Bizarro Christmas (moved)

Whoops! I meant for this to be a journal, not a forum post. This isn't forum stuff! My family is a Christmas-celebrating family, by which I mean we become slightly manic at this time of year. Like any family, we have nuts and whackos among us (funny how we always assume the crazies are *other* people). So here, for your amusement, is my running journal of bizarro moments from the Atkinson Christmas of 2009. Slightly ribald humor... My sister-in-law and her partner are spending their first Christmas with us in the capacity of a couple. Tonya and I have warmly embraced the young woman who has been her partner for quite a while, but it took a re-coming-out event to convince her family, once more, that having another woman as a partner is *not* a phase, act of defiance, seditious atheism, or college prank. When my mother-in-law uttered the instantly-classic line, "hey, we ALL sleep with things we like", all us younguns turned red and tried not to bust out laughing, while the two of them fist-bumped in glee. I want "We ALL sleep with things we like" on a T-shirt. Is it too late to ask for this as a Christmas gift? Mom-in-law topped herself the next day when she intended to comment on how we of the male gender like our electronic gadgets and hi-tech entertainment. But it came out like this: "Well, men just like to play with their tools." I think I'll name my wrench, pliers, or electric cutters something awesome. Like "Thor." Speaking of men and our tools, my innocent little cousin, age 4, was playing with his aunt - my wife - and was sitting in her lap. He made the loud pronouncement (at church, during Christmas Eve dinner), "This makes my penis go up and down!" Everyone had a "stun" moment before raucous laughing, including at least one grown man who said, "can I sit on her lap next?" I have NO idea what kind of warped person would make that kind of joke. Ever have those moments where you try to say two close words and accidentally switch their consonant sounds, like "take a shower" becomes "shake a tower?" Ever have a mother whose singing voice is one of the loudest in the church? Combine those two, add an Advent carol, and the stanza "Our hearts are filled with warmth" becomes "Our fart are filled with warmth." Mom sings on, oblivious to what she has just proclaimed to everyone in the church, including all the shepherds abiding in the field and whatnot. Did Gabriel ever have moments like that? We're thankful for these fun moments, given that my mom's health problems have the family worried, but this is exactly the kind of humor my mom thinks is hysterical (her role model, I am convinced is the character of Del Griffith from "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles"--even my mom knows they are identical! They even look alike, except for the mustache. Wait, Del has a mustache too, though, doesn't he?)

Replies

finalytime
finalytime

hahhahhaha...big whoops! Sounds like your having fun though
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh Matt, this IS the times that make the other things just fade into the background...and, may I venture a guess as to who the unidentified \"next in her lap\" man might have been? (does he like to watch household chores unfold before him?) I think it is hysterical.

We all have those moments we recall as hilarity, even when they are so filled with what would otherwise be very sticky moments. I love that you shared this with us. I was hoping your MIL would keep her self in check for your\'s and Tonya\'s sakes....and hey, you actually \"know\" Thor???? But, many tools should not be re-named for certain other tools -- like, perhaps you\'d want to re-think the \'electronic cutters\' (ouch!).....:)

Sounds like you had a great and memorable time with family...both sides. I am happy my prayers were answered in that regard for you all. And seriously, singing \'fart\' could go so much worse...singing it is hilarious...but what a Lady! You see, the true determinaton of BEING a Lady is that one could sing that word loudly....then continue as if nothing ever happened. I love that.

I once sang with a group of church people...we had no hymnals, just our memories of the words...the song was \"In The Garden\"....It starts off, \"I come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses...\" It is a song of promise...how God is always with us. But, having no great memory for words, and singing loud enough to stick my foot in my mouth, when I got to the chorus, I sang...\"And He walks with me and He talks with me......and He TELLS ME I AM ALONE...\" It is supposed to be...\"and He tells me I am His own\". So, my words completely deflated the meaning of that great hymn...and, odd thing is...the entire group followed me there. They all sang those words with me. Only one woman approached me after it was over, and she said, \"I think we might need to look at the hymn book closer, because...do you think God would really tell us we are alone? Doesn\'t that seem kind of...un-God-like?\" It was then that I realized what we had been singing...and we just laughed and laughed. That woman was my sister-in-law, and we ended up being neighbors in choir for years. Everytime we sang that song from that day forward, we would look at each other and smile. You will no doubt do the same...it will warm your heart to recall it one of these days.

Glad you had this opportunity, and I hope your Mom\'s health fools the doctors and all the \'odds\'...and that you spend more Christmases together in the years to come. But if not, knowing she is content has got to mean the world to you.
StehtFest
StehtFest

Leitha, I know that hymn...and I\'m sure I will now always sing your version. That is, if I can do it without laughing. Yes, that is so like God, to meet us in the garden, walk with us, talk with us, and then say, \"You are alone, because I am so out of here!\"

As for sleeping with the things we love...my mother, when she was a tiny girl, used to want to sleep with her most cherished posessions, and it became somewhat of a family joke, especially after she had to be ordered not to wear her new shoes to bed. Many years later, when my mother began suspecting that my relationship with my boyfriend was not entirely chaste, my older brother joked to me, \"Just tell her that you got him as a present and you were so excited that you had to sleep with him in your bed that night. She\'ll understand. It\'s not like he\'s a pair of shoes.\" Matt, that\'s what your mother-in-law\'s quote made me think of. But I doubt it would have convinced my mother...shoes, maybe. Unmarried partners, definitely not.

And why is it that words like fart and penis always have to be loudly sung, announced, or shouted in church settings? One of our little ones went through a phase where he couldn\'t say \"truck\". To the discerning ear, it sounded like \"fwuck\", but less discerning ears could not pick up the \"w\" sound. Of course, he had to pick a moment of complete silence to proclaim loudly, \"Mama! I wan\' my FWUCK!\" And my husband couldn\'t figure out why I thought sitting in the front of the church with a bunch of little kids was a horrible idea. \"Oh, come on,\" he said, \"everyone knew he was saying \'truck\' !\"
EmpoweredOKC
EmpoweredOKC

During the Christmas Eve service, we had a slide show of \"scenes from the life of Jesus\" (I guarantee you, YOUR family pictures never turn out this good!). Apparently, these were downloaded from the internet without the realization that they were from a Latter-Day Saint website source. We expected the manger scenes; we did not expect the Book of Mormon scenes among the Christmas Story. This gave way to a blue screen \"No Input Detected\" shining like a nativity star above the church pulpit.
StehtFest
StehtFest

Matt, that is so hilarious! Oh, the scandal! And your last line about \"No Input Detected\" shining like a nativity star is a classic!
deleted_user
deleted_user

hahahahaha, When my nephew was all of 3, he was in the bathtub. Evidently, nature took its course and his little soldier was standing at attention. He then proclaimed to my sister, \"Mommy, I love my bigger penis!\" To which she answered, \"I know, son, I know.....\"

He\'s 11 now and its still the best story ever! They live on, and on, and on, lol. Our holiday was actually mild this year! People are getting old.... ;)
EmpoweredOKC
EmpoweredOKC

I think the \"no input detected\" message is a sign that the slide projector is atheist. It\'s a commentary on the whole Christmas story. Or else Richard Dawkins hacked our church computer.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Atheist projector would be my bet...we had a \"sound room demon\". It was our way of not blaming the poor sound man. Too often you\'d be all poised to start your song...the music would start...you\'d get your que...then take your breath, only to have the original artist\'s better voice start to sing the song! I was always caught between pantomime...or, stop and start. But, it set you up for a laughable few minutes. And, the \'no input detected\' on the full electric blue background has made it\'s way to our church\'s screen as well...but never once have we had the Mormon\'s interjection of photos during such a pivotal moment in the service. This is CLASSIC! The only thing I can think of that would have shined more brightly than that newly-devoid-of-Mormon-artwork screen would be some form of replay of that little kid in A Christmas Story...you know, when he helps his dad change the tire...and spills the lugs..and says....\"FUDGE....but he didn\'t say fudge...\"

You tell this story so well...I feel just like I was there. I loved it!
EmpoweredOKC
EmpoweredOKC

I would have loved a re-enactment of Aunt Bethany\'s prayer from \"National Lampoon\'s Christmas Vacation\" when she begins to obliviously recite the pledge of allegiance.
finalytime
finalytime

That is one of my favorite Christmas movies...we watched it as a family for the first time this year and the girls didn\'t appreciate it as much as Scott and I do. They did like the part in the beginning of them finding their christmas tree and asked it we could get one that big...uh..nope. Samantha liked the dog named Snot! LOL
deleted_user
deleted_user

This is what memories are made of!!!

Thor eh.... :P

Thanks for sharing.
EmpoweredOKC
EmpoweredOKC

Brief update on mom (not part of the funny \"Bizarro Christmas\" journal):

Mom went into the ER on Christmas Eve when she couldn\'t breathe or speak, and had irregular pulse. Doctors barely paid her any mind for several hours. She had retained 30 pounds of fluid, and was instructed to take additional Lasix. This worked, and they returned home 6 AM on Chjristmas morning.

My sister and I went to meet with mom\'s doctor. Everyone agrees mom needs valve replacement, but her kidneys and diabetes prevent the surgery. There is a possibility of lateral robotic surgery instead, but she needs to consult with doctors in other cities. Her heart is operating at 30%. Her mood is very, very good, and she is genuinely happy. Her apple pie was awesome, too.

In fact, she actually plans to come in April to help with our boys again. Not sure how realistic that actually is, though.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Most of all I\'m happy to hear her mood is so great and that she is trying to continue on and live as normally as she can. That is really awesome of her. We\'ll all pitch in and help with the boys in April too :) They can hang with us girls, right?? lol
finalytime
finalytime

I hope she considers the consult with the other doctors..I can\'t believe they didn\'t take some of th fluid weight off with a treatment in the hospital. Has she started Dialysis yet? Glad she\'s in good spirits...it helps alot to not see them in distress...
EmpoweredOKC
EmpoweredOKC

No dialysis yet, but they told her to weigh herself more often to adjust her Lasix effectively. Her consult is tomorrow.