blast

Oh blast hehe. rather than saying oh shite! Blast it, I slept in again... So therefore I missed the gym. I haven't been to the gym this week at all!!! I have walked on the tredmill once (jogged actually) and gone for a walk with my sister by the river which was productive but my goals reach further and kind of rely on me getting out of bed. OOps there goes the internal language 'OH BUT'.. this and that. Which seems to dominate my mind a lot! I've been turning my alarm off every day this week and I'm feeling quite depressed physically as well as mentally still. I've this lack of energy and motivation.. but at the same time feel like binge eating is giving me something to do more than anything and a focus that lifts my energy up and allows me to enjoy myself for a Time. I haven't done it massively though - just gone with whatever I've found around the house rather than going out and about to blow my budget on crap junk food. Well the counsellior said i needed to focus on good thigns that have been playing a role in my day to day life. Things that are personal - things I can reflect positively on that reveal how I am proud of myself. Yesterday it was that I went for a walk and connected with my sister without letting my jealousy at her weight loss get to me. Today I don't know yet. Next week I aim to be productive because there's no uni, just work and I can do all my projects for uni!! and then next term which isn't too far off i'm going to join a dance class and a choir project, as well as possibly another music thing. Hopefully that's somethign I can keep myself occupied with so that I don't get depressed. I hate waking up as though there's no hope for the day because surely there definately is!!! I just need to have a mroe passionate will to love and live.