Bipolar Teen

My name is Renee. I am 17 and on the verge of turning 18. My hobbies include backpacking, camping, soccer, and drawing. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and anxiety in 2015 and have taken myself off my medications in hopes of being able to control symptoms through exercise and therapy. I have had the disorder for as long as I can remember. I do not regret having bipolar disorder. I have come to realize that it adds depth to my character. I have felt the ache of debilitating depression for months on end. I have felt the elation that has no true cause, but somehow finds a way to cause insomnia and the occasional hallucination. In addition to bipolar disorder, my anxiety has slowly destroyed all self-confidence, however, I am gradually building it back. I have many friends and an amazing boyfriend, but I have never felt personal connections. I am so used to going through the repetitive motions that I cannot anchor myself in the present and enjoy those that surround me. My disorder is currently hidden from all family besides my parents. I have told three friends about my disorder in hopes that they would be more understanding when I was at the rock bottom of my depression. To be completely honest, their reactions and perceptions of me since have made me petrified of sharing my struggles with anyone else. My sole savior has been activity. Distraction has been the only method successful enough to lift symptoms, even if it was only momentarily. To distract myself I must be constantly moving. I live in a beautiful valley surrounded by towering mountains on all sides and have been lucky enough to become heavily involved in backpacking and camping. On my rough days, I will backcountry hike for hours at a time. In addition, I also participate in athletics and my teammates help anchor me to reality without them knowing they are doing so. I find relief in these activities, and I encourage everyone, not simply those who suffer from mental health issues, to get outside and just walk. Medication is a last chance option for me unless the hallucinations from insomnia return. The majority of friends that I have are considered the 'popular group', and my boyfriend is an All-State football player. One of the worst parts of this is that everyone assumes I'm alright. Nobody ever asks if I'm okay. My life is held together with the tears I cry night after night. I know I am lucky to have the friends that I have, but it almost feels like they are shells that only care about their external appearances. It hurts me every time I see their lack of depth. I would like to also add that the bipolar symptoms, specifically the depression, have increased with the stress due to a major surgery I had in 2015 that required two years of intense rehabilitation, as well as my mother's 2016 breast cancer diagnosis. I would once again like to reiterate that I dealt with these issues by heading to the mountains. My largest issues at the moment are balancing the mania and depression, insomnia, and the lack of any self-confidence. Forgive the rant but the only person I am able to talk to is my therapist who can only offer one perspective. If anyone would like to talk about anything, such as self-care regimens, it would be greatly appreciated.