Big, this week is big

It is soooooo great to have Heidi here. She continually amazes me. She is fearless, brilliant, incredible!
But historically, this week is not a happy one. I'm reliving 2009 in my mind. It started out well:
Sunday the 4th: Drew and I were married. Andy felt sick.
Monday the 5th: he felt sick still but refused to take any aspirin
Tuesday the 6th: Drew and I flew to the Caribbean for our honeymoon, Andy flew to his home and job in Oakland CA.
Wednesday the 7th: we're all in our places
Thursday the 8th: Andy goes to work at the cafe' and can't see or talk right. A friend rushes him to the ER. CT scan, MRI: large mass in brain. Friend calls Andy's brother Byron, also in Oakland (thank god), who calls his father Larry, in Maine. Larry calls us.
Friday the 9th: we start working on how and when to get to CA from the Caribbean... Andy is seen by a neuro-surgeon who schedules him for surgery on Tuesday the 13th.
Sat & Sun: Andy is at Byron and Caitlin's apt... stunned, terrified, on meds... Larry goes to CA. I spoke with Andy on the phone and said I would be there when he woke up... and to remember that at first everything would be different but even if he couldn't talk or walk to remember we would love him and help him and probably he would get better. I also asked Byron to download a Medical Power of Attorney form and have Andy sign it, which he did. (This turned out to be a very good thing to have over the following 17 months.)
Monday the 12th: we take off for Maine. The plan is to spend one night, re-pack, and both fly to CA. I 'explain' to Drew why it IS a good idea for him to come too. Andy has his pre-admit meeting with the hospital and sets up MediCal, the free care... he is essentially homeless and destitute. 
Tuesday the 13th: he goes into surgery in the morning, with our hearts on the table too. We fly from Maine to California. As soon as we touched down, I called Larry and he said, 'it's not good, Sarah. It's something called Glioblastoma. He's in ICU... I'll see you when you get here.' I called my sister in Boston and said please google this. She called me back and said, 'It's not good, Sarah.' She read me the whole thing. Poor poor Andy. For no good reason, this wrecking ball of a disease, in his beautiful head. 
Nuff said. Sometimes if I start to think about that night and the post-op nightmare, the inadequacies of that ghetto hospital, I get stuck in a very dark place. I am not going there right now. My therapist helped me with the mantra: "It's over. He doesn't remember it. I am never going back there." A million times later, still true: It's over. He doesn't remember it. I am never going back there. And......... even though it doesn't make it fair or right...... he is at peace.
xoxoxo Sarah

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Such a terrible calendar of events......a terrible loss....so very sad. And yes, he is at peace...no more pain and disappointment. I, too, have wandered to the \"dark place\" this morning, as my eye caught the name on a video that was in a cabinet.....Football season \'94......and then I was there....trying to \"fix\" in my mind my \"little\" boy from hurting himself.....it is too dark to see or understand. I am better in the Light. Have peace, too, my friend. Hugs, dale, brandon\'s mom
deleted_user
deleted_user

Yes, the timeline...oh Sarah. I am glad you have Heidi there as you have to walk through this.

As Dale said, \"Have peace\"

much love,

Soos
Abotsd
Abotsd

G-d knows if we could have done something we would have done anything to save our sons. We all know this. It\'s my own mantra. the horribleness of losing a child is the expanding guilt that rides along with it. Push it away! I know you would have given the heart from your body! and you know this! I see my therapist twice a month. She doesn\'t have more time than this for me. I\'m grateful for what I\'ve got. We loved, we lost. It\'s not unique. I love you and wish you a peaceful year, a year of good health and good friends. abby
Missinglisa
Missinglisa

How awful to get that news when it should have been such a joyous occasion (not that there is a good time). I can understand you never wanting to see that hospital again. I feel the same about the hospital where Lisa died.
Our kids are in peace now but it sure isn\'t easy for us.
Glad you have Heidi. Hope 2011 is filled with peace love hope and some happiness.
Hugs, Marlene
zzztop
zzztop

oh i can cry foryour son my daughter also died a horrible death all i could do was watch. i was in such denial kept thinking she would get better and she was on life support. oh i think of those horrible times they lacerated her liver, took out her gull bladder she had lupus she had no immune system left. loust drs. i can feel your pain so much. and feel the suffering see your kid suffering so much why what did they do??? i,am still angery at dr. ((tried to sue)) they blamed my daughter. some times her angel day is 1/18/20011 8 years i still get so sad and sick. god bless these young people so much love to you mary ann/zz
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

Sometimes I think we must go back and do this. As you have learned, you get to choose how long you decide to be there in those memories. Only you know what that looks like for you and having Heidi there to process with is such a gift. Talk about perfect timing for a visit... I read this time line and my heart just breaks. One moment living life, the next an excrutiating headache, can\'t see, talk and then the diagnosis. Yet what stands out is the incredible outpouring of loving support surrounding Andy and each of you. You stepped up, didn\'t run and were in the mosh pit together... With you dear Sarah as you remember, poke around, cry, laugh, exchange perspectives, all of it. Thank you for allowing us to companion you my friend. Peace to our sons now, the kind that perhaps they could only find in fleeting moments are theirs now forever. This truly is sometimes the only thing that keeps me from tearing off my clothes and running screaming through the streets yelling a mother\'s primal cry. With love, Joanie
TamzinsMum
TamzinsMum

I am glad you wrote the start of your timeline with Andy from the beginning days.....I really understand. It always feels so heavy, each year those days feel so full of feeling. Tamzin\'s countdown began on the 30th Nov. I had written recently the 29th Nov, but I was counting the night before, when I arrived by train to go with him to his Specialist appt when he got diagnosed. Everyone was telling me I was worrying too much about his cough but I couldn\'t help it. He hadn\'t been sick all year. I\'m glad you told us Andy\'s beginning dates. I always remember dates xxxx LOve from Kriss And I am Glad Heidi is with you xxxx
lynette22
lynette22

My therapist told me it\'s how the mind works, losing our beloved children is so shocking as the shock wears off we\'re able to handle a little more reality and our minds and our HEARTS take us there and we slide a few steps back, it\'s a vicious circle but needed in order to move forward. We all I\'m sure shed tears at your heartwrenching words, Andy is at peace and I love Joanie\'s words about the peace our boys have now but I\'ll gladly join any mom running through the streets yelling out the injustice. Hugs and love, Lynette
deleted_user
deleted_user

It is so great you have Heidi there...your journal really made me feel closer to Andy, not sure why maybe just to know the walk he had to take such a shock for him and you. I too would like to run down the street at times.......although without my clothes would not be that cute ;0)
Thinking about you all... Marilyn xo
PLA58
PLA58

It sounds like PTSD. Our minds work in mysterious ways, no one really understands it. Take it slow and breath. It is hard, maybe Heidi has a tea that will help....... Peace and love

Hugs Penny
BinkyH
BinkyH

I appreciate what Lynette\'s therapist said: that as the shock wears off, we do handle the reality a bit more at a time. The \"dark place\" is where we all, as moms, will visit for the rest of our lives, but hopefully less and less frequently and always with less intensity, as we now that the light, hope and love abounds. Hugs, Belinda