Being tough

Well here we are Christmas morning and once again I am up before everyone else and have the Turkey cooking away.Our son is at Grandma's this morning bugging his Auntie no doubt , no matter how much I begged for him to come home last night he just wanted to stay there. Spent a good part of yesterday thinking about our Angel Jeremy and about how this Christmas is going to suck, and just how hard it's going to be to get through it. We started off the Holidays at my inlaws like we do every year and I swore to myself that I would not drink, If I drink one I will drink the whole bottle and then more problems will begin. So I am proud to say I stayed SOBER! which is HUGE for me cause I used to deal with my problems by getting drunk until A drunk Driver hit and killed my Ex BF last year and I started to rethink how I handle things. so anyhow, we opened up our gifts with My hubby's family last night then headed over to the grandparents for the Traditional late night Dinner which I was dreading because I knew baby William would be coming.(William was born 3 weeks before our Jeremy) I wasn't sure how I would react this time since the last time I saw him I freaked out and couldn't even look at the little guy and not think about how he should have a cousin to grow up with. But I was down on the floor playing with my 7yr old and his 3 yr old cousin when William came in with his mommy and daddy and I thought to myself, if you don't hold this little guy now or at least TRY you will never get over the fear... So I braced myself and sat down beside the proud new Daddy, looked at the mommy and said 'ok Bring him over' and although it was a bit uncomfortable holding someone else's baby and knowing that 'Oh yeah, He's not mine, I can't bring him home' :'(  it really wasn't that bad, or that hard.. until I had to give him back that is. but when Hubby held him, that's what broke my heart... To see him with a baby in his arms and to know that it would be awhile (if at all) until we can hold another one of our own again. His face changed when he held William, he was so happy for a moment and so daddy like and then he began talking about the stages babies go through and he had such a huge smile on his face as he remembered our 7yr olds first smiles and coos.
People keep telling me how STRONG they think we are, I tell them, not strong, just a good act.
now today we get to deal with the other side of the family whom we haven't seen in months.. GREAT just what I need to hear.. 'How are you? My Sympathies..'
Lets just hope they DON'T.