Biodots
As soon as I came in I sat down and she wanted to take my bag with my extra clothes from me to put away. Yes but I took 2 pictures out and told her I want to show her those and another one but I want to go walking. I have extra, extra clothes. I can do this. She asked me where I want to walk. Out back but I do want to go to the store sometime, too. I want to talk first, though, just for a minute. I looked up and saw a Biodots sheet taped on the outside of her bookcase. It had the color ratings on it. I said how she must have got them and said she wants to do them, share them, with me today. OK. I told her I just want reassurance what we are doing is just pretend – they are not really accidents. She told me that. I told her just to keep talking to me. Anything for me to listen to. She nodded.
She asked me if I’m ready to go now. Yes. “You look like you’re ready to go now,” she told me. I guess she could tell I had to go. “Are you sure you’re not pushing yourself too hard?” she asked wanting to make sure. “No, I’m not,” I told her and we got up to go. “Don’t forget your bag,” she told me. I almost did said, “Oh, yeah,” and grabbed my purse. So we left right away.
We walked out and down the stairs. She said hi to the other therapist in that building, who was walking up the stairs, and she said hi back – both using their names. I was walking behind her so I don’t know if she knew we were together. Then an older limping gentleman was walking inside from the back parking lot while we were walking out. No one said anything. We saw a hose on the ground. She then said it looks like they are doing some plumbing work. So now we were outside and just about to walk around the circle. I remember saying that maybe we’ll just go once. I really needed to go badly but didn’t tell her.
When we first started out she started talking about her daffodils she has planted and are up now. We were turning around the far end of the circle. She said something about the birds chirping sounding like something – I can’t even remember. I don’t think I responded to anything – just listened and tried to hold it as much as I could. I started going to the bathroom and I just said, “Let’s go back.” “OK,” she told me and we did. She went on ahead a bit while I lagged behind a bit. I think she does that for my privacy so she doesn’t see. That’s fine but it makes me feel like she’s running away from me when she does that. Makes me feel alone out there. I do remember saying, “Damn it!” but I don’t know if she heard.
We got to the door and we saw a man downstairs in what looked to be a hole, inside the building in that basement area. The plumbing guy. I kind of hesitated and was holding my purse right in front of me to cover. My pants were really wet by now. She went on ahead and down the stairs to look down the hall for me. She got to the end and smiled. “Is anyone there?” I asked. No and I went on down while she waited for me out there. I went in and changed. I came out and we walked back up the stairs together. She said something about the plumber guy and I asked her if she talked to him. Yes. Something about the water pump wasn’t working. I said like a sun pump and I’m sure they want to get it fixed before the spring rains. Yes. Then we were back in her office.
We went back in and sat down. She told me she didn’t know anything and asked what I think happened. I told her, “You were right.” “You waited to long? You pushed yourself too far?” she asked me. Yes. She told me she could tell when I walked in I was needing to do this right away. I said I was glad no one saw because we ran into 2 people and then that plumber guy. She agreed. I don’t think we said much else about it but I did tell her I wanted to go again later.
I asked her if we should do the Biodots now. She said after I was finished with what I had. I told her I had more I wanted to talk about first. OK. So I showed her the picture of my grandson with his 8th missing tooth. And the 2 little kids in apples in the park. I told her it was Monday, after I saw them, after they went kite flying in S park. She said they are so cute. Then I said that I just looked at my phone before I came here and just got this one. I got it and gave it to her. It was of my youngest with his hair cut! She looked and said he looks so different – older maybe. She said maybe it’s tied back. I said I’m only hoping. I said maybe because of his business he had to. She agreed. I said how ‘preppy’ he had to look on his flight in.
So I told her I wanted to call him and I needed to ask him something anyway. No, she won’t let me put it on speaker phone. I asked even if he starts yelling at me. No – I can tell her about it later. I called 3 times, didn’t get him and finally he called me back. But we talked about other things until he did. I talked to him a couple days ago and as long as we were talking about him it was fine. As soon as I said anything about me – he’s gone, he has to go.
I told him about my middle son bringing me back an American Girl doll outfit and that’s when he was gone. But I told her it was a yoga outfit, mat and book. She thought that was great. I said he’s not into that kind of stuff and his girlfriend picked it out because she knew I went to laughter yoga. She said I could get it out and do it along side her. I laughed a little. I did tell her I collect those dolls, have a lot, even the ones that come out just once a year, all the way from the beginning. She said I need to do relaxing stuff like yoga.
Anyway he cut it yesterday. He says because it’s getting hot there. When I asked him if he saved any for me. No – he’s not into that. But I am. Still no. Even when I asked him to go to the trash. He wasn’t very nice. Then I told him about the census and being counted. He said he doesn’t need to be counted. I told him I can get a Be Counted form and fill it out for him. He said that was OK.
So we hung up. The whole time my therapist was making herself busy looking at some pamphlet, not looking up or acting like she didn’t want to be listening at all. I told her what he said. She just listened and nodded – not really saying anything. Like she doesn’t want to talk about him. I told her I didn’t like him cutting his hair – his blonde/red curls. Finally she said about him not doing what I’d like him to do. Right. I told her how much he’s missing out. Yesterday we were all at the Annex (not my husband) and my grandson and other son were playing the Xbox. Look at all he’s missing and he doesn’t even care. She said at least I have my other 2 kids and maybe one day he’ll settle down after he meets some girl but he’s not there now. No.
I told her how I had my grandson all day yesterday and what an angel he is. No trouble at all! I told her we did his race track, colored, cut, I took him to Burger King with the playground (I got a hamburger – yes meat!), we watched the TV Show we were on and looked at pictures from then. He said his uncles haven’t changed but his Papa, me and his Mom have and his Mom looks like me. I asked her if she has ever seen that show with us on it. She said she probably has alluding to at the time it was on.
I told her about my cousin’s daughter being home now. But Saturday she acted strange. Saturday night we couldn’t go see her and too busy on Sunday. But then she said she didn’t know if she wanted visitors anyway. Not much else to say so I told her we can do the biodots now. She handed me a little card with the colored rating scale on it. She came over and put the little dot on my left hand between my thumb and pointer finger. The dot was a very dark color. Then she said things to try to get me to relax.
I can’t even remember what she said. I tried to relax but couldn’t really do it. I did try though. She told me to look at the color of the dot. It was still very dark like when she put it on me. Stressed. She told me it looks like it’s hard for me to relax. Yes it is. And she said with what we just did outside and my conversation with my son that wasn’t very good. Right. She asked me where I feel tense. The middle part of my body (from the middle of my thighs to my shoulders I showed her). I told her I’m thinking about going back outside and that’s making me tense. She asked me if it’s hard for me to relax because of my bladder. Yes. Just like my 20 minute massage. She asked me if I’m OK and after said I looked like ‘Is it over yet?’ She nodded like she understood.
I asked her what it is for her. She said it depends on what’s going on in different parts of the day but she can get it all the up to the purple color. Mine didn’t seem to move at all. I asked about other people. She said she did it on 2 others today and they start out black and can get it up to blue/purple when they relax. I asked her how long that takes. She said about 10 minutes. We both know I’m scared to relax too much. Afraid I’ll go to the bathroom. Maybe I’ll do better later. She said I can practice at home. And, I said, make sure I go to the bathroom first. “Right,” she agreed. I asked her how long it lasts. She said it lasts a long time but the stickiness may not.
I told her I think it’s heat activated. If I put my hand over it maybe it’ll go up. She said it is heat activated. I put my hand over it and I saw a little bit of green trying to appear. She teased me and said that’s cheating. She also commented that I always want to do things differently, in my own way – kind of in a negative way but trying to be nice about it. She asked me if I’m always tense and uptight like I seem to be in here. No, not all the time. But no offense to her – I am when I come in here. I asked her if I seem to be with her. She said I do a lot but not when I’m laughing. She said when I feel stressed to get moving – dancing and such.
She stressed again about seeing the doctor – the specialist – and maybe she can help me and then I will be able to get my anxiety down. Then I’ll be able to hold it longer and go longer between times. She said there are a lot of things I don’t do because of it. I agreed. She said maybe we should go walking now while my stress level is not up there as much. I told her I don’t need to go to the bathroom again yet. So we waited and I talked about something else.
I told her about my friend calling today about a Trivia Night. His wife isn’t going and still invited my husband and myself. I don’t know if I want to go. I’m not too worried about bathrooms because I remember from last year you are free to walk around and bid on things and you don’t have to play the whole time. But I’m not into Trivia and my husband’s good at it. I don’t want to look dumb. And I don’t know the other people.
She asked me which one was keeping me from saying yes the most. I said the people. I would go if the wife was going. I felt uncomfortable not knowing the others last time. I can ‘wing’ the trivia stuff. Maybe this is when she mentioned about there’s a lot I don’t do (in branching out) because of my problem. That is really true. She said my husband can go and not me. She’s done that before with her husband. She’s not into the trivia thing either and he is. I said I want him to ask again and if I say no I’m afraid he won’t. I really would go if his wife was going. And he’ll wonder why I don’t want to go. I can tell him the truth but then he’ll say, ‘You’re friendly. You’ll be fine.’
So at the end of talking about this I was needing to go to the bathroom again, maybe for about 30 seconds or so before I said something. I told her I needed to go and she knew I wanted to go walking again. “Is it getting too late now? Are you sure you’re not pushing yourself too much?” she asked me. It was like she thought I waited too long and questioned that I can do it now or not. I think she was watching me and maybe I winced or moved around a little before I told her. “No, it’s OK,” I told her and we got up. She reminded me to take my bag. “You have my bag,” I told her and motioned towards her drawer. She got it out and handed it to me. “You hold it,” I said giving it back to her. She gave me this funny look like she wanted me to but didn’t say. I knew she wanted me to hold it longer last time when she didn’t ask for it back but I didn’t say. I just told her this time, “I don’t want to be reminded,” as we walked out.
So we walked out, down the stairs and back outside to the back. Pretty silent again. But I think I said a few more things this time. She asked me if the Trivia Night is for a fund raiser. Yes. She said it’s a good fund raiser. I said how we got a bread a month for a year I bid on and won and I knew it was coming soon because we were on our last month. I think I said it might snow on Saturday and she said something about cutting or covering her daffodils. I can’t quite remember.
Maybe she said we’ll walk around 1 time when we got out there. Maybe not. Maybe we talked about 2 times. Maybe not. It’s just hard for me to remember when I need to go that badly and I’m concentrating on keeping calm and not escalating – and not going. But we had gotten to the point that we walked around the circle one time. I told her we can do two – the circles are little. So we did and then we walked back with no hesitation. I think I mumbled, “I can do this,” on our way back. I don’t know if she heard or not – she didn’t say anything. She asked me where I was going to go – downstairs? I nodded yes without hesitation. We were about to the back door and I told her both my shoes are untied. She opened the door and told me she’d wait there (on that landing between the bottom stairs set) while I went.
I went, thought about my bag as I was already down the stairs. What if I needed it? She still had it and I’m surprised she didn’t give it to me just in case. But I was OK! Yes! I went to the bathroom, washed my hands, careful not to wash the Biodot off and came back out. She was still on that landing waiting. We walked back up that half of the stairs. On the first floor she looked back at me wondering how I did. “Yes!” I told her. “Good,” she told me. We were both happy I made it OK this time. Walking back up the next set of stairs I told her, “I can’t say it was easy.” She made a comment like she knew it was hard for me.
So we walked back into her office. I noticed both times, this second time, she glanced into the massage therapist’s office. She wasn’t there either times. We both sat down and she knew I was happy I made it OK this time. But I don’t remember talking that much about it. I think we mostly talked about the Biodot and going to the doctor. I told her my OB is next week. What day? Wednesday. She said we’ll talk about it Tuesday. Monday – I corrected her. She said the other doctor is the following week. She was glancing at her calendar I’m sure remembering the date I told her. I told her how I’ve been avoiding talking about it but I know I have to. She said she’s excited for me to go but she knows I’m apprehensive. Yes.
She said many people when they get older find they have to deal with something whether it’s diabetes or high blood pressure or whatever. She went on to say that I’m a healthy person, energetic, am flexible, play with my grandkids and such. I said, “We’ll see what my OB says.” She nodded yes. But she’s just not sure if I can’t get my stress level down if I’ll be able to wait longer and such. My stress is so much on my bladder. I said if I can get my mind to do it. I added it’s like patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time and I can do that (I had showed her)! She agreed.
I told her the practicing here is good. She said I need to practice this at home – waiting as long as I can. I told her I do – not all the time but I do. She said to time it and try to increase it more and more. It’s a good thing to tell the doctor, too. How long it is when I need to go and when I actually do go. I didn’t know but asked her how long it is when I do it in here – what’s the longest. She thought 15 minutes when we go walking and in there. I told her I remember 11 minutes one time. I didn’t say but I’m not sure why she remembers longer. I don’t think it’s 15 minutes. Maybe from the time we leave and until we come back but that includes going to the bathroom, changing clothes and coming back. I told her it’s usually 5 – 10 minutes.
She said how I can’t go as long when I’m feeling stress. I know. She also said that I can’t go as long as when I’m with people verses in here. I guess because that makes me more stressed and I’m up doing things. I looked down while we were talking and saw my little Biodot was green now – better. She said something about the hard part is over now referring to the walking outside and needing to go to the bathroom. She said that was good and asked me if I cheated. No. But then I said my sleeve was covering so I’m not sure. She continued to talk about how important it is to see the doctor and maybe there are some new things out. I told her I was glad we were at the end because I don’t want to talk about it. She smirkingly smiled and teased, “I know. That’s why I saved this for the end.”
Before I left I did tell her when I had my grandson yesterday I felt very lucky to have him – very greatfull. And also my granddaughter and my other kids (forgot to mention my husband) even though they don’t always act like I would like them to. She said she’s very glad to hear that. Some people don’t have that. I do feel that. We ended. She told me to take the Biodot sticker off, enjoy my massage and have a nice weekend. Her, too.
My massage therapist was not in her office yet. I hung in the hallway a second, saw my therapist get water, she glanced at me and I decided to wait in the waiting room. My massage therapist came just as my therapist came back out to get her next client and we went in first before my therapist and her next client (a maybe 30 year old girl with a blondish ponytail). She’s going to Hawaii for a week and a half. I told her next time it’s our trip. She said we trade off. She’s said that before about us separately but what I meant was ‘our’ trip I tease about. Well, that probably won’t happen but it’s nice to think I could do that with no worries. Wish I could!
She asked me if I’m ready to go now. Yes. “You look like you’re ready to go now,” she told me. I guess she could tell I had to go. “Are you sure you’re not pushing yourself too hard?” she asked wanting to make sure. “No, I’m not,” I told her and we got up to go. “Don’t forget your bag,” she told me. I almost did said, “Oh, yeah,” and grabbed my purse. So we left right away.
We walked out and down the stairs. She said hi to the other therapist in that building, who was walking up the stairs, and she said hi back – both using their names. I was walking behind her so I don’t know if she knew we were together. Then an older limping gentleman was walking inside from the back parking lot while we were walking out. No one said anything. We saw a hose on the ground. She then said it looks like they are doing some plumbing work. So now we were outside and just about to walk around the circle. I remember saying that maybe we’ll just go once. I really needed to go badly but didn’t tell her.
When we first started out she started talking about her daffodils she has planted and are up now. We were turning around the far end of the circle. She said something about the birds chirping sounding like something – I can’t even remember. I don’t think I responded to anything – just listened and tried to hold it as much as I could. I started going to the bathroom and I just said, “Let’s go back.” “OK,” she told me and we did. She went on ahead a bit while I lagged behind a bit. I think she does that for my privacy so she doesn’t see. That’s fine but it makes me feel like she’s running away from me when she does that. Makes me feel alone out there. I do remember saying, “Damn it!” but I don’t know if she heard.
We got to the door and we saw a man downstairs in what looked to be a hole, inside the building in that basement area. The plumbing guy. I kind of hesitated and was holding my purse right in front of me to cover. My pants were really wet by now. She went on ahead and down the stairs to look down the hall for me. She got to the end and smiled. “Is anyone there?” I asked. No and I went on down while she waited for me out there. I went in and changed. I came out and we walked back up the stairs together. She said something about the plumber guy and I asked her if she talked to him. Yes. Something about the water pump wasn’t working. I said like a sun pump and I’m sure they want to get it fixed before the spring rains. Yes. Then we were back in her office.
We went back in and sat down. She told me she didn’t know anything and asked what I think happened. I told her, “You were right.” “You waited to long? You pushed yourself too far?” she asked me. Yes. She told me she could tell when I walked in I was needing to do this right away. I said I was glad no one saw because we ran into 2 people and then that plumber guy. She agreed. I don’t think we said much else about it but I did tell her I wanted to go again later.
I asked her if we should do the Biodots now. She said after I was finished with what I had. I told her I had more I wanted to talk about first. OK. So I showed her the picture of my grandson with his 8th missing tooth. And the 2 little kids in apples in the park. I told her it was Monday, after I saw them, after they went kite flying in S park. She said they are so cute. Then I said that I just looked at my phone before I came here and just got this one. I got it and gave it to her. It was of my youngest with his hair cut! She looked and said he looks so different – older maybe. She said maybe it’s tied back. I said I’m only hoping. I said maybe because of his business he had to. She agreed. I said how ‘preppy’ he had to look on his flight in.
So I told her I wanted to call him and I needed to ask him something anyway. No, she won’t let me put it on speaker phone. I asked even if he starts yelling at me. No – I can tell her about it later. I called 3 times, didn’t get him and finally he called me back. But we talked about other things until he did. I talked to him a couple days ago and as long as we were talking about him it was fine. As soon as I said anything about me – he’s gone, he has to go.
I told him about my middle son bringing me back an American Girl doll outfit and that’s when he was gone. But I told her it was a yoga outfit, mat and book. She thought that was great. I said he’s not into that kind of stuff and his girlfriend picked it out because she knew I went to laughter yoga. She said I could get it out and do it along side her. I laughed a little. I did tell her I collect those dolls, have a lot, even the ones that come out just once a year, all the way from the beginning. She said I need to do relaxing stuff like yoga.
Anyway he cut it yesterday. He says because it’s getting hot there. When I asked him if he saved any for me. No – he’s not into that. But I am. Still no. Even when I asked him to go to the trash. He wasn’t very nice. Then I told him about the census and being counted. He said he doesn’t need to be counted. I told him I can get a Be Counted form and fill it out for him. He said that was OK.
So we hung up. The whole time my therapist was making herself busy looking at some pamphlet, not looking up or acting like she didn’t want to be listening at all. I told her what he said. She just listened and nodded – not really saying anything. Like she doesn’t want to talk about him. I told her I didn’t like him cutting his hair – his blonde/red curls. Finally she said about him not doing what I’d like him to do. Right. I told her how much he’s missing out. Yesterday we were all at the Annex (not my husband) and my grandson and other son were playing the Xbox. Look at all he’s missing and he doesn’t even care. She said at least I have my other 2 kids and maybe one day he’ll settle down after he meets some girl but he’s not there now. No.
I told her how I had my grandson all day yesterday and what an angel he is. No trouble at all! I told her we did his race track, colored, cut, I took him to Burger King with the playground (I got a hamburger – yes meat!), we watched the TV Show we were on and looked at pictures from then. He said his uncles haven’t changed but his Papa, me and his Mom have and his Mom looks like me. I asked her if she has ever seen that show with us on it. She said she probably has alluding to at the time it was on.
I told her about my cousin’s daughter being home now. But Saturday she acted strange. Saturday night we couldn’t go see her and too busy on Sunday. But then she said she didn’t know if she wanted visitors anyway. Not much else to say so I told her we can do the biodots now. She handed me a little card with the colored rating scale on it. She came over and put the little dot on my left hand between my thumb and pointer finger. The dot was a very dark color. Then she said things to try to get me to relax.
I can’t even remember what she said. I tried to relax but couldn’t really do it. I did try though. She told me to look at the color of the dot. It was still very dark like when she put it on me. Stressed. She told me it looks like it’s hard for me to relax. Yes it is. And she said with what we just did outside and my conversation with my son that wasn’t very good. Right. She asked me where I feel tense. The middle part of my body (from the middle of my thighs to my shoulders I showed her). I told her I’m thinking about going back outside and that’s making me tense. She asked me if it’s hard for me to relax because of my bladder. Yes. Just like my 20 minute massage. She asked me if I’m OK and after said I looked like ‘Is it over yet?’ She nodded like she understood.
I asked her what it is for her. She said it depends on what’s going on in different parts of the day but she can get it all the up to the purple color. Mine didn’t seem to move at all. I asked about other people. She said she did it on 2 others today and they start out black and can get it up to blue/purple when they relax. I asked her how long that takes. She said about 10 minutes. We both know I’m scared to relax too much. Afraid I’ll go to the bathroom. Maybe I’ll do better later. She said I can practice at home. And, I said, make sure I go to the bathroom first. “Right,” she agreed. I asked her how long it lasts. She said it lasts a long time but the stickiness may not.
I told her I think it’s heat activated. If I put my hand over it maybe it’ll go up. She said it is heat activated. I put my hand over it and I saw a little bit of green trying to appear. She teased me and said that’s cheating. She also commented that I always want to do things differently, in my own way – kind of in a negative way but trying to be nice about it. She asked me if I’m always tense and uptight like I seem to be in here. No, not all the time. But no offense to her – I am when I come in here. I asked her if I seem to be with her. She said I do a lot but not when I’m laughing. She said when I feel stressed to get moving – dancing and such.
She stressed again about seeing the doctor – the specialist – and maybe she can help me and then I will be able to get my anxiety down. Then I’ll be able to hold it longer and go longer between times. She said there are a lot of things I don’t do because of it. I agreed. She said maybe we should go walking now while my stress level is not up there as much. I told her I don’t need to go to the bathroom again yet. So we waited and I talked about something else.
I told her about my friend calling today about a Trivia Night. His wife isn’t going and still invited my husband and myself. I don’t know if I want to go. I’m not too worried about bathrooms because I remember from last year you are free to walk around and bid on things and you don’t have to play the whole time. But I’m not into Trivia and my husband’s good at it. I don’t want to look dumb. And I don’t know the other people.
She asked me which one was keeping me from saying yes the most. I said the people. I would go if the wife was going. I felt uncomfortable not knowing the others last time. I can ‘wing’ the trivia stuff. Maybe this is when she mentioned about there’s a lot I don’t do (in branching out) because of my problem. That is really true. She said my husband can go and not me. She’s done that before with her husband. She’s not into the trivia thing either and he is. I said I want him to ask again and if I say no I’m afraid he won’t. I really would go if his wife was going. And he’ll wonder why I don’t want to go. I can tell him the truth but then he’ll say, ‘You’re friendly. You’ll be fine.’
So at the end of talking about this I was needing to go to the bathroom again, maybe for about 30 seconds or so before I said something. I told her I needed to go and she knew I wanted to go walking again. “Is it getting too late now? Are you sure you’re not pushing yourself too much?” she asked me. It was like she thought I waited too long and questioned that I can do it now or not. I think she was watching me and maybe I winced or moved around a little before I told her. “No, it’s OK,” I told her and we got up. She reminded me to take my bag. “You have my bag,” I told her and motioned towards her drawer. She got it out and handed it to me. “You hold it,” I said giving it back to her. She gave me this funny look like she wanted me to but didn’t say. I knew she wanted me to hold it longer last time when she didn’t ask for it back but I didn’t say. I just told her this time, “I don’t want to be reminded,” as we walked out.
So we walked out, down the stairs and back outside to the back. Pretty silent again. But I think I said a few more things this time. She asked me if the Trivia Night is for a fund raiser. Yes. She said it’s a good fund raiser. I said how we got a bread a month for a year I bid on and won and I knew it was coming soon because we were on our last month. I think I said it might snow on Saturday and she said something about cutting or covering her daffodils. I can’t quite remember.
Maybe she said we’ll walk around 1 time when we got out there. Maybe not. Maybe we talked about 2 times. Maybe not. It’s just hard for me to remember when I need to go that badly and I’m concentrating on keeping calm and not escalating – and not going. But we had gotten to the point that we walked around the circle one time. I told her we can do two – the circles are little. So we did and then we walked back with no hesitation. I think I mumbled, “I can do this,” on our way back. I don’t know if she heard or not – she didn’t say anything. She asked me where I was going to go – downstairs? I nodded yes without hesitation. We were about to the back door and I told her both my shoes are untied. She opened the door and told me she’d wait there (on that landing between the bottom stairs set) while I went.
I went, thought about my bag as I was already down the stairs. What if I needed it? She still had it and I’m surprised she didn’t give it to me just in case. But I was OK! Yes! I went to the bathroom, washed my hands, careful not to wash the Biodot off and came back out. She was still on that landing waiting. We walked back up that half of the stairs. On the first floor she looked back at me wondering how I did. “Yes!” I told her. “Good,” she told me. We were both happy I made it OK this time. Walking back up the next set of stairs I told her, “I can’t say it was easy.” She made a comment like she knew it was hard for me.
So we walked back into her office. I noticed both times, this second time, she glanced into the massage therapist’s office. She wasn’t there either times. We both sat down and she knew I was happy I made it OK this time. But I don’t remember talking that much about it. I think we mostly talked about the Biodot and going to the doctor. I told her my OB is next week. What day? Wednesday. She said we’ll talk about it Tuesday. Monday – I corrected her. She said the other doctor is the following week. She was glancing at her calendar I’m sure remembering the date I told her. I told her how I’ve been avoiding talking about it but I know I have to. She said she’s excited for me to go but she knows I’m apprehensive. Yes.
She said many people when they get older find they have to deal with something whether it’s diabetes or high blood pressure or whatever. She went on to say that I’m a healthy person, energetic, am flexible, play with my grandkids and such. I said, “We’ll see what my OB says.” She nodded yes. But she’s just not sure if I can’t get my stress level down if I’ll be able to wait longer and such. My stress is so much on my bladder. I said if I can get my mind to do it. I added it’s like patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time and I can do that (I had showed her)! She agreed.
I told her the practicing here is good. She said I need to practice this at home – waiting as long as I can. I told her I do – not all the time but I do. She said to time it and try to increase it more and more. It’s a good thing to tell the doctor, too. How long it is when I need to go and when I actually do go. I didn’t know but asked her how long it is when I do it in here – what’s the longest. She thought 15 minutes when we go walking and in there. I told her I remember 11 minutes one time. I didn’t say but I’m not sure why she remembers longer. I don’t think it’s 15 minutes. Maybe from the time we leave and until we come back but that includes going to the bathroom, changing clothes and coming back. I told her it’s usually 5 – 10 minutes.
She said how I can’t go as long when I’m feeling stress. I know. She also said that I can’t go as long as when I’m with people verses in here. I guess because that makes me more stressed and I’m up doing things. I looked down while we were talking and saw my little Biodot was green now – better. She said something about the hard part is over now referring to the walking outside and needing to go to the bathroom. She said that was good and asked me if I cheated. No. But then I said my sleeve was covering so I’m not sure. She continued to talk about how important it is to see the doctor and maybe there are some new things out. I told her I was glad we were at the end because I don’t want to talk about it. She smirkingly smiled and teased, “I know. That’s why I saved this for the end.”
Before I left I did tell her when I had my grandson yesterday I felt very lucky to have him – very greatfull. And also my granddaughter and my other kids (forgot to mention my husband) even though they don’t always act like I would like them to. She said she’s very glad to hear that. Some people don’t have that. I do feel that. We ended. She told me to take the Biodot sticker off, enjoy my massage and have a nice weekend. Her, too.
My massage therapist was not in her office yet. I hung in the hallway a second, saw my therapist get water, she glanced at me and I decided to wait in the waiting room. My massage therapist came just as my therapist came back out to get her next client and we went in first before my therapist and her next client (a maybe 30 year old girl with a blondish ponytail). She’s going to Hawaii for a week and a half. I told her next time it’s our trip. She said we trade off. She’s said that before about us separately but what I meant was ‘our’ trip I tease about. Well, that probably won’t happen but it’s nice to think I could do that with no worries. Wish I could!
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