Birthday today
I had a birthday today. My sister, my grand-kids, my daughter and my son called me. I got a card from my twin brother too.
I never let birthdays bother me much but, today, this one did. I feel like I am getting old and so worthless to so many. I still feel good, I still feel like I am able to be worth something to someone. I still feel young inside but, I am treated like and old, worn out man, who really has no value, who doesn't fit anywhere. The young seem to shun me and those much older than I keep me at a distance.
I can't remember being this sad on any previous birthday. I show love to people and maybe they don't understand love. Maybe I have a misconception of love. My wife says I do. I don't understand how you can love someone and basically just shut them out of your life. How can you love someone and not want to be near them, want to talk to them, want to touch them or hold them.
I really don't understand but, maybe I am such a dinosaur that no-one else understands me either. To me, this is kind of a form of rejection and I have never dealt very well with that. Rejection has been a trigger and a enemy of mine for years. Rejection makes me feel worthless, unwanted, unloved, alone, cast away, hurt, sad, and confused. This is where I am. This is how I feel. this all hurts me so. When I am hurt, I withdraw rather than react like I used to when I was a Biker. Back then, I would hurt back with a vengeance. Man, I have a real issue with this little 4 lettered word LOVE. I really don't understand.
I never let birthdays bother me much but, today, this one did. I feel like I am getting old and so worthless to so many. I still feel good, I still feel like I am able to be worth something to someone. I still feel young inside but, I am treated like and old, worn out man, who really has no value, who doesn't fit anywhere. The young seem to shun me and those much older than I keep me at a distance.
I can't remember being this sad on any previous birthday. I show love to people and maybe they don't understand love. Maybe I have a misconception of love. My wife says I do. I don't understand how you can love someone and basically just shut them out of your life. How can you love someone and not want to be near them, want to talk to them, want to touch them or hold them.
I really don't understand but, maybe I am such a dinosaur that no-one else understands me either. To me, this is kind of a form of rejection and I have never dealt very well with that. Rejection has been a trigger and a enemy of mine for years. Rejection makes me feel worthless, unwanted, unloved, alone, cast away, hurt, sad, and confused. This is where I am. This is how I feel. this all hurts me so. When I am hurt, I withdraw rather than react like I used to when I was a Biker. Back then, I would hurt back with a vengeance. Man, I have a real issue with this little 4 lettered word LOVE. I really don't understand.
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