Bereaved

I don't know how to start this but, here goes.  First, I lost my husband of 42 yrs, 14 years ago.  It was really hard going for the the first 8 yrs following his death.  I didn't want to live anymore, I wanted to bury myself and somehow I did. I buried my head in the sand so to speak.  I didn't want to deal with anything.  I finally dug myself out of that and began enjoying my life with my beloved family.   Well, I recently was in touch with the family of an old boyfriend.  In fact he was one of my loves, at the age of 15.  Or as much in love as you can be at 15.  None the less it was love in my eyes.  He had been very ill but, was recovering nicely.  I was hoping to reconnect with him again and maybe become friends.  Maybe a lunch/dinner date or movies.  Someone familiar to talk to and share my feelings with.  My hopes were high but, it was not to be.  He became very ill again and passed away on January 12, 2010.  I did get a chance to see him before he died but, not speak to him as he was in so much pain and very heavily sedated.  Its hard to explain and still very confusing to me, but I am greiving for him and for what I think could have been.  Maybe I'm crazy but, I just can't help it.  First, losing my husband and now I feel like I have lost him.  We did so many things together when we were young, mostly music and salsa dancing, and I can't help reliving those times.  Am I crazy for feeling this way???????  Can someone answer and help me or at the very least put this in perspective so I can carry on."Crazy in CA"