Been drifting

 
Hi all it has been awhile since I have written and I know that that is not a good thing in the situation that we all are in.  I have been feeling exceptionally lonely and distant for a month or so, yea I know it's called depression but I'm in denial!  The pull from what I see in my future and what I want are so far apart.  The wife has been a lot less abusive and a little responsive since I have quit trying to show any affection.  I took my therapist advice and have been getting a track on our expenses and debt. And I saw a lawyer for a divorce consultation, but that has left me feeling very empty inside. I know my wife loves me but she does not want me as a man, husband, companion. And I have a deep guilt about wanting to leave her, because I do lover her but I can't/won't beg for affection ever again. And when I have tried to reach out and she reluctantly responded all of her words over the past 23 years rush through my head and the feeling of closeness was gone.  I don't know what to do? I don't want to be alone all my life and getting out of this relationship won't mean that I will ever find anything different.  I'm still confused in my heart and my head.  Any words of wisdom?