Between the joy and horror that life can bring
we are "trained" to love life. since we are born we hear how wonderful life is, how important it is to follow the right path, to do what brings joy to you and others.
but what do you do when you do all that the book says, you work hard, you dedicate your life to your family, only to hear that you are rude, that you are a monster, that you don't do this and you don't do that, that you should do it alone?
more than ever, i know my grandparents wanted me to have a nice life and they did what they could - but I am beginning to get angry at this and everything that led me to the life I live right now. even them. I feel right now that it would not have been a bad thing to see the monster my mother was to finish with me when I was young so I would notave to live the life I live right now. I hate it.
tears roll down my face and all I think is to run, run, run... never look back. i look around and I think: what would I take with me if I do this tomorrow? where would i go? how much do I need to start a new life? maybe hide in the woods in NC or the snow in MN, or rush to a place never seen.
Oh, God, I turn to you because I really believe that there must be a reason for all the hell I am living and I look back to see very little joy. should this be the history for my life's forecast? then what is the point?
but what do you do when you do all that the book says, you work hard, you dedicate your life to your family, only to hear that you are rude, that you are a monster, that you don't do this and you don't do that, that you should do it alone?
more than ever, i know my grandparents wanted me to have a nice life and they did what they could - but I am beginning to get angry at this and everything that led me to the life I live right now. even them. I feel right now that it would not have been a bad thing to see the monster my mother was to finish with me when I was young so I would notave to live the life I live right now. I hate it.
tears roll down my face and all I think is to run, run, run... never look back. i look around and I think: what would I take with me if I do this tomorrow? where would i go? how much do I need to start a new life? maybe hide in the woods in NC or the snow in MN, or rush to a place never seen.
Oh, God, I turn to you because I really believe that there must be a reason for all the hell I am living and I look back to see very little joy. should this be the history for my life's forecast? then what is the point?
Replies
I am there with you!
Through grieving for the loss of WAY TOO MANY important loved ones this last decade I came to the conclusion that the best way to cope with these losses is to look for the happy memories whenever I feel my grief overwelming me. Perhaps we could use this tatic to deal with the other bad memories, even if we can only say \"I Survived you and because I survived I am stronger\".
In my eyes, you have brought me much comfort in past with your words. I only hope I can reciprocate. Listen... You are a valuable person in my world. You\'ve been told lies (as I have) by some of the people who are supposed to love you. They are not capable of loving anyone. Do not tie your destiny to their unkind, deceitful truths. You learned adaptive behaviors to get you through past experiences with those same people. These people did not encourage development of healthy self-parts.
Examples of adaptive behaviors include being over-responsible for others. Being overly responsible leads to polarization. It\'s fatal to relationship and if you internalize responsibility you turn on yourself. How to work through this? 1st see it clearly for what it is. I am no longer living with my spouse. That was my first step. I didn\'t give up other good parts of my life but spouse relationship was not working. I am going to post work I am doing on rebuilding in journal. I don\'t know the right formula for healing. I am blindly going at this not knowing what outcome will be. At times I want to give up on myself and I listen to words from you and others and I keep going. How do I heal this? I keep asking myself that. I\'m trying different approaches and talking it out with people on DS, my counselor and my journal. Recently I posted, \"Letting it go.\" I by no means am saying I have let it go. But I reread these words by unknown author and I feel empowered. Take a look at that post, \"Letting it go.\" I don\'t pretend to have the answers. But today I am feeling better (this changes) but I believe I am going in right direction. If you want to talk over phone, p.m me and I will send you my phone number. Lovely CMondo, I am with you and will accompany you through this. I lift you up and send you a prayer of protection. I cannot erase what has happened in the past. I ask God to deliver us, hold us and help us to heal from all of this pain.
I started reading this journal entry and wondered when I wrote it - did I write it while sleep walking? C, I could have written what you wrote. The people are different but the ugliness is the same. My female boss tell me to my face almost every day that I\'m rude and treats me like I\'m a monster. I try not to let her hurtful words get to me. But they do of course. All my life I\'ve had to stop myself from running away. I day dreamed of running away when I was a kid. I wanted to climb out my bedroom window and just run. I\'ve never stopped having that flight reflex. It\'s so mind boggling to read my thoughts coming from someone else. All day I\'ve been thinking about calling my doc to get more meds for my depression. The last paragraph you wrote really hit home for me. I\'m guessing God sent me here tonight to tell you that you are def not alone with those thoughts and to let me know I\'m not alone either. God works in mysterious ways. Big hugs to you! I\'m sorry for anyone else on Earth to be as tormented as I am.
You have done more than anyone could be asked to do and they still beat you down....The difference between what you experienced with your grandparents and what currently is happening, is that they didn\'t have to put themselves in between you and your mother. They raised you their own way without the stress, hatred, threats, and acrimony that you deal with every single day. They also had each other for support, you have only those people you allow into your life.....and how many of those are there?
If you can make the choice to walk away, I\'m sure you will land on your feet....no one can keep CMondo down....I know that...so do you!