place of recovery. Not everyone has the same skills. Not everyone has the same understanding. I certainly didn't understand for the longest time that I was making MYSELF the victim. I need to just take a deep breath and maybe step away for a wee bit to gain perspective I think, cos this particular nettle has wedged itself firmly up my behind and I need to shake that danged thing loose.
Replies
I do similar things when I am angry. I immediately want to shift blame b/c it\'s easy to \"be in the right\" if I am the \"victim\" in whatever situation. It was EXTREMELY hard for me to NOT do that seeing as I was the CS. I did not want to make my W feel worse about what I chose to do. While logically I knew my A was MY FAULT and nobody else\'s choice, it was hard not to say \"but I felt so horrible about me b/c of YOU.\" B/c let\'s face it, that\'s just a b*tch move on my part.
But I\'ve noticed I do it in other situations. Of course, I\'ve always also known that I like to manipulate and spent many years doing that just for the \"fun\" of it. Luckily in college I realized it was too much darn work! but it\'s hard when I am angry to NOT revert back to the way I KNOW.
You were in NO way responsible for the A. You were, however, responsibile for the marriage not being wonderful. The A was just a symptom of what was deeper. And while you never have to take blame for the A, keep working toward taking responsibility for your marriage; past present and future.
Amen, sistah. Just gotta own my own sh*t and let everyone else worry about themselves. :)