Being with Leo
I have yet to re-visit Leo's grave. It's been a month and it has just occurred to me that I should stop by. I have never visited the graves of people I know as it has always seemed to me useless since they are in Heaven already. However, I remember Leo saying, "Why does it matter where I am, since you'll never come to see me anyway" when we were discussing where he should be buried. So stopping by now and then might make me feel like I was doing what he wanted me to do. Perhaps it would let me grieve more fully than I seem to be able to now. I'm still disoriented and fuzzy. It is as if nothing is real anymore. Seems more like Purgatory than anything else, since it seems to be a waiting time or an in-between time in my life. I tear up several times a day and yet I don't seem to feel any release from the tears. I was looking at some pictures of Leo last night and I couldn't relate to the person in the pictures. It was like looking at an actor, not my husband. That's such a strange reaction to have, isn't it? It's like I can't remember him. Perhaps my heart isn't ready to handle remembering him. The day I first met him, I thought "here's my other half." That is what he has been to me. Now I'm like a chicken with its head cut off, wandering around but without any mental guidance. What happened to all those plans I made to do things after Leo died? I spent 4 years promising myself freedom after my caregiving days were over. Now, of course, I not only feel guilty for that, I feel no real pleasure in doing anything. The most anything does is distract me for a little time. I'm so worried that I'm going to just let things not get done and find myself with unpaid bills, no food in the house, and a mess in every room. It would be so easy to do that. I have a good start on it already. However, I'm reading, journaling, and trying hard to do whatever the "right" thing to do is if I ever figure what's right. Oh boy, I remember time and again Leo remarking on how lazy I am. It looks like he was right. I am just like a hunk of mud right now. No urgency to do anything. I hope that I snap out of this soon.
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I couldn\'t picture my wife\'s face either if I don\'t look at photos. I also couldn\'t remember her voice. I think our brains are protecting us from unbearable pain. Over time, all should come, probably in a more joyful way, I hope. Hugs, Tiger