Best Friend Letters And We Only Got To One

Today was the day we were going to spend on reading my best friend, who died, her letters to me from long ago.  I brought in the whole bagful and I only got to read one – a very long one I called a book.  She said she called yesterday, a little ahead of the game, to my insurance to get it renewed.  The person who does my husband’s company was out for the day but someone else who does this talked to her.  They questioned the twice a week visits.  We don’t know why because we have unlimited.  And, like she said, they get paid regardless through that HSA account.  She said not to worry about it.  We’ll cross that bridge if we need to.  Maybe we need to talk to them, too.  I asked her if she told them something good.  Yes.  What we are working on and things stemming from when I was sick and in the hospital from long ago.    Before we got to the letters I told her I wanted to talk about 2 things.  The first was I talked to all my kids yesterday and I really like when that happens.  She nodded.  I saw my middle son and he came over, we looked at the Annex and talked.  But I’ll talk about that another time.  My daughter called me with her problems with her boyfriend.  He can be so immature.  He called my grandson a dipshit.  She’s into herself and didn’t ask about my middle son (her brother) until the end.  She was with me when he called the other night.  I didn’t want to start talking about it.  My therapist said right away, “The Annex is taken!”  Yes and she’s sort of a jealous type anyway.  After we moved in she had the Annex for 2 years, refused to give it up and my middle son ended up moving in with her.  But if anything happens between her and her boyfriend she talked about getting her own apt but we’d have to see if that would happen.  She has lived with us in our house before.  But it’s like the insurance – we’ll cross that bridge if it happens.    And my youngest son called to get the weather forecast in the park near him.  He’s camping out and then going north today for a couple days, then back with friends and in the park.  The first Mom question from me is about animals in the park.  He said coyotes but they don’t bother people in the campsites.  My husband and son said there are dangerous mountain lions.  Plus there is no cell phone service in the park.  She said yes.  I asked her how her son is.  She said it’s his birthday today – 25.  He’s going to Panama.  They only communicate by email – he doesn’t have a cell phone.    The other thing I wanted to talk about was about what happened at Laughter Yoga.  And I know it bothered me because I had one of those bad dreams.  She asked me if it was when I was laying down.  I said yes but really the whole time because it happened so much.  Am I getting worse?  Did I use the pad as a crutch?  Is this going to keep happening?  I told her that doesn’t happen to me.  Except for if I have to go to the bathroom.  Like a couple weeks ago and she made me laugh telling me to look for celebrities when we were downstairs hiding out.  She smiled.    She said she was thinking of that too.  She said she knows how hard I’ve been working at this.  Many women have this problem as they get older.  Obviously it’s not just an emotional or psychological thing and that it’s physical, too with me.  She said it would be a shame if there was some procedure that could correct this and then I’d be fine.  Yes it would.  But I’ve been to doctors and nothing has helped.  She said again about her client being a pharmaceutical rep for a female doctor at a hospital that does these things.  That I should look into that.  That maybe it’s time to go to the doctor again.  I told her I didn’t want any operations.  She said she didn’t think it was a crutch.  I also said how I have been working hard and am doing better at waiting longer and going more and I’d hate to think of this to be like this.  I told her about the dream and how easily it can be interpreted.  I was walking with friends and family in some kind of walk – like the Komen one or something – lots of people.  I kept going to the bathroom and they told me I’m wetting my pants, I’m going to the bathroom and to stop doing that.  I got into my denial and said I wasn’t doing that.  Then I ran away to an open area to be free.  She agreed with my interpretations of denial and wanting to run away and not have the problem.  Once later, she referred to this dream (when we were talking about my friend I’m thinking) but I can’t remember what the relation was.  Then I got the stack of letters out – one stack.  I told her once I read 4 and they each had stuff in them.  Then I chose one from 1980 (March 25 & 26) that I skimmed before I came today.  It’s really long, like a book.  I read it and told her my voice isn’t very good today.  First word for word pretty much and she commented it is like a book.  Then I tried to skip some and read important parts or just here and there.  I commented when I started that she talks a lot about my problem.  My therapist was exhausted just from sitting there hearing it.  I could tell she was even getting antsy, and some of it couldn’t believe what she was hearing.  It kept going on and on about the same things about how insecure and needy she was and such.  When I was done reading she asked me how I felt.  I said overwhelmed.  About mid though she asked me how old of a person it sounds like that wrote it.  We figured out we were pretty young – I was about 24.  I said it sounded like a 10 year old.  Then I changed it later to a 5 year old.  She said younger than that.  She sounded very needy and demanded a lot from me – adults don’t do this in relationships.  And she was so in tuned to every move I made and emotions.  Yes.  And, into my problem that even then (30 years ago) I wanted to hide and not talk about.  There were many parts that she talked about me not wanting to talk about it and that bothered her – she wanted me to talk.  There was a part in there about me going when laughing.  We laughed because we just talked about that.  Maybe it’s a little denial but really it doesn’t happen unless I have to go.  Maybe because I was laughing so hard at Laughter Yoga.  But I didn’t want to portray my friend as always being like this.  It was mostly just at the beginning years and maybe she grew out of it.  And she was good for me, too as being a companion and great with the kids.  I said before I started reading how this is long ago and we both have grown.  She asked me what she did.  She graduated college and worked with kids and then babysat them.  She did my youngest when I worked outside the house.  She commented that she had a good connection with little kids.  Yes.  That’s why her parents set up that fund at that children’s rehabilitation center my granddaughter was at for a while.   I was very uncomfortable with a lot of the things that she wanted me to do.  Like the hugging (really holding her so long) her and hand holding.  It still creeps me out.  But I did it to please her and make her happy.  She wanted to sleep over a lot.  She asked where we slept – in the same bed?  No, on the floor in the living room.  Like a slumber party she wanted to know?  Yes.  A lot she talked about was asking to sleep over, wanting me to ask her, call her (things haven’t changed much on that).   I told her about her Dad and moving the cheese and the tape for the presents I wrapped for her.  She commented that he was OCD.  I said my friend was a little, too.  Once she said how I wasn’t close to her in bed and covering my ears.  I said I’m the same way on my girl trips.  I stay at the edge in my own little spot.  She asked me how I dealt with the letters.  I think I didn’t read them very much and sort of let the whole thing go over my head – overlooked a lot.  And although she wanted me to write, I wrote very few.  Maybe we should read a few, or one, to see what I said.  Maybe.  I told her how I do my journal on line – that no one reads – and I do them after seeing her.  Yesterday was 99 and today will be 100.  I started February 20 so it’s almost a year.  She thought that was great and maybe people are reading them.  I said I didn’t think so because there are no comments – I want comments.  She said maybe they are afraid to.  I still doubt it.  She talked about her thumb sucking (don’t know if some of this was for attention or not) and how I didn’t want to hold her hand if it was still wet.  I mentioned to my therapist again that anything being wet is a trigger point for me.  She nodded.  Also she said something about her speech but I don’t remember anything wrong with her speech.  While I was reading I said it’s embarrassing for me.  I read about me shaking and her waking me up to go to the bathroom not to have an accident.  I told her I used to talk, too she said.  She knew I had accidents with her as well.  I had said earlier that some of this maybe it was not exactly right and just how this friend saw it.  I don’t remember some of it or what she’s telling me I did or said.  But we were there for each other and she was there for my three kids all growing up.    Then I said that maybe I miss her so much because she was into me (good and bad) and maybe because I don’t have anyone into me now that’s why.  But only in the good way.  She asked me if she was too much into me like my Mom was.  No – in a different way.  She was a friend.  But my therapist said they are connected and we trace similar behavior back to my Mom.  Once I said something (wish I could remember what) and she said, “Bingo!”  I hit something on the head that we need to explore and work on.  I asked her what do we do with the letters.  Look how long it did to read just one.  She said that we are on to something and we need to stick with that and maybe go back to more later.  Maybe with mine as well.  It has to do with people being too needy and me giving too much to others without getting it back.  She wants to do the light bar on Thursday.    I needed to go to the bathroom at the end of reading the letter.  She commented, “Look how long you went today,” and we both looked at the clock.  “Yeah!”  It was between 15 and 10 minutes till the hour.  She said I was so much into the letter.  She suggested I just go and I did.  I didn’t say but after reading that and getting in touch with all those old feelings I didn’t need anymore stresses today.  Not waiting at all one time won’t hurt me.    So we ended.  I went to the other massage therapist after for 10 minutes.  I glanced at the bathroom door right there on the way in.  She saw me and said she said she thinks someone was in there.  See … people notice things.  I didn’t say a word.  I didn’t have to go so it didn’t matter.  I guess I just looked just in case, habit – I don’t know.  How do I feel about this now?  As my therapist said it’s a very important piece of my life.  Both of what happened back then and how I deal with relationships now.  I don’t remember everything she said about what exactly we need to work on but I hope I remember correctly when we do it.  I also hope she doesn’t judge me that I’m like that now or I’m like my friend now.  She’s not a ‘judging’ type of person.   I also hope that something comes from working with this so I can continue to improve things with my life.  I hope I can understand it and that she can explain it so I can.  And that I can voice my own views and I know that’s never an issue.  I guess I’m just tired of what my situation is now and I want to improve it and make it different in a good way.  I’m trying so much and hope it works.  It’s hard though because I have to remember that things don’t always come to me.  It’s hard for me to seek out for fear of rejection.  I wish at least some would come to me.  And I hope everything works out OK with the insurance company and with her.  I have been, and want to continue to, working hard on these issues even if it takes 2 times a week.  That’s why they say unlimited!