Been thinking
I find myself here again to write, hopefully sorting out some of my thoughts. I have spent the last 3 years feeling like I'm not a mom anymore....the identity that I always loved saying and being, even in those moments that weren't so happy disappeared when Jennifer left his earth I have struggled with my identity now that Jennifer is not physically present. Not hearing mom or being needed in the way that I was for 36 years has beyond rocked my world.
In reading Teri's journals and posts on FB and reading Joanie's journals, I hear that they are still Kala's and Douglas' mom. I say I'm Jennifer's mom but in my heart of hearts I feel like I'm not a mom anymore....thus comes a wave of emotions and instability making me crazy inside.
I've been thinking that if I'm able to say, I'm a mom, a great mom, a mom full of love, pride, excitement when thinking of my daughter. Everytime I see a picture, I smile saying that's my daughter, and I'm proud to be her mom - what if I look for her in little things on a daily basis? Because I'm still a mom.
I don't know if this sounds crazy - I don't know if it makes any sense at all. I just know something has got to change a little - because I just can't bear to think anymore that I'm not a mom when more than half my life I was a mom to Jennifer. I was watching a lifetime movie about a mom who had a stillbirth and then went on to get pregnant again and deliver and someone asked her "is this your first"? She replied, "no this is my second child"...She then began to tell her baby of the big brother that is watching over them....got me thinking.
Or, is all this just so painful that I can't bear to say, I'm Jennifer's mom but she resides in heaven? There are people that just can't process that or they don't know what to say to that....Is that what I don't want to face? People know I'm Jennifer's mom but I find myself sometimes thinking I'm not anymore, she is not here. SIGH......TEARS.........
Replies
Dearest Vicki, you are speaking for us as a collective and that takes such courage to do. To have had Jennifer earth side with you and to no longer have that physical sense of her is so very confusing for your cells that know you are a mom forever, yet where do you contain all the feelings, all the love, all the dreams?? I don't know that there are answers to these matters of the heart, yet the one thing that has helped me more than anything was asking Douglas to help me with this.
I have a sense that Jennifer has ideas and some very definite thoughts about this for her mom. I know that it does not change the agony of not being able to hold your daughter in your arms, yet perhaps there is something that can you can learn to hold onto with Jennifer's help. Truly, when I began to include my son in all of my daily life decisions that is when I could begin to feel him with me sometimes even more than I had when he was earth side.
Our moms who have their only child or all their children are my heroes. You are carrying losses that no mother should ever have to face and I hope that some of them will speak to what it feels like for them and where do they go to find tender mercies on this path.
My heart is with you dearest Vicki, and I know there is nothing that I can say that touch the depths of your pain, yet I can help you hold it as you help me.
Love and heartfelt prayers for a tender mercy right in this moment,
XO Joanie
Dearest Vicky, I can understand your confusion of who you are now. This confusion hurts and crumbles the core of your whole existence right now. You and Jennifer shared your own, very special little world, and now that world is gone....... Where do you fit in now, in this cold big world without Jennifer? This is how I feel without my Colleen, although I have 2 lovely older children. Fact is my 2 older children are normal, grown-up, and living their own lives. They don't need me or love me unconditionally, the way Colleen did. That is why I still feel that I don't really belong anywhere anymore! I don't have my own place to stay, or my own transport. I am dependant on my 2 older children, and this is not the world I had before!! When Colleen died, a big part of my heart died with her. But when your Jennifer passed, your whole heart died with her!! I find some small comfort in talking about "my Colleen", instead of just Colleen. Our world's will never be the same again. After almost 4 years, I still miss the world I lived in before, because back then I was a whole person!
The fact that Jennifer moved to heaven, makes you a very worthy ANGEL MOM, dearest Vicky!! Yes it is different, but you are still a mother!! Mother of beautiful angel Jennifer!!
Tender loving hugs to you, my sweet friend! xxx
I used to ask people if they had children, or how many children had. It never occurred to me that there would be a time when I would dread that question. I really hate that question now. I had trouble knowing what to say. I feel comfortable now saying that I HAVE 2 children and depending on who I am talking to, I expand and explain that Lisa is no longer in this realm.
I can only imagine how hard it is to lose your only child. I can understand the loss of identity. You are a mom. You will always be a mom. Jennifer is with you, as Lisa is with me.
Love and tight hugs, Marlene
Hi Vicki, I often feel the way you do...All of us here have layers to our grief but one layer you and I share as do the other moms whose only child has passed or who have had all their children pass, is that we do not have a living child. We cannot mother or nurture our child in heaven. In this life, we are no longer called "mom" by a child. I can only imagine how much it hurts to have other children and watch them miss their sibling and grieve the child who has passed. I can only imagine because that is a layer I do not have. But much of my identity is that of a mom. I have been a mom since I was pretty young and at 54 my life as I knew it was no more. I have had to grieve that piece of my identity because the reality is I no longer have anyone to mother. Mother's day is the worst for me. I have a difficult cruel mother and the other piece of mother's day used to be the best for me. A day to spend with Ed. That is changed now and Mother's day is truly painful for me. No reason to celebrate. I go through the motions for my grandchildren who I am grateful for, but they have a mom and that's how it should be.
The only thing I can say is that after all these years, 7 of them, I am beginning to make peace with the loss of my role as a mom. Yes, I am Ed's forever mom, but I am no longer able to mother. I do talk about Ed often, share memories of our experiences but often when people know or find out he's deceased, well let's just say I can quickly clear out a room. I have said to people when they ask, that I have a son who now resides in heaven. The reactions are varied. You make total sense to me. I hope my ramblings make sense to you. I am trying to grieve how my identity has changed and use language that describes my new role such as "I am a mom to an angel" or "my son now resides in heaven." It doesn't always go over well but so be it. I cannot be responsible for how others react to my situation. My thoughts are that you and I will always be Jennifer and Ed's moms but that our role is changed in that we can no longer actively mother. I don't know if my thoughts are helpful at all but just know that I understand. And you mentioned that you desire a change. I did too so I began to reframe my thoughts a bit. Sigh...this journey is a cruel one. So many layers for all of us moms. Hugging you tight and loving you and dearest Jennifer, Linda, Ed's mom
I am so sorry, for the pain you are feeling and the loss of your idenity. When I lost my husband of 33 yrs. I lost myself too. The woman I was no longer existed.
When I lost my son, five years ago a big part of me died with him. Now, I feel like I have no idenity and have no idea who I am. I was only 16 yrs. old, when I gave birth to Dean. We basically grew up together, so the void he left is enormous!! Like you I miss him calling me mom . I like to think that our kids, all of them are around us daily. Your precious Jennifer and my Dean...Loving us forever, until we meet again.
(((((HUGS))))), Julia