Big Faith
A tenant found in multiple theologies is that the Cosmic Powers donae give you more than their faith in you says you can handle. Yesterday evening, as hubs and I were fielding the myriad of details flooding in from the three cities which hold his birth family, our sons+ and the scarcely known cities holding my brother's death drama 1800 miles away, I found myself shaking my fist at the sky and screaming soft enough that I didnae frighten the grandchildren at our feet, "Could you have a little less faith in me, please?" The sheer quantity of all this is purely daunting. The list is too long for my tired, old fingers to type just now.
In the midst of the incoming chaos, ES sent hubs a picture of a business card left on the front door of the Urban Homestead yesterday. Child Protective Services. A handwritten scribble on the face of the card called hubs and I by first name, asking to speak with us. Not much of a surprise, but ouch, all the same. I voted to not call, but to advise YS of the card when he returns tomorrow. I guess that is today now. He left the GKs with us to drive the 190 miles for visiting hour at the hospital where his wife is currently staying as the current shit storm was gaining gale strength. The plan is for him to return today. Hubs will drive the right angle of the triangle to pick up ES for the drive to the great-grand-house to finish the job the Bro Blow disrupted last weekend. After that job is finished, the great-grand-house will be handed over to an estate sale contractor to become a staging canvas for an antiquities dealer. Seems appropriate enough to this DIL for Mister and Missus Surname's last hoorah for their fancy house to be a staging canvas. I still don't really understand the last 36 years of the last show that was staged there. My White Trash roots is dirty, but they is mine.
Well, Cosmic Powers, you think I can handle all this? Get up off that guidance, because I surely don't see how.
Small steps, big faith and lots of prayer.
Replies
There is a white owl who spends its days on a rafter in the big barn here. It has flown off each time I go in there to work. It buzzed me when I went from the garage to the house for my second cup of coffee. Well. . . I think it was the same bird, anyhoo. Don't know too much about owls, beyond the way it took my breath away as it flew within feet of my head. Big bird. . .
Oh, Arfie, that's a wonderful omen in my personal cosmology. The owl is meant to be wisdom, and he/she gave you a buzz. The ancient Greeks would say Athena's giving you a bit of a fist-bump. In my personal cosmology, an owl is simply a reminder that even the night holds awe-inspiring things.
That said? I know, so well. "Damn you, God, stop thinking I'm so blasted strong! You're way overestimating me, trust me on that! Gaaaaah!" is a common song for me. I've buried too many, had to be "strong" too darned often to think I'm "all that".
A wise man said to stay away from people who aren't afirad. They're either stupid or insane. You're neither, so if you're feeling the freakout? That's weirdly good news....
Puma purrrs from safe distance, and paw-bump to you.
I don't know how to put it. I've seen people go down and not come back up again.
But until that happens to me, I'm going to (at least try) to say "screw it" and find as much love and joy along the way as I can.
Owl sounds beautiful, if a bit startling.
(Child protection services aren't likely to take a child away just because a parent is suicidal. Now if there's more to the story...then that's another situation. But that's not a bridge that you've come to yet. For now, all you know is that the public health services are trying to be Save than Sorry...which is a good, good, good thing.)
I've never been a fan of "Some deity or Cosmic Force (insert cosmology of your choice here) will never give you more than you can handle" philosophy. In my experience, it's not true. Things happen. Some things you have control over and some things you don't. Similarly, some things you can cope with and some things you can't. For the things you can't, support helps. I've known and heard of plenty of people throughout human history who have been given more than they can handle and it shouldn't be a test to pass or fail. Of course, everyone's mileage varies.
Thank you for sharing your belief, Flossie. I am happy to hear it works for you.
Please do not be offended if I wait for a calmer day to try to fit it onto my already over-full plate. I do not know, I only believe that today is not a good day for me to be reevaluating my articles of faith. That "everyone's mileage varies" among my current articles of faith.
Good luck with your own ___ insert preferred words here ___