Better And Now Shes Leaving For A Week

I came in and she commented I made it in the snow.  I said it’s not bad out.  I looked down and she had a packet/book I had left there long ago she found in her bookshelf (not sure why it was there).  She wanted to give it back to me.  I said it was something we were going to work on but haven’t.  I gave it to her too because there was some things in there about breast cancer.  She said we can do the book today if I want.  I asked her if she looked at it.  She said she skimmed through it but it was a long time ago.  She thought a year.  I looked at the date – May 1, 2009.    She asked me what I wanted to do today.  I told her I wanted her to tell me what she told me yesterday was just a dream.  She didn’t understand the first time but then did.  No, it’s not a dream.  I told her I needed to talk about it but I didn’t think I could.  I couldn’t.    She gave me a card with lots of emotions and asked me what I’m feeling.  I said it looks like something she uses for kids.  She said she uses it for kids and adults.  I named all the negative ones.  She wrote probably the majority of them.  She commented all but happy.  Yeah, all the negative ones.  But I better talk about it because I’ll leave here and be more upset that I didn’t and then she’ll be gone for a week.  I told her I do have my journal from yesterday with me just in case.  But I don’t know if I can read it or even let her read it.  She thought it would be good if I do.  So I brought it out.    I told her really the last parts (5 or 6 paragraphs) are what I wanted to say.  The other part is just things that happened, that we talked about.  So I read, from yesterday’s entry, the last six paragraphs – minus the third to last one.  The first one I read was really hard.  It was hard to read without crying.  She was writing when I was reading and after.  She did tell me it’s very good – it tells exactly how I’m feeling.    She continued writing and I stopped reading.  I didn’t go on to the next paragraph.   I stopped partly because it was hard to read more and I needed the break and partly because I was waiting for her to finish writing.  “Okay?” I asked when she was done writing and looked up.  She was ready for me to go on.  It was hard for me to read but I did.  When I said northern I pointed out I can’t say where.  She understood.  Just like she is ‘she’ or ‘her’.  Again, she understood that.  Then I was able to read all the rest of the way through.  I was kind of quiet but quick, not wanting to cry.  When I was done I was very relieved it was over.  It was hard to get through.    After hearing it she immediately said she responded in that way without a definite answer because she has to check into it.  She has to read the books about guidelines and look into it.  I had to make sure we were talking about the same thing because she didn’t come out and say it.  It was about contact after when she moves.  We didn’t talk a whole lot about my feelings or all what I said (see my last entry Feb 8, 2010 – the last 6 paragraphs minus the 3rd to last one).  I’m surprised because there are real deep down feelings and I said a lot.  She mostly told me about what’s happening.    She said her husband is looking here and not elsewhere yet.  I know how hard it is.  I’d say my husband’s company (they are both in the same field) but they aren’t doing any hiring.  She nodded like she knew.  We talked about what a good company it is and they don’t over hire and then lay off.  Her husband felt like they used him until they didn’t need him anymore.  He was there 5 years.  I told her about my husband’s experiences.  It was a shock to her husband.  They just came in and told him and he had to go home.  That happened to my son.  He only gets 3 weeks of severance.    She said she and her partner just signed a 3 year lease Nov 1st so she’ll be here 3 years.  I asked if it happened to her husband after that.  Yes, just after on Nov 11th.  He says it’s 9-11 backwards.  She said she’s not moving yet and she even thought about the last year, if she moves before that, to commute back and forth.  Maybe see clients twice a month.  I smiled, kind of laughing like I wasn’t sure about that.  She did too and said she doesn’t know, she’s never done this before.    But non-the-less we have 2 years.  And she pointed out I come twice a week, when others come just once a week, so it’s like 4 years.  I laughed but it’s still not the same.  She said like when I went to visit my son and when he was here how I grieved before we separated.  Yes, I did.  It kept popping in my head and wanting to cry and I did this all last night.  She said we can’t grieve about this way this early.  And who knows, maybe I’ll come in one day and tell her my husband wants to relocate the whole family to someplace warm.  And I can do that.  I smiled but doubt that will happen.    She said the way it works is she would find someone that would best fit my needs and it’ll all be OK.  I looked at her, without saying, that it wouldn’t be her.  She knew what I was saying I’m sure.  I told her again that I didn’t know it was going to be like this – so long.  I even remember asking her how long it takes thinking it wasn’t long – maybe the 3 free.  She said she remembers I came in on that through my husband’s company and she used some initials for some referral.  She has a few, not many, from that company.   Then she pointed out that we didn’t know about the past and my childhood until all that got unfolded.  It took a while.  And now we need to piece through it.  I said and it took a while for me to tell her about ‘you know’ – she knew without me having to say it and just shook her head (my problem).  She said yes, she wondered for a long time what was going on with me the last 15 minutes of the session – how I changed so much.  So she said that until all of that was out we’ve really only been working 1-2 years.  We even talked about when I first came in and she remembered it was about that old friend of mine.  Right.  Sometime, and I can’t remember exactly when, all of a sudden I needed to go to the bathroom.  I think it was after I got through the journal, we talked a little and we were about to jump on something else.  I don’t quite remember.  But I remember making a face like I needed to go.  She caught it and asked me, “Do you want to go to the bathroom?”  “I’m going to the bathroom,” I told her.  “What?” she didn’t understand.  I repeated it and I’m sure I had a helpless feeling look on my face, “I’m going to the bathroom.”  She understood and asked me, “Do you want your clothes?” as she stood up.  I stood up too and asked, “What do I do?”  She got into her drawer to get my bag.  I got up fast, too because I didn’t want to sit there and pee on her couch.    She quickly gave me my bag but I was concerned someone was out there.  I was standing there peeing probably bent forward with my legs crossed and hands on my thighs trying to cover.  “Is anyone out there?” I asked.  “I’ll check,” she told me and went to look coming back quickly.  “No”.  So I went but looked down and saw drip drops on her rug.  “I think I got your rug wet,” I told her leaving.  I also saw the wet going down my pants legs but kept going.  I went to the bathroom and changed.  It took a little longer because I got some on the floor and the rug a little.  The floor was easy to wipe up but the rug I couldn’t.  Luckily it was only a few drops and I hope it dried before anyone went in there.    I came back, slowly entered in the room and closed the door behind me.  I was embarrassed because my boots were wet.  I told her, I’m sure she glanced and as I sat down.  One was wetter than the other (mostly on the top – a big circle) and I tried to keep that behind the other one to hide it.  She didn’t look while I was sitting thank goodness.  I was embarrassed enough as it was.  It actually dried OK by the time I left but I didn’t want to call attention to it anymore.  The top part of my boots were wet and my socks a little but I just had to deal with it and I didn’t say a word about it.    After I told her about my boots she asked me if I’m seeing the massage therapist after.  Yes, her or the other one.  But I looked down, asking, “Did I get it on your rug?”  “A little,” she told me.  I saw.  I asked her about cleaning it up but she didn’t seem very anxious and said maybe we’ll end a few minutes early and she or we’ll do it, she has something for that.  I also told her I don’t know if I got any along the way.  I didn’t look.  She said she’ll check later and gave me a look like it’ll be OK.  I felt funny.  About the drip drops and about her doing it – I can clean it up.  But I just let it go and tried to ignore it.  I told her I was sorry.  “It’s good.  It’s all good,” she told me.  I do also remember saying, “Oh, my God” a couple times in disbelief and embarrassment of what just happened after I got back.  Just before that she told me empathetically it wasn’t a good day for me.  No.  “What do you think happened?” she asked me.  I shrugged and then told her I didn’t know.  But I was trying not to cry and I guess it just happened.  She laughed, tried to make me feel better about it, that it just had to come out of my body somehow.  If it wasn’t in tears it was that.  I laughed with her.  I’m glad she made a joke about it and wasn’t mad.  She didn’t seem mad and boy was I glad.  I rhyme!    She made no big deal about it which was great.  But one time later when she was talking I completely lost it.  I started getting into that shame and ‘oh my gosh what I just did’ mode.  When I say I lost it I mean lost what she was saying – I have no idea because I began to switch with my mind wondering.  I told her I had no idea of what she was saying.  She apologized and I told her no, it’s not her – it was me.  I should have explained but I didn’t want to go into it.  Then it passed and didn’t come back.  Yeah!  So I was ready to talk about something else and we did.  I can’t remember exactly what it was.  Maybe I went back to how I’ve never been like this in my life.  I’ve never been lonely or feeling anything like this.  I keep thinking it’s a stage I’m going through and I’ll be done with it soon.  She said it is a stage and asked me why I think.  Because my best friend (remember, the letters were only in the beginning) is no longer here.  We’d call and talk about everything.  She came to all my kids birthday parties and all our holidays.    I told her how so many people have died.  She said look at my grandson and how many people he’ll be dealing with dying.  I said mine I was so young (in my 30’s and 40’s) and there were so many in a row, so many close people.  She nodded.  I said about my Grandma I was close to.  I was born on her birthday, the youngest of many, many grandkids and I could do no wrong in her eyes.  She was from the old country and even had an accent.  Then my Dad, my Mom, a bunch of friends and such.  She said some are closer to me than others.  Yes.  She asked me if I have pictures out of my Grandmother.  No but I have them.  Things that belonged to her?  Yes – a few.  She said maybe we should start with her and bring some things in.    I told her I never got to grieve for all these people because I was always taking care of my Mom and not feeling it myself.  And she made it seem to be such a horrible thing, my therapist commented.  Yes.  And she commented that she made me fearful of others dying.  Yes.  So I never got to feel anything myself.  I just kept stuffing it and putting a lid on it – like I might explode.  And with my Mom there’s a lot of guilt.  I miss her but she was a hard pill to swallow.  She said we should start with this next week.  She also commented about going through it (the feelings and such) and it feels freeing.  I said the exposures we do are like that.    I looked at the clock and we had a little time left.  I asked her to do something for me.  Because she’s leaving and I’m feeling insecure now (not sure if I used that word), if I feel like I need to talk, I asked her if she can write something down for me and leave me a message on my cell phone to listen to like we’ve done before.  Sure.  She said she’ll write something now and grabbed a small tablet to write on.  The first few things (3 1/2) I told her what to say.  We were both (really me) were at a loss for words.  I commented we haven’t done this in a while.  She agreed.  Here’s what she wrote:  Dear My Name, It’s going to be OK.  Things will work out.  Keep positive.  Find things to do and reach out to others.  Work on a poster about yourself and bring it in to share.  Count your blessings and do something different to surprise your family and tell me what it is.  Do laughter yoga even if its by yourself. Take Care, Her Name  While she was writing this she asked me if she should give me homework.  Sure.  That’s when she said about cutting out pictures that reflect me from magazines and make a poster.  Take 20 minutes to do it.  Then she said about doing something to surprise my family.  I told her about the goodie bags I make for them for Valentine’s Day.  She thought that was great.  I said it’s not a surprise.  They expect it – I do it every year.  I've been waiting to do them while she's gone.  She said I’ll have to think of something else.  And the laughter yoga I said it’s hard to do by yourself because it’s the other people that often make you laugh.  She asked me for my phone number for the message she’ll do now.  She wrote it down.  I asked her about the insurance.  If she’s heard back or not.  No and she’s surprised she hasn’t.  I told her the person I talked to said no problem with 2 a week as long as they are not in the same day which is opposite of what they once told me.  She said she finds it depends on who you talk to.  Yes.  I asked her if they are reviewing my therapy in general or just the twice a week.  Just the twice a week.  I asked her if they say no do we just go back to the private pay I was doing before.  Yes.  She said we will work it out, reassuring me.    I’m so glad because I didn’t say but I really have this fear of her leaving.  I guess because that’s happened so much to me in the past and I hope I can work through all this when she does leave.  I do.  But now I can’t do it – I can’t even think about it because it makes me upset.  Look – she’s gone a week and I feel badly.  I guess I’m afraid I’ll need her and she won’t be here.  But I guess in emergency I can call her.  And the fact that I need someone to talk to twice a week.  Even more would be great but I can’t even though that would be very nice.  I need to expand myself – I know.  But in her I feel like I’ve found someone who listens to me and helps me and I can’t loose that.  No one else does.  I wish so badly I wasn’t like this.  I never was in the past and wonder what happened to me.  I don’t like it.    I knew we were winding up and I looked down.  Those drip drops were bothering me.  I asked what about it, about cleaning it up.  She said she’ll clean it up.  I told her I would.  She said no, she has something.  I think she wanted to do that message and clean it up before her next client came.  She told me earlier about ending a little early to do that.  I left and she told me to drive safely.  She just looked outside a little before and said how it’s snowing again and the sun was just out not long ago.  I told her to have fun where she’s going.  I had asked her earlier if her husband is going.  No.  Just her?  She’s going where her brother is and her sister and some cousins are going, too.  I went into the massage therapist and it was the other one.  I wasn’t sure which one I was getting today.  I’m glad because I lay down and her massages are really good.  I took off my hoodie and my boots.  When she massaged my feet and legs a little I didn’t think earlier – my socks were wet.  I hoped so much they had dried by then.  She didn’t say anything.  After I checked and they were just damp.  You know how sometimes when you wear boots or shoes and you take them off they are a little damp.  But mine wasn’t the same thing.  I knew that but she didn’t which was really good.  I wouldn’t have wanted to explain that one.    So when I got in there my phone rang.  I told her I wasn’t going to answer it.  My therapist earlier said she was going to call right away and not to answer.  Here’s the message she left me:  Hi My Name (first only), it’s Her Name (first and last).  Hope you’re doing well and I hope you’re finding plenty of things to keep yourself busy and engaged in something interesting or fun.  Remember that if you do have some hard feelings pull out your journal or get on your blog and let yourself just – let your words flow and just give yourself permission to do that.  And, if you feel like you, you know, start going into a place you don’t want to be – like emotionally – get yourself moving.  Maybe turn on some music, get yourself dancing, do some laughter yoga, call a friend.  But hopefully the time will go pretty quickly and you’ll enjoy Valentine’s Day with your family and you’ve gotta really got a lot to look forward to.  So I will see you next Tuesday and you take good care.  Bye now.  Very nice for her to do these things.  Maybe I’ll (and her family) will be lucky and her husband will get a fantastic job here in town and they won’t move at all - never.  I can hope and pray.  And for her good health, too.