Being Punished

I have come to realize that this new life has to be some type of punishment from God,It simply must be,I have no job,little money to survive on each month for me and my 2 kids,I see it now as a punishment because I should have been happy with what I had when my husband Pat was alive,but no not me,alway's wanted more,more money,bigger better house,better town to live in,better state,never ever satisfied,so stupid,I treated my sweet Pat like a walking paycheck,he wanted so few thing's out of life but what I wanted or the kids wanted was always more important,We moved so many times it's not funny,like 47 times in 27 year's,why? because of me,that's why,I could never get settled,we had this one house that I truly loved,it was a small delta farm house 1 story 3 bedroom,1 bath,nothing to boast about,just cute and comfortable.Big fireplace,big den lot's of great memories,but,when Trey(son) was school age we sent him to 2 private school's,he could not learn at either,it was later determined that he has autism but back then(90's) every kid had ADD or ADHD,the only public school in our district was very bad so we had to sell our home that we loved and get a doublewide,now the payment's with taxes and insurance on our house had been 311.75 for 7 year's,the house would have been paid for in 1997.The doublewide was 700 a month for 20 years which of course did not work,ever since then I have been in search of what I think of as HOME,the house we had to sell and the people we sold it to burned it down on purpose and bought a doublewide that they paid for in full. I am so miserable because I feel like I do not know where I belong,this singlewide I have is paid for,but it is a peice of junk and needs so much work,I will never get it all done.I'm not happy here because I don't have a job (even though I have applications in)I am constantly worried about money,I want to pack up and go home to MS and be with the family.(My father turns 81 tomorrow and my mother has all the signs of alzheimers)( I am the only child)But I have my 16 year old daughter to deal with,she has been raised most of her life in TN,her friend's are here,she loves it here and the mere mention of moving home causes her to go nuts.I am so lost,I pray and pray but if he is answering me I am not hearing him.I keep thinking if we went back down there atleast we would have the family and if we needed help we wold have it,unlike here,we really have few friend's and no family here (except daughter)Trey and I just sit here and worry about what we need to do next.I feel so bad because I think of the way thing's should have been or could have been,If I had just had the sense,I could have put a camper or something in the school district that Trey needed to be in and we could have kept our little house that we loved,that could have changed everything,Pat wouldn't have ever had all the stress,stress that I put on him about moving all the time,the home woud have been paid for,we wouldn't have had to have as much money,he could have rested more,maybe he would have never even had the first heart attack not to mention the other one that killed him,that's why I say I am being punished,if I had not been such a selfish bitch than maybe just maybe my Pat would still be here,maybe I wouldn't feel so worthless,maybe I would have a reason to get up in the morning.Maybe life would be good instead of horrible.