Best friends
I have 3 best friends: my husband (DH), my little brother ("Kiddo"), and my sister-in-law ("LaLa"). Only 2 of them know about our IF journey, and the other... It's killing me that I can't confide in her. DH and I decided to only share with my brother and his fiancée for now. It was a mutual decision, but sometimes I feel the need to hear LaLa's voice on this. I also feel like telling her would help her realize that she isn't alone on a painful personal journey, and I don't say that with bitterness. In this moment, I say it with compassion. She's divorcing and it's been such a difficult time for her. I feel like there's a wall between us because I can't confide in her, and she's dealing with her problems, as one would when divorcing and dealing with other, more public, family problems. So when we have a conversation, she's a bit withdrawn lately because of her pain and stress, while she only hears my "look on the bright side" attitude I've been working on recently. It feels stilted. She doesn't know that I'm closer to menopause than most women my age. She doesn't know how much I cry about this IF diagnosis. She doesn't know that I understand what it feels like to have mangled life-dreams, just in a different way. She can remarry if she wants to... or not. I know it won't be the same, and it won't erase this pain. I may finally conceive, but it hasn't been without it's own share of pain, and if I don't, I may adopt ... or not. Neither scenario for either of us is what we'd planned when we were younger. I don't know what her journey is like, but I know more about it than she knows about mine. And that makes me sad, because we've always shared everything. And even though she's been understandably self-focused lately, so have I, and I know she knows something is up. I know she would want to help. To listen and hold my hand. I'm used to our conversations being a bit one-sided sometimes; I married her brother, so there are only so many relationship details I'll share, obviously. But this... this is different. It's confusing.
I love each of my best friends differently and equally.
DH is going through this with me; we're a team. Kiddo was my first best friend ever, practically my twin, so not telling him wasn't even an option I would consider. LaLa. LaLa is my soul-sister. DH doesn't want her to know. He's not ready to tell his sister, so I respect that. It's just an added facet to this struggle that I had to deal with while chatting with her tonight. It makes me sad.
Kiddo has been so great. He has a little boy who is an absolute dream, and he invites me over to get my baby fill. 'Includes me during bath and bedtime rituals. 'Gives me a chance to release some of these mothering instincts I can't use up on my own little one at the moment. I love him for that. He's quietly supportive. He doesn't say anything. He just hugs me when I've had a hard week. It's so much better than a lot of empty words from someone who doesn't know what this is like and yet still decides to talk as though they do. I wish I could express how much that means to me.
That leaves LaLa. I let it slip that I was going for tests a while back, so she keeps asking me how it's going, and I find myself being vague and avoiding the questions. My best friend. Yuck. It's a yucky feeling to not be able to share with someone who's been part of almost everything since you were little.
I read a fellow group member's journal today where she talked about not accepting this. IF. Not accepted. It was a great post. And, among other things, she made me think about how if we're to get real answers, we need to drop the stigmas and barriers that surround this terrible diagnosis. Or un-diagnosis... Really?! We need to talk about this in order to bring awareness to the issue. Lately, I'm feeling ready to spill the beans, but my husband isn't. I'm feeling ready to go back on Facebook and write a long, educational ... well, rant, maybe... but I respect my husband. He's been so supportive of my other needs in this situation that I'm willing to compromise on this one. That's what besties do, I think.
And now, I feel better for unloading.
Peace, Love, and Hope.
I love each of my best friends differently and equally.
DH is going through this with me; we're a team. Kiddo was my first best friend ever, practically my twin, so not telling him wasn't even an option I would consider. LaLa. LaLa is my soul-sister. DH doesn't want her to know. He's not ready to tell his sister, so I respect that. It's just an added facet to this struggle that I had to deal with while chatting with her tonight. It makes me sad.
Kiddo has been so great. He has a little boy who is an absolute dream, and he invites me over to get my baby fill. 'Includes me during bath and bedtime rituals. 'Gives me a chance to release some of these mothering instincts I can't use up on my own little one at the moment. I love him for that. He's quietly supportive. He doesn't say anything. He just hugs me when I've had a hard week. It's so much better than a lot of empty words from someone who doesn't know what this is like and yet still decides to talk as though they do. I wish I could express how much that means to me.
That leaves LaLa. I let it slip that I was going for tests a while back, so she keeps asking me how it's going, and I find myself being vague and avoiding the questions. My best friend. Yuck. It's a yucky feeling to not be able to share with someone who's been part of almost everything since you were little.
I read a fellow group member's journal today where she talked about not accepting this. IF. Not accepted. It was a great post. And, among other things, she made me think about how if we're to get real answers, we need to drop the stigmas and barriers that surround this terrible diagnosis. Or un-diagnosis... Really?! We need to talk about this in order to bring awareness to the issue. Lately, I'm feeling ready to spill the beans, but my husband isn't. I'm feeling ready to go back on Facebook and write a long, educational ... well, rant, maybe... but I respect my husband. He's been so supportive of my other needs in this situation that I'm willing to compromise on this one. That's what besties do, I think.
And now, I feel better for unloading.
Peace, Love, and Hope.
Replies
This brought me to tears. I\'m so glad you have such wonderful best friends who also happen to be family. Could you maybe give a general idea of what\'s going on since she already knows that you\'ve had tests done? Or is DH not comfortable with that.
That is incredibly hard. Thank you for posting this. For one reason... I\'m sort of in your husbands shoes and I now realize how selfish it is. I tell whoever I feel comfortable with telling, and get irritated when he talks about it with a friend of his. Your post made me realize that.
I think it is great that you want to open up. I\'ve been wanting to as well, and it\'s incredibly difficult. But, just reading this journal makes me feel like it may be worth it because my journal (I think that\'s what your referring to) has made you feel good. So worth it to help others!
Can you chat with your hubby and explain how you did in this journal? That you have 3 best friends, and that you feel horrible for keeping your struggles secret while she is opening up about hers? You can compromise to not share details, just yet, but let her in on the emotional side of things. I\'m sure opening up to her would be a great thing for her. She would feel less alone in her pain, and also be able to find purpose by helping you through it.
I hope that whatever happens that you feel happy in your decision and compromise with your hubby. Good luck!
Hi Ladies, thanks for the notes :-) We\'ve been talking this week about opening up more to people. DH is coming along, but he\'s not there yet. He has some family issues that make him hesitant to tell his sister (LaLa), and I respect that.
MRSstrong: I\'m glad my post was helpful, just as your journal entry was helpful to me.
\'Hope all is well with you both! I\'ve been away for a while, but am hoping to get back on here to catch up more later today.