Begin again
Here I am again, wondering what the hell went wrong. I have plenty of suspects of course. But many of them get stifled under the heading of "too dramatic".
And that is the crux of many problems, suppression. I'm not supposed to be angry because that is not acceptable. I am not supposed to cry because I am an adult and I am supposed be able to function in society. I am not supposed to express a negative opinion because it causes a negative effect in other people.
That last one is particularly interesting. If I say or do something negative or pessimistic, then not only do other people react to that negatively, but most people will then forevermore see me as a negative person. We laud the second chance and the individual experience. But how many times have you sworn off a coffee shop because the person behind the counter was "rude"--well, if they were rude, then the whole company must be rude too. We throw a blanket over something based on one, two, or multiple experiences. But just as I have had one, two, and multiple horrible depressive and anxious days...does that mean I am permanently one color as well? Once that perception is pressed into the soft clay of someone's mind, it instantly hardens and cannot change except under either extreme circumstances, or the stronger impression of a person whom they feel is more trustworthy than their own mind.
So we all live in a suppressed world. Small wonder that we a completely fucked up and out of touch with what reality is.
I am a product of my environment. Sure, I have "natural tendencies", but they were sufficiently beaten out of me by the overwhelming force of an immature, confused society that has no focus and no plan and no consensus. Do I want to cry? Is that my natural tendency? Yes. Do I cry? No. Because the consequences of that cry are deep and irreversible.--I will be perceived differently forever. That perception affects where I work, who my friends are, and ultimately what I will be allowed to accomplish in this life and what kind of quality of life I will be allowed to have.
How could I not be depressed? How could I not be angry? These restrictions on my freedom of expression make me so. But these reactions are suppressed as violently as everything else.
And what does come to the surface is segregation. To have mental help problems is to belong to a separate group...for instance, this website. We hang out with other depressed people because they see your natural as THE natural, and so we create a sub-society of mental illnesses and it helps us cope with the rest of the world that suppresses these things.
It works the same across the board. If you are gay, you hang out with other gay people, you go to gay pride, PFLAG, gay bookstores, watch movies with gay characters and relationships.
So we stick with our kind and look at everyone else as the "other". For all the unity and freedom that we preach, we are trapped in cages of our own making, build with strong walls to keep the others out and all the people who are like you inside.
Right now we can't control it...if you are depressed, you live in Mental Illness land forever. Even if it's managed, you are still not a part of the strongest voice that calms to be the "Normal" of our time. And their ultimate goal is to make everyone a part of their group. Hence the fact that I need to somehow "fix" my depression. Never mind that in the same breathe, mental illness is coddled as "just a part of me"; something that just can't be helped or cured.
If we could hand pick the genes to make a perfect "Normal" person (and we are getting there), most people would do it in a heartbeat. No more depression, no more homosexuals, no more cancer, no more physical disabilities. And no more support groups for all of these. Instead, there would be a support group for the Genetically Imperfect and the Genetically Imperfect Supporters (i.e. the new Normal). And we imperfect ones would log on and complain about how we need to do things like sleep and eat, and how unfair life is, and why couldn't we just get over our genetic imperfections like those Perfect ones?
And why go down this rabbit hole? I don't pretend to be an expert on things, though whether that is how I really feel or if it is because I am suppressing that thought as something inappropriate to say is another story. I do know that I am angry all the time. I do know that I am frustrated all the time. I blame lots of things, including myself. I see the Other and I want to be there. I see things as segregated. I see the Other as the world against me. And what other option could there be? Depression needs to be fixed, right? Anxiety needs to be calmed. These are problems because they are deviant from the Normal.
So I am trapped in the cycle of suppression. Unable to just be because of the consequences. So much has been suppressed I get even angrier that conventional wisdom is that I can "fix" myself with a once a day pill and an hour of talking a week. IT WON'T! I have suppressed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week just to survive. And when we stop caring and refuse to get out of bed, it's because we are crushed under the weight of our suppression.
I HATE the world that's been created. I HATE that I have to live here. I HATE that I continue to follow the rules of the Other every day simply because it allows me to make money according to the Other's allowances, so I can live in the Other's world, outwardly peaceful and dying inside.
I am so crushed right now. I can barely care. but if I don't care for the Normal, I can't live in the Normal world anymore.
It is not hard to see where this is going.
Today is a bad day.
And that is the crux of many problems, suppression. I'm not supposed to be angry because that is not acceptable. I am not supposed to cry because I am an adult and I am supposed be able to function in society. I am not supposed to express a negative opinion because it causes a negative effect in other people.
That last one is particularly interesting. If I say or do something negative or pessimistic, then not only do other people react to that negatively, but most people will then forevermore see me as a negative person. We laud the second chance and the individual experience. But how many times have you sworn off a coffee shop because the person behind the counter was "rude"--well, if they were rude, then the whole company must be rude too. We throw a blanket over something based on one, two, or multiple experiences. But just as I have had one, two, and multiple horrible depressive and anxious days...does that mean I am permanently one color as well? Once that perception is pressed into the soft clay of someone's mind, it instantly hardens and cannot change except under either extreme circumstances, or the stronger impression of a person whom they feel is more trustworthy than their own mind.
So we all live in a suppressed world. Small wonder that we a completely fucked up and out of touch with what reality is.
I am a product of my environment. Sure, I have "natural tendencies", but they were sufficiently beaten out of me by the overwhelming force of an immature, confused society that has no focus and no plan and no consensus. Do I want to cry? Is that my natural tendency? Yes. Do I cry? No. Because the consequences of that cry are deep and irreversible.--I will be perceived differently forever. That perception affects where I work, who my friends are, and ultimately what I will be allowed to accomplish in this life and what kind of quality of life I will be allowed to have.
How could I not be depressed? How could I not be angry? These restrictions on my freedom of expression make me so. But these reactions are suppressed as violently as everything else.
And what does come to the surface is segregation. To have mental help problems is to belong to a separate group...for instance, this website. We hang out with other depressed people because they see your natural as THE natural, and so we create a sub-society of mental illnesses and it helps us cope with the rest of the world that suppresses these things.
It works the same across the board. If you are gay, you hang out with other gay people, you go to gay pride, PFLAG, gay bookstores, watch movies with gay characters and relationships.
So we stick with our kind and look at everyone else as the "other". For all the unity and freedom that we preach, we are trapped in cages of our own making, build with strong walls to keep the others out and all the people who are like you inside.
Right now we can't control it...if you are depressed, you live in Mental Illness land forever. Even if it's managed, you are still not a part of the strongest voice that calms to be the "Normal" of our time. And their ultimate goal is to make everyone a part of their group. Hence the fact that I need to somehow "fix" my depression. Never mind that in the same breathe, mental illness is coddled as "just a part of me"; something that just can't be helped or cured.
If we could hand pick the genes to make a perfect "Normal" person (and we are getting there), most people would do it in a heartbeat. No more depression, no more homosexuals, no more cancer, no more physical disabilities. And no more support groups for all of these. Instead, there would be a support group for the Genetically Imperfect and the Genetically Imperfect Supporters (i.e. the new Normal). And we imperfect ones would log on and complain about how we need to do things like sleep and eat, and how unfair life is, and why couldn't we just get over our genetic imperfections like those Perfect ones?
And why go down this rabbit hole? I don't pretend to be an expert on things, though whether that is how I really feel or if it is because I am suppressing that thought as something inappropriate to say is another story. I do know that I am angry all the time. I do know that I am frustrated all the time. I blame lots of things, including myself. I see the Other and I want to be there. I see things as segregated. I see the Other as the world against me. And what other option could there be? Depression needs to be fixed, right? Anxiety needs to be calmed. These are problems because they are deviant from the Normal.
So I am trapped in the cycle of suppression. Unable to just be because of the consequences. So much has been suppressed I get even angrier that conventional wisdom is that I can "fix" myself with a once a day pill and an hour of talking a week. IT WON'T! I have suppressed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week just to survive. And when we stop caring and refuse to get out of bed, it's because we are crushed under the weight of our suppression.
I HATE the world that's been created. I HATE that I have to live here. I HATE that I continue to follow the rules of the Other every day simply because it allows me to make money according to the Other's allowances, so I can live in the Other's world, outwardly peaceful and dying inside.
I am so crushed right now. I can barely care. but if I don't care for the Normal, I can't live in the Normal world anymore.
It is not hard to see where this is going.
Today is a bad day.
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