Birthday today
I had a birthday today. My sister, my grand-kids, my daughter and my son called me. I got a card from my twin brother too.
I never let birthdays bother me much but, today, this one did. I feel like I am getting old and so worthless to so many. I still feel good, I still feel like I am able to be worth something to someone. I still feel young inside but, I am treated like and old, worn out man, who really has no value, who doesn't fit anywhere. The young seem to shun me and those much older than I keep me at a distance.
I can't remember being this sad on any previous birthday. I show love to people and maybe they don't understand love. Maybe I have a misconception of love. My wife says I do. I don't understand how you can love someone and basically just shut them out of your life. How can you love someone and not want to be near them, want to talk to them, want to touch them or hold them.
I really don't understand but, maybe I am such a dinosaur that no-one else understands me either. To me, this is kind of a form of rejection and I have never dealt very well with that. Rejection has been a trigger and a enemy of mine for years. Rejection makes me feel worthless, unwanted, unloved, alone, cast away, hurt, sad, and confused. This is where I am. This is how I feel. this all hurts me so. When I am hurt, I withdraw rather than react like I used to when I was a Biker. Back then, I would hurt back with a vengeance. Man, I have a real issue with this little 4 lettered word LOVE. I really don't understand.
I never let birthdays bother me much but, today, this one did. I feel like I am getting old and so worthless to so many. I still feel good, I still feel like I am able to be worth something to someone. I still feel young inside but, I am treated like and old, worn out man, who really has no value, who doesn't fit anywhere. The young seem to shun me and those much older than I keep me at a distance.
I can't remember being this sad on any previous birthday. I show love to people and maybe they don't understand love. Maybe I have a misconception of love. My wife says I do. I don't understand how you can love someone and basically just shut them out of your life. How can you love someone and not want to be near them, want to talk to them, want to touch them or hold them.
I really don't understand but, maybe I am such a dinosaur that no-one else understands me either. To me, this is kind of a form of rejection and I have never dealt very well with that. Rejection has been a trigger and a enemy of mine for years. Rejection makes me feel worthless, unwanted, unloved, alone, cast away, hurt, sad, and confused. This is where I am. This is how I feel. this all hurts me so. When I am hurt, I withdraw rather than react like I used to when I was a Biker. Back then, I would hurt back with a vengeance. Man, I have a real issue with this little 4 lettered word LOVE. I really don't understand.
Replies
I understand..... and Iove you....... I don\'t care who sees this.... you know that I know you and I know your heart.......... I hate that you are hurting.... when you hurt, it hurts me too...........I love you Pee Wee............
All I want to say right now is \"Happy Birthday to you\". It\'s my bedtime and my brain has already started to withdraw for the nite. Wish I had some better knowledge of the word \"love\" but know it can be used/misused and truly felt and said so easily for some and harder for others. It can be intense, it can be just a passing thought or a feeling of friendship. But it\'s out there. I guess I don\'t understand it much either. In friendship, again I wish you a very nice birthday and remember, you are needed here on DS for your wisdom and your.compassion and fresh thoughts. Truly, BarbaraWaw
Happy birthday friend. You are loved by more people than you realize. You just need to recharge your batteries. Your trip will do you good. Stay safe and return soon
Happy Birthday.
If you look at my status you\'ll see that I dont understand love either. I now use the expression \" I have feelings for you.\" deep feelings, close feelings, or warm feelings, generous feelings, compassionate feelings - a much broader spectrum and it definitely evades that L word.
Hope you have a better day tomorrow?
I agree with Lacrossmom, I waitied till midnight to sing you happy birthday, sorry it was so bad. you deserve better.
I am sorry sweetie. .you are hurting so bad.... you are a wonderful man who freely offers love to others.. I can see here alone you are loved my friend and that includes me smile... I wish I could give you a huge bear hug right now... depression weaves a slippery slope Peewee.. I believe some of what you are feeling is the illness of depression.. it can really zap us of everything.. with all that is going on and feeling the way you do perhaps this is why the trip wasnt in your best interest right now.. please continue to reach out for the help you need... and please take off the time you need to heal my friend.. God Bless you.. love Jan
Happy belated birthday, God bless xx