BFN Aftermath, AF & Disappointment
It's been 3 days since I got the confirmation of my BFN and I'm starting to feel better. This BFN was the worst one yet. Between the tears, lots of sleeping (my avoidance "drug" of choice) and looking forward to the next FET, I'm starting to climb out of this BFN funk. DH has been great, catering to me and being really sweet and basically doing anything that he thinks will cheer me up. He even offered to eat at a restaurant that he absolutely hates and will never go to, but knows I like! I really didn't expect the news to hit me so hard....I obviously knew it was a huge possibility, but I was so excited that this was the farthest we've come in this IF process and really hoped I could get a BFP with my first FET. I'll chalk it up to a combination of naive hoping for beginners luck thinking. I think the reality of it not working hit me hard also because I know we only have 2 more tries at this (that insurance helps cover) and also I have to face the facts that I am 43, soon to be 44 years old and let's face it, that is pretty far past ideal fertility age. And to make things worse, of course AF came with a vengenance - my cramps are soooooo bad and sooooo intense and the pain killers I took 3 hours ago have done nothing to help. It's bad enough when we get a BFN, but is it really necessary to rub salt in the wound by making AF so awful!? Ugh!
Moving onto my next topic to complain about: support systems. I am feeling pretty disappointed with mine (and no, absolutely not any of you or DS!!!) I'm feeling sad by the few family members and friends we've told who knew we had the FET and the subsequent BFN. We told them about the BFN and how it hit us pretty hard (well, me more than DH) and we heard a bunch of I'm sorrys, etc. but since Friday, no calls, emails or any "checking in" on us. Are my expectations too high here, and am just being overly sensitive? Maybe this is AF hormones talking, but I feel hurt over this and don't get it because the people that knew are people who are always super suppportive and caring. The only thing I can think is that they just don't know what to say or that they want to give us some space to heal. It's sad, but it just reminds me how the world just seems to be uncomfortable when it comes to IF, and it's still a taboo subject. It also reminds me how very fortunate I am to have my DS sisters and all of the amazing support from you all. I swear, I think sometimes joining DS has saved me from at least one breakdown, if not more lol!
Anyway, if you have made it this far in the journal, thank you....I realize I'm totally rambling here! Hoping you all enjoyed your weekends and staying cool in the summer heat.
Love to all xoxoxo
Moving onto my next topic to complain about: support systems. I am feeling pretty disappointed with mine (and no, absolutely not any of you or DS!!!) I'm feeling sad by the few family members and friends we've told who knew we had the FET and the subsequent BFN. We told them about the BFN and how it hit us pretty hard (well, me more than DH) and we heard a bunch of I'm sorrys, etc. but since Friday, no calls, emails or any "checking in" on us. Are my expectations too high here, and am just being overly sensitive? Maybe this is AF hormones talking, but I feel hurt over this and don't get it because the people that knew are people who are always super suppportive and caring. The only thing I can think is that they just don't know what to say or that they want to give us some space to heal. It's sad, but it just reminds me how the world just seems to be uncomfortable when it comes to IF, and it's still a taboo subject. It also reminds me how very fortunate I am to have my DS sisters and all of the amazing support from you all. I swear, I think sometimes joining DS has saved me from at least one breakdown, if not more lol!
Anyway, if you have made it this far in the journal, thank you....I realize I'm totally rambling here! Hoping you all enjoyed your weekends and staying cool in the summer heat.
Love to all xoxoxo
Replies
I am so sorry. I should have thought to warn you about AF after a bfn, for some reason after being pumped up on drugs she becomes a super B! I am not giving up hope for you. Two FETs give you a good chance. You are going to prove that it can happen. I just know it.
As for the people you told not having any response, it\'s rude. I\'ve been in that same situation, one of the reasons we stopped taking about our IF. It was just too much to bear. People don\'t know what to say and unless one has been through this they don\'t truly understand. I am sorry.
One thing is for sure though, we are lucky to have our DS sisters. I am here for you.
I am so so sorry you are struggling but glad you are feeling a little bit better at least. I am terrified of a BFN after IVF. I cannot imagine how you feel. BUT, i do know that several ladies on here have had luck after a couple of tries. I really hope that your next one is THE golden egg. As for your family/friends.......i do think people struggle with how to support us. Sometimes I hate when they ask. Sometimes I\'m sad if they don\'t. Thank GOD for DS! XOXO
I\'m glad you\'re feeling a bit better, so sorry it was a BFN but am hoping that your next FET is the one! Sorry AF is her usual bitchy self, she does seem to get an attitude when we least need it! Your DH sounds so sweet, that was nice of him to offer going to that restaurant! Support systems don\'t ever seem to live up to what we need from them. I agree with ktk in that sometimes I hate when they ask, but am mad/sad when they don\'t. I found with my friends that they just didn\'t know what to say, but I am not sure what I wanted to hear from them. And of course now you have AF so the hormones make it worse. Thankfully we all have each other on here, what did I ever do without you awesome ladies! Hoping every day this gets easier for you! Big hugs!
Glad to hear you are doing better and that DH has been so awesome! What would we do without them sometimes! Sorry AF is being a bitch and you are not getting the support you need from your people. I am sure you are correct in that they just do not know what to say. I am excited you have to more tries at FET. I know one of them will work! Hope you have a good week and that it just gets better! XOXO
So sorry that it\'s hitting you so hard, but it\'s good to hear that you\'re starting to feel better. No matter how much we think we\'ve prepared ourselves for the worst, it never makes it hurt any less.
As far as your people letting you down, it\'s probably mostly that they just don\'t know what to say. When people don\'t understand what you\'re going through, it\'s hard for them to console you. I have a friend that has a child with some pretty major developmental issues, and it seems to me like she\'s always having a pity party about it. Thing is, I\'m seeing it from the angle of \"at least you have a child\". But from her perspective, everyone else has \"normal\" children. I try to understand that, but it\'s hard because I really have no idea what it\'s like for her to go through that. So I generally just either say things like \"so sorry, it must be hard\" or just stay quiet, because I really don\'t know what to say.
So it\'s ok to feel whatever you feel, and if it makes you mad that they aren\'t around, then be mad! But try to cut them some slack, because most of them probably want to help, they just don\'t know how. That\'s what we\'re here for!! Hugs!!
I\'m so sorry again but glad you are feeling a little better. Sorry about the pain. Itreally is so bad. I sometimes feel we should be able to get an epidural !
I wish I knew why our friends don\'t get it when it comes to IF. I\'ve always talked about my issue and have always felt most suck in there response. I had a friend tell me not to worry after my first mc because now for sure the next one would stick since she had lost one and was pregnant the next month.
I\'m glad we can be here for you.
Hugs
I\'m sorry you\'re going through this. I smiled that your husband offered to go to a restaurant that he doesn\'t normally like :) Very sweet and thoughtful of him. I hope you feel better physically soon. And the emotions...so hard. I agree so much about what you and others have said here about support systems. Mine (outside of DS) have turned out not cracked up to be what I had thought they were.
It is true that people don\'t know what to say beyond offering their sorries. And then what....and I feel the same as you....we\'ve had two pregnancy losses and I\'ve struggled so much with the lack of support from most individuals in my life. Yet when I imagine what would I like them to say? I sort of come up empty. Just someone offering a shoulder to cry on...an ear to listen...is really the most golden thing that someone can do. There is no magical fix...no special words they can utter. But I agree....making themselves available to us would help a lot. Hugs to you.
Glad to hear you are feeling better:) Your DH sounds wonderful! Sorry about your friends/family. I find that for me also that nobody quite knows what to say so they say nothing at all. It can be quite frustrating. I often think just a quick phone call to say \"How are you?\", would make a world of difference. Thank goodness for DS! We\'re ALWAYS here for you...xoxo
That\'s nice your Dh is being so great!!! I really don\'t think people know what to do for support. They might be trying to spare your feelings by not bringing it up and giving you space to grieve. Sorry about the horrible AF. It was like that for me too.