Beginning to Feel Better by Admitting my pain.

I am on the road to recovery; I have to release what has been bothering me emotionally for the past 12 years. Here is my story. When my former gf was pregnant with our daughter, I had just lost my job and scared. I didn't know what to do being a father. My reaction was to run away. I tried everything in finding a job and was unsuccessful. My daughter was born and held her in my arms. I didn't understand how my father had felt when I was a newborn baby. I found myself feeling how my father had felt. My relationship with my ex was on the rocks! I eventually found a job, it was horrible and needed help. My siblings helped it, it wasn't enough.

After she did things behind my back such as not informing me of her blood type and baptism, I was hurt. The next thing she did was  take me to Family Court where I had encountered a very nasty and cruel Court Magistrate who treated me like dirt. I didn't mind paying Child Support at all. She had ordered me to go to a very humiliating Court ordered program that I didn't need. The program was for those who were formerly incarcerated and didn't belong there. I had to attend or go to jail. Being in that program for the past 4 weeks had taken a toll on me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

The Counselors at the program had mistreated me and didn't care if I had a college degree. The biggest insult was working on my resume and had to put their program on top of my resume where I had recieved my education and the college I graduated from at the bottom and attending a mandatory program for fathers where the men was always complaining about their exes and wasn't helping me at all. That had made me so angry that I decided to work on the resume on my own without the advice of the counselor assigned to my case. Eventually, I had disassociated myself from the program after working in a job that they had found for me. That program was turning me into something that I wasn't.

The effects of this situation had scarred me. I wound up spending money, walking endlessly in the streets after work hours, working out, or when I wasn't with friends. I even stopped reading books from the library.  Those early years was difficult even my sister had saw the affects the program had on me that she won't talk about it with me to this day. I can no longer keep it to myself. Holding it in will make me sick and cause my blood pressure to go up which has happened. I am learning to forgive myself and forgive those who have hurt me. I believe that it will come back on them. Good news: The Judge who hurt me 12 years ago is retiring this year and that is good enough for me. She is a disgrace!

As for my ex, I am not at the place where I can forgive her yet. She was hurt before I came into the picture such as dealing with a bitter divorce and an emotionally abusive father. She has completely cut me off from my daughter and don't know which state she is living at. My selfishness had caused her pain, I didn't deserve being put through the ringer with Family Court. I am getting myself back together again. I still haven't seen my daughter in 12 years, optimistic that I am going to be in her life someday. Right now, I am going to take care of myself; I will give it time and not rush the process. Time definitely will heal all wounds.

One day, my sister will be interested in talking about what I have been through with me. I need to give her time. Talking about it has helped me to realize that I am not alone and to share my story so that no one will have to go through my situation alone. I am thankful to God that I have survived and become stronger, not weaker as a result. So whomever reads this story, you aren't alone!! Know that there are people who care and help you get through this situation. I am learning that just because you aren't in your child's life doesn't make you less of a parent: You are still a parent regardless of what Family Court says about you.

Don't allow them to label you;Know who you are and hold to that for dear life! Deadbeat Dad and Mom is a put down and hurts. As long as you are taking care of your child or children, they cannot take that away from you and your dignity. I have had to learn that the hard way. Don't make that mistake! Thank you for reading my story and God bless.