Big scary feelings...
Ok, time once again to be honest. I know that I try and come across as a little wry and try to be funny and positive alot on here but last night that cold terror kept me up for half of the night.
So I am 9 days post ovulation today and I usually start my period 10days post...which means that I should be expecting my period tomorrow....now on past history, I have acted like a child and literally thrown my toys out of the cot, kicked and screamed and stomped around for the day until I start to get a grip and calm down. The problem being, we are hosting the in-laws for MIL's birthday...which means I have to try and act ok....damn near impossible around these people as they drive me insane in the best of circumstances. I have already spoken to the Hubster abut this and we have decided tha I will have an out in case we accidentally "forget" something and I have to drive in to town just o get away from them for a bit....but I don't know I am literally terrified of losing my shit in front of them.
Well, I am terrified of getting a negative result this month. I have put so much effort into being more positive, and less stressed this time around...I am so scared that if it doesn't work then I will just give up and lose the will to live. I know that I am a monster each month I get a negative and that my husband deserves a freaking medal for putting up with me...nd I know that his heart breaks a little more each negative we get as well. He would ake a terrific father and I feel like I am letting him down each time I fail a pregnancy test.
I am too scared to even hope this time around. I know that planning for the next cycle helps-as evidenced by other people's journal entries on here, but it is providing me with absolutely no comfort this time around. I know that next month, I am not going to have the HCG trigger shot as that really messed with my head....not really sure about the clomid yet...and definitely not having the daily bloods. So I guess that is something.
I am also swimming more and really enjoying it. Surpisingly, I can see my pool fitness increasing each week. Things that were daunting and difficult last week are a breeze for me this week. So maybe the moral of this story/rambling is tha I focus more on swimming and even some yoga as well as more meditation next month. Maybe a complete break will help me..I dont know.
Just feeling alone and terrified.
Sorry for such a depressing post....will do the gratefuls later.
So I am 9 days post ovulation today and I usually start my period 10days post...which means that I should be expecting my period tomorrow....now on past history, I have acted like a child and literally thrown my toys out of the cot, kicked and screamed and stomped around for the day until I start to get a grip and calm down. The problem being, we are hosting the in-laws for MIL's birthday...which means I have to try and act ok....damn near impossible around these people as they drive me insane in the best of circumstances. I have already spoken to the Hubster abut this and we have decided tha I will have an out in case we accidentally "forget" something and I have to drive in to town just o get away from them for a bit....but I don't know I am literally terrified of losing my shit in front of them.
Well, I am terrified of getting a negative result this month. I have put so much effort into being more positive, and less stressed this time around...I am so scared that if it doesn't work then I will just give up and lose the will to live. I know that I am a monster each month I get a negative and that my husband deserves a freaking medal for putting up with me...nd I know that his heart breaks a little more each negative we get as well. He would ake a terrific father and I feel like I am letting him down each time I fail a pregnancy test.
I am too scared to even hope this time around. I know that planning for the next cycle helps-as evidenced by other people's journal entries on here, but it is providing me with absolutely no comfort this time around. I know that next month, I am not going to have the HCG trigger shot as that really messed with my head....not really sure about the clomid yet...and definitely not having the daily bloods. So I guess that is something.
I am also swimming more and really enjoying it. Surpisingly, I can see my pool fitness increasing each week. Things that were daunting and difficult last week are a breeze for me this week. So maybe the moral of this story/rambling is tha I focus more on swimming and even some yoga as well as more meditation next month. Maybe a complete break will help me..I dont know.
Just feeling alone and terrified.
Sorry for such a depressing post....will do the gratefuls later.
Replies
Good luck with the in laws! A trip out to escape is a great idea. You should be proud of being positive no matter what happens. Thinking positive does not have to be just for TTC, but for life in general. So this is good practice. And, there is nothing wrong to need a little help with meds like Clomid.
Good luck. Thinking of you!
We have all been there at some point! Where we feel like there is no reason to go on. But there is, and the prize at the end of this journey is so worth it. We all take a different road and have a specific story to tell, but in the end all of us with IF are striving for the same thing. You are stronger then you realize. You can handle these in-laws. You are tougher than your give yourself credit for You can handle any results and bounce back. You are more resilient then you know and you will survive this! Go easy on yourself, if you need time alone just, take a shower or go for a walk. You and your hubby together will figure this out. Cut yourself some slack, you are doing great.