Being Consumed
I realize now through introspection and general life review, that I have always been "consumed" with something. The early passion of my relationship with my husband, then being consumed with being a mom to my kids. Then it was work, or rehabbing a house, or whatever. Then I became consumed with gambling. Except for gambling,with each "consumption" or "obsession", I was always able to balance my life, but when I really think about it, there were times when I did put other aspects of life on a back burner in order to devote myself to whatever was consuming me!
All this is coming to the surface because while I have thoroughly enjoyed the peace of mind and lessened stress of being GF for the past 10 weeks, I have started feeling those old urges come back again for the first time. I don't want to gamble, but I realized that what I miss is being consumed by something. For the first couple of months GF I was consumed by my recovery, coming here several times a day to drink in the wisdom and advice. I'm still thirsty for that, but not dehydrated like I was before! I actually had physical withdrawals from gambling, fatigue and flu like symptoms, depression resulting from the clear realization of what I damage I had done.
Then there was the feeling of peace, of clarity, of being present in my own life, the "high", as eastwester put it "The pink cloud". Floated along on that for a while, happily, blissfully.
Now, I think the urges are not so much to gamble, as they are to be "consumed" again. By something. Anything. Which could be dangerous.
At my GA meeting on Friday, there was actually another woman there for the first time since I started. Turns out she's been GF for 3 years, and just comes occasionally for refreshers. (At first I thought she said refreshments, and couldn't believe she'd be there for stale store bought cookies and bad bad coffee!) We talked, I told her how I was feeling, and she agreed completely. Her answer to needing to feel "consumed" was to join a community theater. She said the planning, practices, stress, anxiety,excitement and anticipation leading up to opening night was the equivalent for her of the emotional rollercoaster she used to be on while gambling. It satisfied her urges.
Now, I can't join a theater, can't act for the life of me, and my singing voice makes my kids, dogs, cats and even the rabbit run for the hills! But I get what she's saying. I love the peace and contentment and honesty and pleasure I get from being GF. But I do need some excitement, too. Something to get my pulse racing, and my adreneline rushing. It just can't be the casino. I need to find my "theater". I need to be "consumed" again, with something healthy.
All this is coming to the surface because while I have thoroughly enjoyed the peace of mind and lessened stress of being GF for the past 10 weeks, I have started feeling those old urges come back again for the first time. I don't want to gamble, but I realized that what I miss is being consumed by something. For the first couple of months GF I was consumed by my recovery, coming here several times a day to drink in the wisdom and advice. I'm still thirsty for that, but not dehydrated like I was before! I actually had physical withdrawals from gambling, fatigue and flu like symptoms, depression resulting from the clear realization of what I damage I had done.
Then there was the feeling of peace, of clarity, of being present in my own life, the "high", as eastwester put it "The pink cloud". Floated along on that for a while, happily, blissfully.
Now, I think the urges are not so much to gamble, as they are to be "consumed" again. By something. Anything. Which could be dangerous.
At my GA meeting on Friday, there was actually another woman there for the first time since I started. Turns out she's been GF for 3 years, and just comes occasionally for refreshers. (At first I thought she said refreshments, and couldn't believe she'd be there for stale store bought cookies and bad bad coffee!) We talked, I told her how I was feeling, and she agreed completely. Her answer to needing to feel "consumed" was to join a community theater. She said the planning, practices, stress, anxiety,excitement and anticipation leading up to opening night was the equivalent for her of the emotional rollercoaster she used to be on while gambling. It satisfied her urges.
Now, I can't join a theater, can't act for the life of me, and my singing voice makes my kids, dogs, cats and even the rabbit run for the hills! But I get what she's saying. I love the peace and contentment and honesty and pleasure I get from being GF. But I do need some excitement, too. Something to get my pulse racing, and my adreneline rushing. It just can't be the casino. I need to find my "theater". I need to be "consumed" again, with something healthy.
Replies
Great post Shelly. You have described everything down to a tee even the coffee at meetings. Someone once told me at a meeting 30 years ago that I wasn\'t just a gambler or an alcoholic but that I had an addictive personality. How dare anyone say that to me. Drinking,ok. Gambling,ok. But They were essentially telling me I was totally f..... up. I came close to slugging this person. They were right of course. But I was smarter than everyone. Hence, trouble. My gambling wasn\'t about getting rich. I was already rich. It was about action and as you alluded to the anticipation of that action. I have driven to Lake Tahoe in a blackout for five hours in a blizzard threatening everyone on the road including myself only to be broke in fifteen minutes. Is that crazy or what. I did that day after day in one way or another. KEEP SINGING, Jon
Exercise is my healthy way of getting all the right chemicals bouncing around in my brain. Eating cupcakes is the other way. Also, drinking those caffienated drinks on weekend mornings and going, going, going.
Hope you find something you are excited about. Maybe a trip somewhere you\'ve always wanted to go? Or trying out ancestory.com That\'s something I\'m considering. You could do it for yourself and kids.
Exercise is healthy indeed. Don\'t forget I was a tennis pro for forty some years and still am damn good.I also jog every day rain or shine. I have been clean and sober for many years and my life is better than ever except that I miss my second wife. I met with her in California last summer and we are still in love with each other but she
Exercise is healthy indeed. Don\'t forget I was a tennis pro for forty some years and still am damn good.I also jog every day rain or shine. I have been clean and sober for many years and my life is better than ever except that I miss my second wife. I met with her in California last summer and we are still in love with each other but she
Exercise is healthy indeed. Don\'t forget I was a tennis pro for forty some years and still am damn good.I also jog every day rain or shine. I have been clean and sober for many years and my life is better than ever except that I miss my second wife. I met with her in California last summer and we are still in love with each other but she
Exercise is healthy indeed. Don\'t forget I was a tennis pro for forty some years and still am damn good.I also jog every day rain or shine. I have been clean and sober for many years and my life is better than ever except that I miss my second wife. I met with her in California last summer and we are still in love with each other but she
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Sorry Mercury, I thought I was responding to resolved but my lap top went goofy. You are right about exercise. Jon
Vkedery sorry about all those posts that were unfinished but my computer locked and I could not unlock it for the life of me. I was about to say she is married, content, not in love, but a lot of money involved so she is out of bounds. I love going to meetings and not listening to people like me with a lot of time but hearing newcomers and returnee\'s. My compassion reaches out to them. They remind me where I don\'t want to be. Hurting in pain, not knowing how to get out of the hole. I have been there a million times and it is absolutely possible to recover from all the trouble one is in. Many ways of doing it, non is right or wrong. Recovery is what is important anyway one choses. Most of us still want to gamble even if it is subconscious. Filling that void is hard. I used to say screw it because I was bored silly and go gamble. I paid the penalty for it. But the scenario continued. I cared about the harm I was causing but I was still bored and lonely. I found relief at the track or casino albeit for a short time. As most of my several friends know I have cancer and if I was given 30 days to live or less I fantasize about sitting at a blackjack table with hundred dollar chips and play until I fall off the stool for good. This is just a fantasy but it always lingers. Beware, Jon
LOL Jon, if you heard me sing you probably wouldn\'t be encouraging me!
And yes,both of you are right- exercise is good, I\'ve found myself working out a lot more since I stopped gambling, and it has improved my general mood immensely.
But I do think I need something else to work toward, I may have found it in my newest sales venture. I\'ve been spending a lot of time working with my web designer and sharing ideas with my fellow sales reps, and it has definitely given me those \"highs\" that I just recently have started missing.
I really feel like I am in recovery from a surgery, or a trauma.Ever so slowly, getting back in the game again, as long as that \"game\" isn\'t in a casino!
Jon, we must have cross-posted!
I\'m sorry about your ex-wife, but we never know what the future holds, do we...as long as there is life, and love, there is hope. And if you were able to love that way once, you have the potential to do it again .
And I think you probably don\'t realize how important it is to the newbies at the meetings that someone like you still attends sometimes. I look to those who have managed to get that rabid monkey off their back (my favorite analogy for CG) and see hope for myself through their recovery.
I am so glad I met you on this board!