Better Walk Today
Today I did a 1.75 mile walk without sitting at all. I'm pretty proud of myself for it... last week I had trouble doing a mile and a half and I had to sit down a bunch. It gives me confidence that I will be able to do my 5k when the time comes. It took me 53 minutes to do the walk, so I'm still slow, but that's close to the 45 minutes that I was aiming for. That's about half the 5k that I did today, so it's good. Next week I'm going to do 2 miles, then 2.5, then my 3.1 for my 5k. I think I'm going to walk it more than jog it, even though the challenge I'm doing is walk and jog equally, but we will see.
Mood has been a bit all over the place today... I was good, and then I wasn't. I thought (very very) briefly about throwing myself in front of a bus on my walk, but that was it. I don't know where that came from... I was doing well and everything. I've been tired again today, even though I slept last night. I think I might have overslept, but we will find out tomorrow. Tomorrow's going to be a busy day... I have to wake up early and go to the doctor, then go into work. It's going to be an even longer day than when I go to therapy... I will have to wake up at 6:15am to leave the house on time. I don't know how I'm going to do it... I'm not too tired right now even though I'm normally tired at this time. I need to go to sleep soon. We will see how the long day tomorrow effects my mood.
I'm kinda using tomorrow as a test day... to see how I would do if I tried working a full day. I think if it goes well, then next Friday I will go in at 8am and see how it goes. I would love to be able to work a full day and get set to start actually working... but I'm scared at the same time. I don't know how I'm going to do come January, and how the depression is going to make me feel with work. I'm hoping I can do half days every day, but I don't know how it's going to work. I don't even know if they are going to give me a job. I hope they do, since I need the money, but it's been a while and there's been nothing but empty words. I know I'm expecting too much too soon. It's hard to get both sides of my brain to get back on track.
I don't know what tomorrow's going to bring. I hope it brings a good day, with lots of promise, but it's hard to get my hopes up. I know I'm going to be able to see my doctor, and that makes me happy since I like my doctor (regular doctor, not psychiatrist) and that I won't have to see the doctor at the clinic next week. I can cancel my appointment and not have to worry. It's been about 2 weeks since I was in the ER, and I've been feeling better for the most part. I have brief bouts where I don't feel well and it's hard for me to breathe, but they are short and not too painful. My heart has been back to normal as well, so everything seems to be going good. I'm going to get my official weight done tomorrow as well, so I can see how I've been doing... I hope to be under 250 on their scale. I'm about 240 on my scale at home, but theirs I weigh a lot more. I'm not too worried about it... I can't get too obsessed with my weight or else I might start getting bad thoughts about food again, and I've been so good at it. I don't know anymore if I had a real ED or not, but I know that I didn't have a healthy view of food.
Speaking of food, today I was under my calories again... It's hard for me to eat sometimes. I had to force myself to eat dinner, since if I didn't then I would be going to bed on an empty stomach and I don't want to do that. Last night I ate more meatloaf after I did my journal, and this morning I woke up super hungry. I don't want that to happen again. I can take my chicken for lunch, and that's it. I don't know if I have to be fasting for my Depakote test, but I'm going to look that up as soon as I'm done with this. I know I should go into the appointment fasting, since I want to get my labs done, but we will see. I may forget. I hope I don't but you never know. I just had my cholesterol and glucose checked about a month ago and they were good, so I'm not too worried about it, I'm more worried about the Depakote level. Stress was low today, and everything else I talked about above! Have a good night!
Mood has been a bit all over the place today... I was good, and then I wasn't. I thought (very very) briefly about throwing myself in front of a bus on my walk, but that was it. I don't know where that came from... I was doing well and everything. I've been tired again today, even though I slept last night. I think I might have overslept, but we will find out tomorrow. Tomorrow's going to be a busy day... I have to wake up early and go to the doctor, then go into work. It's going to be an even longer day than when I go to therapy... I will have to wake up at 6:15am to leave the house on time. I don't know how I'm going to do it... I'm not too tired right now even though I'm normally tired at this time. I need to go to sleep soon. We will see how the long day tomorrow effects my mood.
I'm kinda using tomorrow as a test day... to see how I would do if I tried working a full day. I think if it goes well, then next Friday I will go in at 8am and see how it goes. I would love to be able to work a full day and get set to start actually working... but I'm scared at the same time. I don't know how I'm going to do come January, and how the depression is going to make me feel with work. I'm hoping I can do half days every day, but I don't know how it's going to work. I don't even know if they are going to give me a job. I hope they do, since I need the money, but it's been a while and there's been nothing but empty words. I know I'm expecting too much too soon. It's hard to get both sides of my brain to get back on track.
I don't know what tomorrow's going to bring. I hope it brings a good day, with lots of promise, but it's hard to get my hopes up. I know I'm going to be able to see my doctor, and that makes me happy since I like my doctor (regular doctor, not psychiatrist) and that I won't have to see the doctor at the clinic next week. I can cancel my appointment and not have to worry. It's been about 2 weeks since I was in the ER, and I've been feeling better for the most part. I have brief bouts where I don't feel well and it's hard for me to breathe, but they are short and not too painful. My heart has been back to normal as well, so everything seems to be going good. I'm going to get my official weight done tomorrow as well, so I can see how I've been doing... I hope to be under 250 on their scale. I'm about 240 on my scale at home, but theirs I weigh a lot more. I'm not too worried about it... I can't get too obsessed with my weight or else I might start getting bad thoughts about food again, and I've been so good at it. I don't know anymore if I had a real ED or not, but I know that I didn't have a healthy view of food.
Speaking of food, today I was under my calories again... It's hard for me to eat sometimes. I had to force myself to eat dinner, since if I didn't then I would be going to bed on an empty stomach and I don't want to do that. Last night I ate more meatloaf after I did my journal, and this morning I woke up super hungry. I don't want that to happen again. I can take my chicken for lunch, and that's it. I don't know if I have to be fasting for my Depakote test, but I'm going to look that up as soon as I'm done with this. I know I should go into the appointment fasting, since I want to get my labs done, but we will see. I may forget. I hope I don't but you never know. I just had my cholesterol and glucose checked about a month ago and they were good, so I'm not too worried about it, I'm more worried about the Depakote level. Stress was low today, and everything else I talked about above! Have a good night!
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