Beltane
Today is May 1 , Beltane, though I will be celebrating it on Saturday with a fire and maybe a small ritual of some kind, and some good food, I have tons of recipes, I keep mullingthings over in myh ead, I know that I will neverk now why he did what he did, and there are no answers for any of this that are going to completely rectify the situation , I know he feels guilty and remorse or atelast I hope he does, what I want him to understand is that I dont keep asking him questions or bringing it all up over nad over to be mean, or make him feel bad , or worse or if feels anything all, the jury is still out on that one, I want him to know what it feels like from my end, Is he going to leave, does feel like he should of ended it, is he leading me on because he doesent want to look like an ass or pay child support , or is staying out of guilt, does any one know what it like to have those feelings everyday waiting wondering, who's he talking to what's he doing, it's really no way to live a life, sure it may be over for him what ever he done, or didnt do , I will never know the truth, but it's not over for me im the one who got hurt during all this ,I guess it hurt worse because I had no clue ,I guess I did in a way but i just didnt want to believe it, I never thought he was like that, I always pictured him this stand up honorblee father and husband, honest, now I look at him differently , I have a hard time picturing him sneaking around behind my back , sleeping with someone else, denial thats what people tell me, that you wan to beelive so much that it isnt true, you are blind to the truth I Knew something was wrong for quite sometime as long as I had a suspsicion then I could tell myself 'Your crazy" He wouldnt dot hat 'Then when you get proof its like a bomb going off, everything you know or thoguht you knew your life, it's all gone, dead, I dont think I will ever get to the point where i would say it was the best thing that happened to me or us, I don't think anyone deserves to go through that kind of heartache and pain, and shame, and misery, I had never felt anything like that kind of pain, I know how women can snap, and do what they do, because I had been there, it';s like your sanity has stepped out side your body breifely and yo go into attack mode and you don't realize what your doing because you stopped being rational, or sane, you become like an animal protecting your home and family, at any cost and yo see this ow as a threat , its fight or flight, and before you relaized it , you've gon eto far, and done something you can never change or take back ,its like a switch ,once the threat is gone you return to normal, Ive had those thoguhts dark thoughts, about what I wanted to do to him and her, I wanted blood, I wanted them to feel what I Felt, feel the pain I felt , make them suffer like I was suffering and feeling humiliated, like garbage, worthless,, when people cheat they dont realize the magnitude of thier actions, it's not just about two people its about everyone you know and everyone around you, friends, family, kids, the ow/om family, friends kids life, nothing is ever the same, it changes you ,you never go back to who you once were ,It is not so much the cheating part of it, yes, it hurts but its the mental and emotional part of it, "Why ?" "What could she possilbly have to offer you ?" you don't just throw your wife away after 14 years , with out so much as an explanation, I could of never done that to him, never, If I wsa ever interested in somene else I would tell him that I was not happy I would never do what he did, your not happy your not happy, step up to the plate and tell your spouse they deserve respect and honesty and have a say how it's going to end, No one deserves to be treated like shit and tossed out of thier house and drag the kids through the mud ,How can a H go from being kind and loving , to cold and distant, what everh appened to ';I know I may not feel the same for my wife, but I owe her respect enough no to sneak around behind her back spend our money on this ow, I owe her not to hurt her anymore then she has already been hurt, don't play games don't bounce back and forth ,if your cant figure out who you want tobe with then be alone, don't try to have your cake and eat it too.Your wife deserves far more respect and loyalty then the homewrecking skank coworker or who ever she is, she is owed nothing, she deserves nothing ,she deserves everthing she gets she does not get the house, or all the things taht the couple worked so hard for, and that is all I have to say on that.
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