Bipolar II
I finally went to the doctor Thursday morning after my most recent crash into depression (approx 1 month now...).
I've had to take FMLA leave from work because the depression is making me inattentive (or my ADD, or both) and it's getting just too damn hard to fake laugh and get through the days.
I started therapy Monday. I think she will be good. I have company this weekend, it was pleasurable, but unfortunately I am also going under some medication reconstruction that has me concerned. I almost went to the ER last night because my legs were like..:convulsing. Not my whole body, just my legs, and they would stop if I voluntarily tensed all my muscles then start again in 2-3 minutes. The nurse in me decided to take my clonazepam since benzodiazepines help prevent seizures. I also called the on call psych doctor who reassured me I wasn't in any immediate danger.
So I started lamictal for Bipolar II, and Lunesta for sleep, in addition to my Ritalin and cymbalta. Yesterday morning, in ignorance, obviously, I took lamictal and Ritalin at the same time and I was shaking all day. By the afternoon, I was cooking dinner for my guests, and I was so weak that I had to have everyone else finish it all up for me. I could barely move. Then after bed, I woke up today, and spaced the lamictal (titrating up, day 3 of 25 mg) about 4 hours before my first Ritalin and there was no bad reaction at all. Until tonight. Right now, although nothing is physically wrong, I just feel crazy. I feel like a crazy person. I don't know why. I am pissed and angry that after 4 years of failed treatment for depression that I AM THE ONE who said "hey do you think this is bipolar because I looked up the diagnostic criteria and it kind of makes sense." I wonder why it's been missed for so long. I could be past the getting used to the meds and on my way to growing positively. Instead I feel like a mess. I'm taking medications with scary side effects that I may have one day and not the next but I'm so fucking scared to just give up on the med two days in because I am DESPERATE to feel anywhere close to normal, happy, I'd even settle for a temporary idiotic euphoria.
Anyway. I'm just upset and scared and tired and needed to get this out somewhere that maybe someone else could attempt to understand, maybe someone else has been on this combo of meds. Maybe no one will even read this. I just have to survive somehow.
Also, knowing that I'm starting lamictal, as well as all my other stupid medications, I now know family planning is going to be pushed back even farther, as it has been for years, because of my inability to cope through life without medications that would harm a child, much less have the mental stability to be a mommy.
I am happy for a diagnosis, but I'm scared. I'm angry, I don't know what side effects are okay and which aren't other than a big scary rash. I just wish this wasn't me. I was and am ready to accept that I am bipolar. I have no stigma against any type of mental health seeing as how I've had to fight my way to keep my job as mental health isn't seen as being "really sick".
I'm rambling. I don't know what makes sense. Took Lunesta and clonazepam because I was freaking the fuck out. Hope sleep finds me sooner than later.
I've had to take FMLA leave from work because the depression is making me inattentive (or my ADD, or both) and it's getting just too damn hard to fake laugh and get through the days.
I started therapy Monday. I think she will be good. I have company this weekend, it was pleasurable, but unfortunately I am also going under some medication reconstruction that has me concerned. I almost went to the ER last night because my legs were like..:convulsing. Not my whole body, just my legs, and they would stop if I voluntarily tensed all my muscles then start again in 2-3 minutes. The nurse in me decided to take my clonazepam since benzodiazepines help prevent seizures. I also called the on call psych doctor who reassured me I wasn't in any immediate danger.
So I started lamictal for Bipolar II, and Lunesta for sleep, in addition to my Ritalin and cymbalta. Yesterday morning, in ignorance, obviously, I took lamictal and Ritalin at the same time and I was shaking all day. By the afternoon, I was cooking dinner for my guests, and I was so weak that I had to have everyone else finish it all up for me. I could barely move. Then after bed, I woke up today, and spaced the lamictal (titrating up, day 3 of 25 mg) about 4 hours before my first Ritalin and there was no bad reaction at all. Until tonight. Right now, although nothing is physically wrong, I just feel crazy. I feel like a crazy person. I don't know why. I am pissed and angry that after 4 years of failed treatment for depression that I AM THE ONE who said "hey do you think this is bipolar because I looked up the diagnostic criteria and it kind of makes sense." I wonder why it's been missed for so long. I could be past the getting used to the meds and on my way to growing positively. Instead I feel like a mess. I'm taking medications with scary side effects that I may have one day and not the next but I'm so fucking scared to just give up on the med two days in because I am DESPERATE to feel anywhere close to normal, happy, I'd even settle for a temporary idiotic euphoria.
Anyway. I'm just upset and scared and tired and needed to get this out somewhere that maybe someone else could attempt to understand, maybe someone else has been on this combo of meds. Maybe no one will even read this. I just have to survive somehow.
Also, knowing that I'm starting lamictal, as well as all my other stupid medications, I now know family planning is going to be pushed back even farther, as it has been for years, because of my inability to cope through life without medications that would harm a child, much less have the mental stability to be a mommy.
I am happy for a diagnosis, but I'm scared. I'm angry, I don't know what side effects are okay and which aren't other than a big scary rash. I just wish this wasn't me. I was and am ready to accept that I am bipolar. I have no stigma against any type of mental health seeing as how I've had to fight my way to keep my job as mental health isn't seen as being "really sick".
I'm rambling. I don't know what makes sense. Took Lunesta and clonazepam because I was freaking the fuck out. Hope sleep finds me sooner than later.
Replies
I completely and utterly feel for you! I have been on Lamictal for about 4 yrs now and like it a lot. I also suffer from other hormonal imbalances which makes it really fun to try and figure out which med is affecting which part of me.
It really helps to have the right team of doctors. It sounds like you have a good amount of meds going on and I hope maybe some can be simplified? Ritalin doesn\'t sound like it may be as good of an idea with the Lamictal if it\'s making you go crazy :)
I have been very \"off\" lately myself but primarily due to a high level of testosterone because my hormonal levels are off...yay!...NOT!
I completely understand the feeling about being non-functional as a person at work as well. I have actually had to leave a dream job of mine due to my struggles with mental illness among other issues I am currently addressing in therapy.
It is so important to find people to relate to especially when you feel like you want to rip your hair out, bang your head against a wall while crying, and destroy objects. All while knowing that it doesn\'t make any sense and it would be a silly thing to do.
Hang in there!!!