Besties/sister status falling out
So I tell my bestie at the time that her iMac sucks. I didn't even acknowledge it, because with autism sometimes we don't pay attention to shit people say, well asperger's. I didn't mean for it to get personal after that. Got past my breaking point when it got personal. I told her "go suck a dick oh wait, you don't like dicks". And she called me a man even though in the past she said she saw me like a sister and as a woman. She even told me I looked more like a girl than a mutual ts friend from YouTube. We will call this person Sally, because I told her mom (I'll explain later in this journal) that I'd keep her name off of YouTube, and for the sake of this journal I will keep her name off of here.
About the looking more like a woman, when she later messaged me she said that the man looking ts looked more like a girl than me. I never once thought our ts YouTube friend looked like a man, maybe trying too hard on the voice, but Sally said even faked a girl voice.
This whole argument got heated cause I got tired of her jokingly saying I am a special kind of retard. She has classic autism and knows what it's like. So she crossed a major line. I have Asperger's, which even though I may seem coherent and put a lot of thought into my words, that is not what autism and asperger's is. Asperger's specifically is a social disability. Lemme take some time to enlighten the people out of the look on Asperger's who think they have an idea of what it is.
I cannot read people's expressions. This is socially limiting because I do NOT know their intentions unless they make it verbally known, or I see it through actions over time. I cannot process being told to do something when I am already doing something. I get social anxiety on the phone, with people I don't know both online and in person. But once I get to see your personality I will talk your head off. Of course in chatrooms with people's personalities I do not have a problem conversing in text or on FB in a group message or in a group thread. However if I were to converse in a call I might have some social anxiety, but not too bad since I know somewhat about them. If I have nothing to say to someone I don't even acknowledge their presence when they are around, no hello, nothing. It's not meant to be rude, it's just how my mind works. If I have nothing to say, I don't even say hello. Again not meant to be rude, though that's how it's perceived. I have also been told by someone well versed in the Asperger's people, that I have the eyes of someone with AS. I have (I forget what someone said the medical term is) a blank look in my eyes. My eyes have no sense of emotion when my face is normal. This makes it bad for being a cashier at a gas station, store or fast food place. I couldn't be a waitress neither because I also have issues with locking eye contact. Asperger's individuals also have a high interest in interests of their nature. I sturggled in Algebra 1 in high school, mainly towards the end with radicals and whatever else was involved. I had no interest in it, therefore I'd forget what I learned. And pulled in a C for the marking term (6 weeks). I have an interest in video games. I have an interest in video recording/editing, and have recording software for both PC and console. I have Sony Vegas Movie Studio Platinum Suite 11. I have figured out how to do the things I wanna do in Sony Vegas through YouTube tutorials. Again high interest in video editing. Simple edits, nothing too fancy unless you count splitting and doing a reverse to action replay affect. But that's as fancy as I get. I have learned how to edit out huge chunks of a video. But that will be for a later journal for those interested. But going back on topic of Asperger's. I also only focus on one thing at a time, that's how my brain has always functioned. So if I wanna listen to music while talking to people or doing homework that's what I wanna do, so I will play music and listen in on the words while having a conversation or doing homework. That's about the only time I can multitask, is if my brain know that that's what I wanna do. This is also bad in the work force. I will explain why. If I am irritated, pissy or anxious, my brain will hone in on it and not think about anything else, and my tone will show it.
To give an example of my brain focusing in on one thing:
As a teen I had high levels of anxiety. My parents would say something to turn anxiety into anger. I would hone in on anger. I'd yell. They'd see I was mad but wouldn't do anything to help it. It escalated to the point I saw I would get WAY worse, and would go to my room. I'd come out and they'd start it again and I'd get further angry cause I cooled off for nothing, but of course my brain focused on the previous convo so I had to get my point out, and they would say something that triggered anger, and I would go from getting my point out to a complete break down. I quit high school when I was 16 with their signature. I am a MtF transsexual who grew up in a bible belt. I am now postop but that's beside the point. I got harassed by classmates and faculty. Some random guy grabbed my ass and ran, got sang dude looks like a lady, got told to kill myself in an anonymous note, and my principal had the balls to mentally harass me during the last period of the day, which was American history and we were watching a video in reference to the era we were learning. I was interested in this movie and was rudely pulled out to be harassed. God does that asshole know when to ruin my moment. Luckily thanks to the ACLU he is no longer principal, but over something to do with religion, which had nothing to do with my case because it happened after I had my parents remove me from that school. So I was in a spell with my parents because I was angry at the school and everyone in the town we lived in. I knew my parents loved me but honed in on anger. I got so enraged that I my yells started sounding demonic. I could hear it but could not stop. I literally had the worst mental break down of my life because my brain focuses on one thing at a time. Most people when they yell with a break down do NOT sound demonic. I did. That's how bad my brained honed in on anger. Had I been a Saiyan from Dragon Ball Z I would have went Super Saiyan for the first time that very day. But Saiyans don't exist, so that's irrelevant. My parents called the psyche ward for teens in the city closest to us to have me admitted. They then called a policeman to take me there, because they didn't know if I'd turn violent should they take me. I don't blame them, when your child sounds demonic, you never know if they may throw a punch filled with pure adrenaline or pick up a knife and kill you. Best option for them, and if I had a kid I'd do the same thing. THAT is how bad I focus on stuff as an Aspie.
Going back to my falling out after explaining Asperger's. I focused in on my "sister bestie" calling me (jokingly) a special kind of retard, She crossed a line considering she has classic autism and knows what it's like. I could not stop thinking about that in the bask of my mind when we had our argument. When she started talking shit my thoughts of that turned to her talking shit and the thoughts mixed. I went past my breaking point. I did not get as hostile as I did the time I sounded savage/demonic. But I did get personal.
Sally told me she got raped or sexually assaulted as she said, but she did say she got raped once, which she denied to me when she unblocked me to talk shit, which I will cover later. I did not get vindictive with what I am about to say and bring up rape. I told her "go suck a dick, oh wait you don't like dicks", followed by her calling me a man. I told her (this gets personal with her bs) I'd rather be a man than not being able to handle social anxiety at McDonald's. Now what this means was she went to a special school, cause nobody knew how to treat her autism, and they went out for lunch to McDonald's and she started getting I don't know how to explain and her teacher had to take her home. Now the only time I get like that is if I am doing to inner harbor in Baltimore for Independence Day fireworks. And I have. That's why we don't go anymore, because my mom and dad (mother and father figures I have met since leaving my bible belt) know how I'd get and don't wanna put me in that situation, and for that I thank them.
Okay so after I said I'd rather be a man than blah blah blah, I ended the skype call and blocked her after she said I'd never be a woman. Which may I add fucking hurt that she took back everything she said she saw me as all cause I was a bigger asshole than her.
Fast foward. I record a video with my friend "Boggles" we will call him. I mention her, and she thinks I am talking shit, when I simply mentioned how Sally's YouTube name is goofy and how I came up with something more original. For those wondering my custom URL is PWLGForsakenQueen because the PWLG is the initials for my FB page I admin. My display name is [PWLG] Sukiakuki wgucg us my main toon I play on WoW cause I made it to play with Sally, got more along with it than I did my other account which is no longer in use, titles, mounts, achievements, etc. But she got asshurt about that video and unblocked me on Facebook and thought it'd be a dandy idea to talk shit.
Now she CROSSED a MAJOR line. She told me my biological mom gave me up because she didn't wanna deal with me and that she should have aborted me. Then said the mom who raised me was ashamed of me. Now my deceased mom, RIP, died trying to get me on hormones, and said she'd be at my bed if I got a sex change. Well while I was not waking up after having tachycardia, lowering it then going too low and being rushed to the ER, and my mom and dad rushing to the ER after they got the news, and crying and shit and going back and forth between my bed and the waiting room, my mom made an appearance to my father figure. Now the nickname I am about to say he told me what she said and I had NEVER told him her nickname for me as a kid. She said "take care of scamp. Now without me telling him how the hell did he tell me that name? Something supernatural is in the works, and I believe that mu mom was there for me from the afterlife.
I never once in our falling out before she randomly messaged me said her mom doesn't love her or that she should be aborted. But I did in anger at that point because I was so hurt by those words said her mom should have swallowed her asshole dad's cum every time they had sex. Now she told me her twin sister got in touch with their dad, she met him and he's an ass. So I did get personal with calling her dad an asshole. AGAIN I have to be the bigger asshole. Because I am an extremist, which is another trait of Aspies. She told me "has someone skull fucked my mom's corpse it would be interesting to watch". Which crossed another MAJOR line. So I went further. I said when her mom died, I'd stick a cactus in her mom's anus and vagina. AGAIN bigger asshole. And I went even further than that. I said I'd film it and put it on RedTube for the necrophiliacs.
I eventually got tired of her and blocked her myself. But she did say "what have you achieved other than trolling people online", which may I add I only do if they are dicks, or in a funny way if I like you. I told her I held down a job for a month, has she held one down? no. No she hasn't because she mooches off the government, but only because her anxiety won't let her do anything like that, so it really isn't mooching. I also told her I played volleyball and did well in it. Which may I add I didn't say this, but I also did a serve that won my team a match in the game, which was THE only game we won.
She told me no one likes me. I told her everyone that is around me likes me. And about the moms, I told her my bio mom loves me and has told me so, my mom who died loves me and I have 2 mother figures who love me, that she only has 1 mom, just to be a dick. She called me a liar on everything I said just to have a comeback, even though she knows I did play volleyball, and showed her a volleyball I got for Christmas one year, because I was interested in volleyball. She called me a liar on my sex change and hormones. Which to have a sex change you have to do at least one year on hormones. So what did I do? turned my webcam software on and snapped a pic of my crotch from the front and sent it to her, and am like "lookie (insert photo) sex change you dumb cunt"
She told her mom about the whole ordeal, before I sent the photo so her mom knew nothing of her when I mentioned it. Obviously my words did hurt her even though she played it off like they didn't.
I got truthful with her. I told her that even though I had tachycardia because my anxiety meds and anesthesia being mixed would do it and that I am high risk for diabetes cause it's hereditary in my family, that at gher weight (may I add she is REALLY overweight, that she was at higher risk than me for heart problems and diabetes. I was not talking shit with that, I was telling her the god honest truth. I wouldn't have said it though had she not talked shit, because people with weight issues are sensitive about it.
She even said our TS friend I mentioned earlier, about saying she looked like a man, she changed her saying I look more like a girl than her, to saying that she looks more like a girl than me. Because I don't dress like a girl. Well no shit I identify and live as a girl and dress tomboyish which a LOT of girls who aren't girly do, even the straight girls.
When I said I was pansexual, she said I'd be with anyone with legs. So basically I am a slut? No. I may be attracted to people (personalities win me over if mixed with the right look I go for) but when I am seeing someone I am dedicated to that person. I don't go fucking other people. I mean if I am dating a guy and he would let me have sex with a girl, I would, but NO emotions would be involved, and that would be told to him AND the girl up front. She would know I have a BF and he is letting me fulfill another part of my sexuality. If it's with a girl and she let me have sex with a guy, same thing. The person I am having emotionless sex with would know that I am not investing emotions for a relationship, that if they ever wanted to do it again that they are welcome to, and I would say that to them in front of my partner so they knew. But only if I enjoyed the sex with them. This again is if my partner is open to letting me fulfill every part of my sexuality. If not I am monogamous.
When her mom messaged me she said she is forwarding the convo to the US police (they live in Wales). I talked her through it and explained everything and said I am sorry about everything that happened. (and I meant every word I said). She told me she wasn't going to take action but in the future do NOT mention Sally on YouTube. I promised her I wouldn't.
Now aspies are loyal til you piss us off, but one part of being loyal is we keep our promises. That is why I am calling her Sally and not by her actual name on here.
But I had to let someone know about something that truly hurt me. So for those who read this very lengthy journal, I thank you for your support.
About the looking more like a woman, when she later messaged me she said that the man looking ts looked more like a girl than me. I never once thought our ts YouTube friend looked like a man, maybe trying too hard on the voice, but Sally said even faked a girl voice.
This whole argument got heated cause I got tired of her jokingly saying I am a special kind of retard. She has classic autism and knows what it's like. So she crossed a major line. I have Asperger's, which even though I may seem coherent and put a lot of thought into my words, that is not what autism and asperger's is. Asperger's specifically is a social disability. Lemme take some time to enlighten the people out of the look on Asperger's who think they have an idea of what it is.
I cannot read people's expressions. This is socially limiting because I do NOT know their intentions unless they make it verbally known, or I see it through actions over time. I cannot process being told to do something when I am already doing something. I get social anxiety on the phone, with people I don't know both online and in person. But once I get to see your personality I will talk your head off. Of course in chatrooms with people's personalities I do not have a problem conversing in text or on FB in a group message or in a group thread. However if I were to converse in a call I might have some social anxiety, but not too bad since I know somewhat about them. If I have nothing to say to someone I don't even acknowledge their presence when they are around, no hello, nothing. It's not meant to be rude, it's just how my mind works. If I have nothing to say, I don't even say hello. Again not meant to be rude, though that's how it's perceived. I have also been told by someone well versed in the Asperger's people, that I have the eyes of someone with AS. I have (I forget what someone said the medical term is) a blank look in my eyes. My eyes have no sense of emotion when my face is normal. This makes it bad for being a cashier at a gas station, store or fast food place. I couldn't be a waitress neither because I also have issues with locking eye contact. Asperger's individuals also have a high interest in interests of their nature. I sturggled in Algebra 1 in high school, mainly towards the end with radicals and whatever else was involved. I had no interest in it, therefore I'd forget what I learned. And pulled in a C for the marking term (6 weeks). I have an interest in video games. I have an interest in video recording/editing, and have recording software for both PC and console. I have Sony Vegas Movie Studio Platinum Suite 11. I have figured out how to do the things I wanna do in Sony Vegas through YouTube tutorials. Again high interest in video editing. Simple edits, nothing too fancy unless you count splitting and doing a reverse to action replay affect. But that's as fancy as I get. I have learned how to edit out huge chunks of a video. But that will be for a later journal for those interested. But going back on topic of Asperger's. I also only focus on one thing at a time, that's how my brain has always functioned. So if I wanna listen to music while talking to people or doing homework that's what I wanna do, so I will play music and listen in on the words while having a conversation or doing homework. That's about the only time I can multitask, is if my brain know that that's what I wanna do. This is also bad in the work force. I will explain why. If I am irritated, pissy or anxious, my brain will hone in on it and not think about anything else, and my tone will show it.
To give an example of my brain focusing in on one thing:
As a teen I had high levels of anxiety. My parents would say something to turn anxiety into anger. I would hone in on anger. I'd yell. They'd see I was mad but wouldn't do anything to help it. It escalated to the point I saw I would get WAY worse, and would go to my room. I'd come out and they'd start it again and I'd get further angry cause I cooled off for nothing, but of course my brain focused on the previous convo so I had to get my point out, and they would say something that triggered anger, and I would go from getting my point out to a complete break down. I quit high school when I was 16 with their signature. I am a MtF transsexual who grew up in a bible belt. I am now postop but that's beside the point. I got harassed by classmates and faculty. Some random guy grabbed my ass and ran, got sang dude looks like a lady, got told to kill myself in an anonymous note, and my principal had the balls to mentally harass me during the last period of the day, which was American history and we were watching a video in reference to the era we were learning. I was interested in this movie and was rudely pulled out to be harassed. God does that asshole know when to ruin my moment. Luckily thanks to the ACLU he is no longer principal, but over something to do with religion, which had nothing to do with my case because it happened after I had my parents remove me from that school. So I was in a spell with my parents because I was angry at the school and everyone in the town we lived in. I knew my parents loved me but honed in on anger. I got so enraged that I my yells started sounding demonic. I could hear it but could not stop. I literally had the worst mental break down of my life because my brain focuses on one thing at a time. Most people when they yell with a break down do NOT sound demonic. I did. That's how bad my brained honed in on anger. Had I been a Saiyan from Dragon Ball Z I would have went Super Saiyan for the first time that very day. But Saiyans don't exist, so that's irrelevant. My parents called the psyche ward for teens in the city closest to us to have me admitted. They then called a policeman to take me there, because they didn't know if I'd turn violent should they take me. I don't blame them, when your child sounds demonic, you never know if they may throw a punch filled with pure adrenaline or pick up a knife and kill you. Best option for them, and if I had a kid I'd do the same thing. THAT is how bad I focus on stuff as an Aspie.
Going back to my falling out after explaining Asperger's. I focused in on my "sister bestie" calling me (jokingly) a special kind of retard, She crossed a line considering she has classic autism and knows what it's like. I could not stop thinking about that in the bask of my mind when we had our argument. When she started talking shit my thoughts of that turned to her talking shit and the thoughts mixed. I went past my breaking point. I did not get as hostile as I did the time I sounded savage/demonic. But I did get personal.
Sally told me she got raped or sexually assaulted as she said, but she did say she got raped once, which she denied to me when she unblocked me to talk shit, which I will cover later. I did not get vindictive with what I am about to say and bring up rape. I told her "go suck a dick, oh wait you don't like dicks", followed by her calling me a man. I told her (this gets personal with her bs) I'd rather be a man than not being able to handle social anxiety at McDonald's. Now what this means was she went to a special school, cause nobody knew how to treat her autism, and they went out for lunch to McDonald's and she started getting I don't know how to explain and her teacher had to take her home. Now the only time I get like that is if I am doing to inner harbor in Baltimore for Independence Day fireworks. And I have. That's why we don't go anymore, because my mom and dad (mother and father figures I have met since leaving my bible belt) know how I'd get and don't wanna put me in that situation, and for that I thank them.
Okay so after I said I'd rather be a man than blah blah blah, I ended the skype call and blocked her after she said I'd never be a woman. Which may I add fucking hurt that she took back everything she said she saw me as all cause I was a bigger asshole than her.
Fast foward. I record a video with my friend "Boggles" we will call him. I mention her, and she thinks I am talking shit, when I simply mentioned how Sally's YouTube name is goofy and how I came up with something more original. For those wondering my custom URL is PWLGForsakenQueen because the PWLG is the initials for my FB page I admin. My display name is [PWLG] Sukiakuki wgucg us my main toon I play on WoW cause I made it to play with Sally, got more along with it than I did my other account which is no longer in use, titles, mounts, achievements, etc. But she got asshurt about that video and unblocked me on Facebook and thought it'd be a dandy idea to talk shit.
Now she CROSSED a MAJOR line. She told me my biological mom gave me up because she didn't wanna deal with me and that she should have aborted me. Then said the mom who raised me was ashamed of me. Now my deceased mom, RIP, died trying to get me on hormones, and said she'd be at my bed if I got a sex change. Well while I was not waking up after having tachycardia, lowering it then going too low and being rushed to the ER, and my mom and dad rushing to the ER after they got the news, and crying and shit and going back and forth between my bed and the waiting room, my mom made an appearance to my father figure. Now the nickname I am about to say he told me what she said and I had NEVER told him her nickname for me as a kid. She said "take care of scamp. Now without me telling him how the hell did he tell me that name? Something supernatural is in the works, and I believe that mu mom was there for me from the afterlife.
I never once in our falling out before she randomly messaged me said her mom doesn't love her or that she should be aborted. But I did in anger at that point because I was so hurt by those words said her mom should have swallowed her asshole dad's cum every time they had sex. Now she told me her twin sister got in touch with their dad, she met him and he's an ass. So I did get personal with calling her dad an asshole. AGAIN I have to be the bigger asshole. Because I am an extremist, which is another trait of Aspies. She told me "has someone skull fucked my mom's corpse it would be interesting to watch". Which crossed another MAJOR line. So I went further. I said when her mom died, I'd stick a cactus in her mom's anus and vagina. AGAIN bigger asshole. And I went even further than that. I said I'd film it and put it on RedTube for the necrophiliacs.
I eventually got tired of her and blocked her myself. But she did say "what have you achieved other than trolling people online", which may I add I only do if they are dicks, or in a funny way if I like you. I told her I held down a job for a month, has she held one down? no. No she hasn't because she mooches off the government, but only because her anxiety won't let her do anything like that, so it really isn't mooching. I also told her I played volleyball and did well in it. Which may I add I didn't say this, but I also did a serve that won my team a match in the game, which was THE only game we won.
She told me no one likes me. I told her everyone that is around me likes me. And about the moms, I told her my bio mom loves me and has told me so, my mom who died loves me and I have 2 mother figures who love me, that she only has 1 mom, just to be a dick. She called me a liar on everything I said just to have a comeback, even though she knows I did play volleyball, and showed her a volleyball I got for Christmas one year, because I was interested in volleyball. She called me a liar on my sex change and hormones. Which to have a sex change you have to do at least one year on hormones. So what did I do? turned my webcam software on and snapped a pic of my crotch from the front and sent it to her, and am like "lookie (insert photo) sex change you dumb cunt"
She told her mom about the whole ordeal, before I sent the photo so her mom knew nothing of her when I mentioned it. Obviously my words did hurt her even though she played it off like they didn't.
I got truthful with her. I told her that even though I had tachycardia because my anxiety meds and anesthesia being mixed would do it and that I am high risk for diabetes cause it's hereditary in my family, that at gher weight (may I add she is REALLY overweight, that she was at higher risk than me for heart problems and diabetes. I was not talking shit with that, I was telling her the god honest truth. I wouldn't have said it though had she not talked shit, because people with weight issues are sensitive about it.
She even said our TS friend I mentioned earlier, about saying she looked like a man, she changed her saying I look more like a girl than her, to saying that she looks more like a girl than me. Because I don't dress like a girl. Well no shit I identify and live as a girl and dress tomboyish which a LOT of girls who aren't girly do, even the straight girls.
When I said I was pansexual, she said I'd be with anyone with legs. So basically I am a slut? No. I may be attracted to people (personalities win me over if mixed with the right look I go for) but when I am seeing someone I am dedicated to that person. I don't go fucking other people. I mean if I am dating a guy and he would let me have sex with a girl, I would, but NO emotions would be involved, and that would be told to him AND the girl up front. She would know I have a BF and he is letting me fulfill another part of my sexuality. If it's with a girl and she let me have sex with a guy, same thing. The person I am having emotionless sex with would know that I am not investing emotions for a relationship, that if they ever wanted to do it again that they are welcome to, and I would say that to them in front of my partner so they knew. But only if I enjoyed the sex with them. This again is if my partner is open to letting me fulfill every part of my sexuality. If not I am monogamous.
When her mom messaged me she said she is forwarding the convo to the US police (they live in Wales). I talked her through it and explained everything and said I am sorry about everything that happened. (and I meant every word I said). She told me she wasn't going to take action but in the future do NOT mention Sally on YouTube. I promised her I wouldn't.
Now aspies are loyal til you piss us off, but one part of being loyal is we keep our promises. That is why I am calling her Sally and not by her actual name on here.
But I had to let someone know about something that truly hurt me. So for those who read this very lengthy journal, I thank you for your support.
Replies