Birthday Ripple Effect
Dear Mamas,
I have been well. I had a good plan for Andy's 31st birthday on Tuesday July 16th - his third since he died in 2010. I calmly but fiercely defended my day as MINE. I asked myself what I wanted to do and it was: gardening and visiting with a friend on an island, and having family over for a big birthday party. I asked my sister to come up and visit. It all worked out really well. All day long I kept seeing such beauty, such sweetness, such light. I weeded and watered and picnicked and swam and cooked and hugged and ate and drank. It was lovely.
Guess what. Yup. All worn out the next day. Felt like crying all day. Another year. No Andy in sight. All that lovely seeing and feeling and knowing and embracing was great AND it was not the same as knowing he was still here. Sigh.
But I'm really calm and fine most of the time. The brain tumor group that has been so good, and all of you who I'll see NEXT WEEK in Boston... and so many good friends... all these blessings of support and compassion... where would we be without love? Howling in pain.
So just wanted to say thanks for all the kind birthday notes on the 16th. Seven days later and I am finally able to have a little time. Oh yeah I didn't say: I've been working full time again, PLUS we had our big crazy CLam Festival (yes really... it's a town thing) plus two gardens and all the family shizzit... so I'm a busy kid.
Sending much much MUCH love and all my wishes for your deep connected and cosmic peace.
xoxoxoxo SarahÂ
I have been well. I had a good plan for Andy's 31st birthday on Tuesday July 16th - his third since he died in 2010. I calmly but fiercely defended my day as MINE. I asked myself what I wanted to do and it was: gardening and visiting with a friend on an island, and having family over for a big birthday party. I asked my sister to come up and visit. It all worked out really well. All day long I kept seeing such beauty, such sweetness, such light. I weeded and watered and picnicked and swam and cooked and hugged and ate and drank. It was lovely.
Guess what. Yup. All worn out the next day. Felt like crying all day. Another year. No Andy in sight. All that lovely seeing and feeling and knowing and embracing was great AND it was not the same as knowing he was still here. Sigh.
But I'm really calm and fine most of the time. The brain tumor group that has been so good, and all of you who I'll see NEXT WEEK in Boston... and so many good friends... all these blessings of support and compassion... where would we be without love? Howling in pain.
So just wanted to say thanks for all the kind birthday notes on the 16th. Seven days later and I am finally able to have a little time. Oh yeah I didn't say: I've been working full time again, PLUS we had our big crazy CLam Festival (yes really... it's a town thing) plus two gardens and all the family shizzit... so I'm a busy kid.
Sending much much MUCH love and all my wishes for your deep connected and cosmic peace.
xoxoxoxo SarahÂ
Replies
It\'s so good to hear from you again Sarah. I can imagine your lovely Birthday Party for Andy. So full of life and gratitude for having such a beautiful person as Andy to LOve in your life.
Its so sad & understandable how the next day your light happy excited Birthday feelings had changed to missing and where has my beautiful big boy gone....? feelings. Its like all our faith & love for our child carries us through their special days then the missing feeling returns.
But as those waves of different feelings come & pass through us, we still feel the LOve that\'s why we miss the child so much.
Anyway you describe it all far better, Thank you for your journal Sarah,
I wish I could come to a gathering like you are all going to in Boston.... too far for me to come at the moment but some day...
LOts of LOve, Kriss
So glad you had so much love as you celebrated your sons birthday..
Will meet you in Boston.
Hugs
Laura
I\'m glad you declared Andy\'s birthday as YOUR day! It sounds beautiful and I look forward to hearing all about it in Boston!!!
Love to you and Andy!!
Debi
LOVE how you spent YOUR day with Andy....and so get the \"day after\".....
We live and experience and enjoy and give thanks....and yet.....yep, it still sucks!
I can NOT wait to see you in Boston!!! Give me a ring when you get there and I\'ll point you in the right direction! And feel free to bring a bottle of wine (or two) for hanging in \"the crib\" after our official meet and greet is over.
See you soon beautiful! LOVE YOU! LOVE Andy!
Feels as if was a full circle moment dear Sarah. Grateful that you embraced what is, what was and perhaps even some imagining of what will BE.
Where I find Douglas is in the pauses. May you have those with your noon time amazing son, Andy too as I know you do.
Excited to meet you and yes, where would any of be without this incredible support?! Grateful to not have to know that...
Loving care dear Sarah and always a hug for your peace loving son, Andy.
XO Joanie
OH Great, I didn\'t know you were going to be at the retreat. I\'m so glad I\'ll get to meet you.
I\'m so glad you made yourself a \"ME\" day in celebration of Andy\'s earthly birthday. That is so right!
Hugs,
Terry
AND.....
dearest Sarah,
What a day of loving, abundant beauty you created. A day of life and love, living full, living strongly, making and tasting the sweetness.....it does sound so...you, really a you day.
it is the word AND that brings the new dimension to every day every moment after Andy\'s loss...because in that AND is the pain and the forever altered sense of everything....
joys and sorrows so much closer together.....
wrapping you in care, love, peace, respect for your mighty heart....and, much love....
That is agreat way to celebrate. My son wasnot into celebrating his birthday here on earth, but do not forgett the apple pie and ice cream.. So each yr Hubby and I have a very small apple pie toped with ice cream.
Hugs Penny