Been thinkinh about death alot today
Today has been really weird for me. I have been an emotional rollercoaster all day. First everything was fine, I woke up and watched tv, went to the shops and chose my new tarot cards, I was feeling very connected to the world, I felt love from my spirit guide (who happens to be a nun ironically). I was just thinking about life, emotions. But then about 6ish it all went down hill. I was thinking about death alot, thinking of easy and painless ways to die, and the temptation to really hurt myself for some kind of release. It's something I felt I needed. Sometimes we are so un consolable that nothing can make us feel better. I wanted to die, even come to terms with the idea of death and am no longer afraid of dying. This scares me, as when I'm feeling irritable and lower than low, it will be so easy for me to go through with it. I am hoping that I won't want to any time soon, but the more I go to work, the lower my moods get and the more the thought of dying becomes tempting. I know people might miss me at first, but they will get over me as I haven't really left my mark on the world or had much of an impact on anyone. I am not wallowing in self pity here, I'm actually thinking quite logically.
In the back of my head that when we commit suicide, we are taking the easy way out. That we will have to come back in the next life and have the same problems we have in this life. But that is so far away and how do I know I will still be this weak in my next life? Maybe then I will be strong enough to handle these problems. I know this won't be the end for me if I did do it. I saw a face out the back in work today so I know there is something else after this life. I just dont know. Am I meant to live until the end? Or is suicide the way I will go out of this life??? When I look at some of the ways people die, suicide seems a much more pleasant way to go. Except paracetamol (tylenol) overdose. I know because I have done this before and I'm still here. But it did mess me up for a while after, and people who do die of this, do it slowly and their organs shut down, if they don't get some sort of antidote, they might have to rely on a liver transplant if they want to live and failing that, it's a slow painful death as it dies. I shouldnt be thinking about this, it's horrible but now I can't get images of death out of my head.
In the back of my head that when we commit suicide, we are taking the easy way out. That we will have to come back in the next life and have the same problems we have in this life. But that is so far away and how do I know I will still be this weak in my next life? Maybe then I will be strong enough to handle these problems. I know this won't be the end for me if I did do it. I saw a face out the back in work today so I know there is something else after this life. I just dont know. Am I meant to live until the end? Or is suicide the way I will go out of this life??? When I look at some of the ways people die, suicide seems a much more pleasant way to go. Except paracetamol (tylenol) overdose. I know because I have done this before and I'm still here. But it did mess me up for a while after, and people who do die of this, do it slowly and their organs shut down, if they don't get some sort of antidote, they might have to rely on a liver transplant if they want to live and failing that, it's a slow painful death as it dies. I shouldnt be thinking about this, it's horrible but now I can't get images of death out of my head.
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