Black Friday

Today I didn't do much, as normal for days when I don't work. I didn't feel too bad today, and I did sleep a lot to make up for the nights when I didn't sleep. I think I got like 14 hours of sleep last night, and it felt good. I slept pretty well through the night, with only my couple of normal bathroom wakes. I have been hallucinating all day for some unknown reason, though. I did forget my medications, but that was on Tuesday and I've been fine since. My eyes are also doing that blurry thing where it gets hard to see sometimes if I focus on the screen too long. I just want to type with my eyes closed, and then go back and fix all the errors. I think that's what I'm going to do for now. I did go for my walk today, I did 1.3 miles. It took me a bit longer than I wanted it to, but I did the whole thing without sitting, so I should be glad for what I can manage.
Mood today was good, but then I woke up Geo when he didn't want to be woken up and he had an attitude. I kinda don't blame him for having an attitude, but I was just waking him at the normal time that I wake him up every night for dinner. I guess he wanted to sleep more. I guess he didn't sleep well last night. I don't know, since I was asleep the whole time. I was in bed pretty much all day, so I didn't get a good read on his mood. I feel bad now, though, because I made him feel bad. I'm trying to not let him get such a hold on my emotions but it's hard. I'm so dependent on him emotionally, and so when he's in a bad mood I get in a bad mood even if I was in a good mood before. Now I'm starting to get depressed, and I think it's also a natural occurrence from the hypomania I've been in for the past couple days. I just hope that I can get over the depression fast.
I don't like being depressed. Sometimes I do, but generally I don't. Sometimes I just want that feeling of someone to take care of me, but now I don't have someone to take care of me the way I want to be taken care of unless I go into the hospital, and I don't want to do that unless I have to. Sometimes I just want to be spoiled, and I feel that being in the hospital spoils me. But right now, I don't want to be depressed, I want to be happy. I want to be normal. I don't want to have to take all these pills to make me normal, I just want to be normal. I know being normal comes with it's ups and downs, but nothing like what I go through- especially lately.
I don't know what else to say. I'm supposed to not do short journals, but I can't think of things of more things to write before I do my conclusion of the day (food log, etc). My therapist says to watch out when I want to do short journals because it means I'm trying to not say something. I just don't know what's hanging out in the back of my mind. It doesn't help that I'm having a conversation on Skype with a friend about random stuff (religion and crime in alien races... don't ask). But the conversation is helping me forget about the tiff with Geo and my depression. I just know I can only hide for so long... I have to go out there sometime and face Geo and hope he's in a better mood.
Okay, I'm just going to do my nightly report. Food today was horrible.... I'm not even at 800 calories. But I'm hungry again, so I'm just going to go out and have a sandwich or something. I need more carbohydrates since I'm super low on them today but high on protein. I just wasn't hungry in the middle of the day and at night I got hungry. I might actually have ramen, since that sounds good and has carbohydrates. I need to conserve food, since it's the end of the month and we have no more food stamps until the 3rd of December. I knew I shouldn't have gotten so much food at the store and I should have gotten other food, like milk, that would do us good. Instead I got things like yogurt for me (but I needed it). Darn it, I'm getting mad for buying food for myself again. It's not my fault that Geo eats everything in sight. I am allowed to buy myself food, and not beat myself up for it. Maybe that's what's getting me down. The whole food situation again. I'm always worried about food, since we never have enough. It's Geo and his drinks. He needs milk and soda, and we don't have money for that. If only he could just drink water and be happy like me. I don't know. There are so many things that I want, but I can't get them. Oh well. I have to learn to be happy with things the way they are, because they aren't going to change anytime soon.

Replies

penny59
penny59

Sorry that I haven\'t been here for you. I haven\'t been online because I moved and have been so busy with that. Sorry you feel depressed. You need to buy yourself some food also.you deserve food too. I hope you feel better soon. Hugs