Been Expecting this, still wierd
Huh, having counseled people through it before, I guess I'm still shocked to have it. I think I have entered the "Anger" part of my process. I know it's a part of it, but it's still strange. Lately I've been feeling twinges of resentment towards my parents for their previous bigotry, dissatisfaction with myself for having taken to so long to come out, and anger at friends for forgetting me or leaving me out. Usually whenever I'm peeved, I can filter that into something constructive (work, art, music, etc.), it's just lately there doesn't seem to be enough outlets. I am thankful I am not too impulsive, I realize my parents did not know their error and are actively changing, that I realistically could not have come out sooner for my own well being and that my friends were responding to my emotional wall and (those I have come out too) have actively included me since.
I suppose I am writing this as a call for advice and as another outlet. I have always been in control of my emotions and been unusually self-aware (it's what's kept me alive), and getting these flashes of irrationality is confusing. Like I said, I have experienced this part of the process from the other side, but experiencing it myself is weird. There is almost a thrill in it, that I am feeling something new, something normal. I don't think I am in any emotional danger, I do process and I don't take things out on those around me. I still keep an optimistic view on things, actively try not to complain, and try and help those around me as well as myself.
I wonder if this is a hormonal reaction to the changes in my life. The stresses of life have changed, I acknowledge my feelings now; perhaps this is just a negative counterpoint to the positive I have been riding. It comes in waves (reminds me of puberty actually). I realize though, that the less I repress myself, the deeper and truer I feel my emotions. Naturally my negative emotions would amplify as well I suppose.
Like I said though, I stay positive. This deeper self awareness has been remarkable for my confidence, I take more risks (as in calculating and creative, not "Let's play chicken with a train") and I am able to relate to others more easily.
Hmm... when I dealt with my students, some of them lasted in this phase for a few weeks, some around a year. I wonder where I'll fall? I apologize if this entry is confusing, but I am writing as I'm reasoning to help me process.
You know what? I like this. Anger is normal. Everyone experiences it. It's what we do with it that matters. I've realized recently that I miss helping my students since I graduated. While design is still my passion, I think I want to volunteer for the LGBTQ community. I am starting an apartment search soon to move into Manhattan, I suppose I should start looking for volunteer organizations too. I kind of feel drawn to filter my aggressions into something positive for the community. Hey, I feel kind of better. I started writing this in a funk, but I kind of feel at ease. God bless the catharsis of free writing.
Thanks for enduring my emotional exercise,
Steve
I suppose I am writing this as a call for advice and as another outlet. I have always been in control of my emotions and been unusually self-aware (it's what's kept me alive), and getting these flashes of irrationality is confusing. Like I said, I have experienced this part of the process from the other side, but experiencing it myself is weird. There is almost a thrill in it, that I am feeling something new, something normal. I don't think I am in any emotional danger, I do process and I don't take things out on those around me. I still keep an optimistic view on things, actively try not to complain, and try and help those around me as well as myself.
I wonder if this is a hormonal reaction to the changes in my life. The stresses of life have changed, I acknowledge my feelings now; perhaps this is just a negative counterpoint to the positive I have been riding. It comes in waves (reminds me of puberty actually). I realize though, that the less I repress myself, the deeper and truer I feel my emotions. Naturally my negative emotions would amplify as well I suppose.
Like I said though, I stay positive. This deeper self awareness has been remarkable for my confidence, I take more risks (as in calculating and creative, not "Let's play chicken with a train") and I am able to relate to others more easily.
Hmm... when I dealt with my students, some of them lasted in this phase for a few weeks, some around a year. I wonder where I'll fall? I apologize if this entry is confusing, but I am writing as I'm reasoning to help me process.
You know what? I like this. Anger is normal. Everyone experiences it. It's what we do with it that matters. I've realized recently that I miss helping my students since I graduated. While design is still my passion, I think I want to volunteer for the LGBTQ community. I am starting an apartment search soon to move into Manhattan, I suppose I should start looking for volunteer organizations too. I kind of feel drawn to filter my aggressions into something positive for the community. Hey, I feel kind of better. I started writing this in a funk, but I kind of feel at ease. God bless the catharsis of free writing.
Thanks for enduring my emotional exercise,
Steve
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