Being Grateful

As I look back and am reminded of so many trials and obstacles I have worked through and conquered I do realize I am fortunate. 

I am also lucky to have so many special people I have come across here and consider friends. It means alot to know people care (as I do about so many of you)

It is funny because I have been fortunate to finally be able to talk and share with people and will always continue (as it is beneficial for all ... to be heard and listened to). But on the flip side I restrain myself and have almost never taken one step forward as far as dating or working on a relationship.

All my life I settled. My marriage , the couple "relationships" I had before and after Dave. I took a big risk and went to Colorado. Got to see somewhere I've always wanted to but never thought I'd see. Met a complete stranger who would become a friend, but soon turned out to just be another smooth talker and again I was left feeling as bad as before. 

I was on dating sites for awhile but very careful as to who I'd respond. There were some I truly wanted to answer as they seemed more what I'd like but I stayed safe from being hurt by writing them off as out of my league. It's one think to think and another to be told that. There were others more safe I'd respond to but usually they would wind up being too non challant.  Chat a few times then time would pass before another response. When I was trying to get to know someone would chat and talk more frequently to get to know the other. Most older men don't wanna talk or know too much about anybody (including themselves) But after a bit of time goes by they send another vague text.  I dismiss that they are not really interested so disregard them as well.

I came across a few very nice guys at the store I would enjoy chatting with when they were in but I never really flirted or was a bit more bold.... so I may have lost a chance there too. (My thought is if meant to be I'll see them again)   So I could just kick myself for not even taking a chance. I want that glimmer  of hope, but fear being hurt, disappointed again. 

I admire Mary Contrary for being so determined and taking the bull by the horns. I also worry that she is not realizing a man (or true love) is not required to make her complete. She would be ok without it, as will I, I think it just saddens us that we may go through our entire life and never find that. 

So here I am knowing I have experienced a lot come across many and shared , helped and learned from each other

Why is it that it hits me raw that I have been completely untouched by pure natural love? The love that most are blessed with when fortunate enough to find another who feels that for you, the true love that God does show when blessing you both with a most precious gift...the gift of life growing inside you. The love you all share , your family flourishing... and you all growing stronger in your faith and accomplishing much more. 

Yeah I know... the love of self. I am at a much better place with that, but admit when being reminded by disappointments and insults is hard to hang tight with that. Why do I always struggle with this?