Believing II
I sure wish F-Word (Faith) was as simple as the Born Again crowd advertises. Just flip that switch and let your high-power security light glare. "Little Lights" donae seem to work for *Them* any more, but hey. . . Inflation happens. No matter how many times we are Born Again or *Just Get Over ^It^*, we remain children of the culture we are born to in the primary birth of our lives. Just believing while I leave the experting to the experts. Think I'll indulge in a chuckle over the word play that an ex is a has been and a spurt is a drip under pressure. Spurt on, good buddy. You do ^it^ well. Can you forgive my belief that The Big Boss has called me to a different path? No sweat off my nose whether you agree or knot. Expert Opinions are market ready products. I either buy or donae buy. Surfing on now. . .
Ditto for the current settling in our new lives. Baby Sis was born into protective custody and I donae believe her 13 month old senses remember the radical shifts of August 14 when she arrived here. The elder sibs are an entirely different story. Even for four year old Big Sis remebers how radically different her big city life was from our current farm lives. I donae believe she remembers the apartment city she was taken from in October 2018 but Big Bro certainly does. I believe he is still living out PTSD flashbacks to the romantic STBX dramas his parents enacted there. His new friend lives in one of those apartment cities and, if my ifs are in alignment, the flasbacks are vicious. Alas, it is hard to be certain. At six years, his cognitive memory is long enough to remember but his verbal skills arenae developed enough to identify, much less talk about PTSD flashbacks. I'm going by outside observation of the symptoms. The pros involved in the case are in tenative agreement, all the way to the difficulty of knowing what is happening inside a six year old psyche.
The doubts are still swirling in my damaged brain, but they feel tight and cohesive enough to respond to Mindfulness Exercises. The day after tomorrow will be the five month anniversary (monthiversary?) of the fatal car crash which took our son/Daddy and Mommy from us. I donae believe the grief is even close to fully healed, if such grief EVER heals fully. I believe it is a good idea to stay mindful of the healing needs, but balance in all things. Mindfullness, hyper-vigilance and obsessing are distinctly different activities. Mindfullness allows me to remain aware of and responsive to healing needs while continuing to find the joys in the here and now. Hyper-vigilance and obsessing are sinfully proud sponsors of self-fulfilling prophesy and chaos which virtually blind me to the here and now. Quit dancing on my nose, you pesky Bluebird of Happiness! ! ! I doesn't need sneezing on top of all these NFF Social Injustices! ! !
And so I shoot for Simple (Ha) Faith in the peaceful calm of this morning. The journey isnae finished but our little ship of fools is holding steady through the choppy sees. This step is done. Believe in it. It is okay to be cautiously optimistic. At least, that's my prayer and I'm sticking to it until The Quiet Voice instructs me otherwise. Just praying. . .
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My own PTSD recovery's take on faith was framed by a book I read by another pastor's kid like me whose dad fell from his high pulpit perch, arfie. The pastor's kid was Jim and Tammy Fae Bakker's son Jay Bakker. My own dad who fell from his own high pulpit perch happened to have once been friends with Jim and Tammy Fae, so Jay's story of how to go on from a big public scandal like theirs wrought spoke to me, too.
His book is called Faith, Doubt, and Other Lines I've Crossed: Walking with the Unknown God. I mention it because it might be relevant to what you say here about your own journey today. Or not. The unknown is unknown....
https://www.amazon.com/Faith-Doubt-Other-Lines-Crossed-ebook/dp/B007ZFPO4U
((((Arfie)))))
I just lit one of my favorite candles for every person you mentioned in this entry. (I hope that’s okay) It seems to be burning very calmly at the moment
Sending you support & many prayers
Gentlest of gentlest hugs <3
I vaguely remember Jim and Tammy Bakker. Maybe. For some reason I am surprised to hear they have a son, but I am not even sure which TV puppets they are. There isnae a shortage of them on the nets. Evangalists and other politicians all look alike to me, especially after they are knocked off their pedestals. It still hits my senses as tragic that I can no longer read easily. I miss being able to escape into printed words for infinite stretches.
It is more than okay that you lit candles for every person in this entry, Missy. It is deeply needed and appreciated. Thank you. I believe in prayer candles of all spiritual traditions. I donae care to do the research but I believe prayer candles might be the most embraced ritual within ALL the world's religions and anti-religions.
I think so, arfie. In Mexico where I go there is a Mayan temple where folks practice the old pre-Columbian rituals at small altars placed all over the inside of the building rather than at one high altar at one end. Every one of those little altars to those ancient divinities has a candle on it, so the inside of the temple looks like the evening sky full of stars.
Ya sent me surfing for that temple, Muji. I know its story, as told by one of my ESL students, is somewhere in my scrambled database. This gentle, lovely woman cried when she told --in ESL I English. Her Spanish wasn't much better than her English-- of how much she missed it. Her pictures were breathtaking. I know she told me its name, buttttaaaa. . . Me and names. . . Do you remember? I believe she was Tlaxcala but I amnae even close to trusting that memory.