Betterbut still worried

It seems the Prozac is able to counteract a lot of the anxiety, which is a good thing. One a scale from 1 to 10 my anxiety is a 2-3 compared to 8-10 a few months back. The bad thing is that I still can’t stop the worry and accompanying sadness/hopeless feelings. I can’t seem to stop worrying about every worst-case scenario with that stupid place. All I can see is being stuck with that place and while I’m stuck every bad thing you can imagine happening to add insult to injury.  I spent my entire life trying to save so that one day I could buy a vacation home someplace warm and sunny…be careful what you wish for I guess. Now it just feels like a nightmare. When you set your expectations too high your bound to be disappointed. I will never try to follow a dream again as reality can never come close to what your mind envisions. Now with my only dream crushed by reality more reality sets in. The economy is a mess, housing is a mess, and God only knows how much less that place will be worth when I eventually try to sell. No sense in trying to sell now with all the desperate jerks and greedy banks/builders who caused all this trying to sell their stupid foreclosed junk! People like that should get hurt!  People who did everything the right way are now stuck. I guess when your dream becomes your nightmare depression is inevitable. If I liked the place maybe this wouldn’t feel so bad right now. All I see now is everything I saved for going out the window every month and that place depreciating like a used car because of this economic mess. I don’t think I’ll be right again until that place is gone. Hopefully people start buying again in the next couple of years. I know I’m going to lose money but at least the stress will be gone and I can begin again with many lessons learned. The only good things I can see are the lessons. I feel this experience has brought me back to God, which is important. I started to drift for a time but I realized that God is the only thing in life that can’t be taken away. I learned my limitations. I think Clint Eastwood said “a man needs to know his limitations”. I now know mine. This has made me feel closer then ever to my family. My parents have been an incredible help through all this even as they face their own challenges of closing a business and trying to sell the building. We are in the same boat right now but they are dealing with things better then I am. It makes me sad that this is the first time in almost 5 years my girlfriend and I saw a rough patch in our relationship but I believe this test will serve us well in the future. I guess every relationship has to be tested at some point and it’s seems we are passing the test! This situation also pushed me over the edge enough to get help. I should have gone for help a long time ago as I have suffered with anxiety/depression for 20+ years to some degree. I always thought I could beat it myself but I should have gone for help. So many years were spent in misery when I could have been happy had I not been so stubborn. I’m getting help now and thank you God I needed it! It took a nasty situation to push me but I now know there is help and it does work. I still have work to do and I will not be 100% until that place is gone but things are getting better in my mind. I also found the DS site along with DS friends who helped me make the correct decision and move forward with getting medicine and therapy! My DS friends have made a huge difference in support and changing how I think about getting help!  I pray I can continue to heal but I’m afraid that I won’t be able to fully enjoy life until that thing is gone from my life. I know that’s not a very positive way to look at things and maybe with time and therapy I can view things in a more positive light. Ultimately I can envision the day that thing sells…it feels like a 50 ton weight is lifting off my chest when I envision that day! Please God allow me to enjoy life until that wonderful day arrives! Wednesday, May 07, 2008 8:37 am