Better but struggling

I haven't posted in a long time, but I'm having a hard time tonight. It's been a challenging week with some intense changes. Plus my youngest has been sick for a few days. She's a loud sleeper when she's sick and I'm a light sleeper as it is. I'm tired. Maybe that's why I feel depressed. Or maybe it's that my new job is at a daycare and I'm not okay with the way they do certain things. Maybe it's that the cause of my ptsd called the house. We are staying with my parents and he called. He never tries to contact me anymore. He asked about my kids, pried for answers, wanted to know when and where parents had seen us last. Strange. Mom wouldn't give answers and I don't know what the question was that prompted this but she said "maybe you ought to talk to her about that." I was hiding. When I was in college I dodged his calls and he'd always call while I was here. Mom knew I didn't want to talk to him and would just hand me the phone. I'd take it. I recognize my codependency now. I wish I'd just hung up back then. He deserved it. When I came out she told me about the conversation and I said "it's none of his business." As I was walking away she said "That's pretty rude." But it's not rude. I'm not rude. I'm healthy. I don't wnat him in my life. I'm still scared of him. I don't want him in my kids life. He's unpredictable and violent and worse. Everyone elses denial is their problem. I'm doing me. Maybe I'm depressed because I'm not sure what to do as a separated woman. Do I file for divorce? Why am I hesitating? I'm still questioning things I shouldn't question. I read in a workbook today, about healthy fear vs neurotic anxiety. As an abuse victim I see that I had what looked like neurotic anxiety while I was there. But healthy fear is valid, it does not linger....mine felt invalid because I was told that it was (by him) and it seemed like it lingered because it was constant, ongoing. Healthy fear is not something youre ashamed of....that confused me. The whole page confused me. I don't see my counselor until next week. I will keep working. I can see a big change in myself. I'm really working on changing my thoughts. I think I feel like I need a break....like I'm being pulled in all different directions and I just need time to process or sleep.