Been Awhile

I've given up on the journal thing. Don't want to keep it going. Rather just write it out here and not have to be on every day or two writing updates.Things have been balanced between Telly and I. I am finding myself feeling pretty low though. There's issues there that I'm feeling may just be in my own head. Things like sex, the fact she doesn't really initiate kisses anymore, that I kind of feel like she's not happy with me. She says she is and wants to be with me, so I'm just taking my time, it's improving slowly, but i honestly don't feel I deserve this.Something I asked myself tonight is what has she done for me in the last while, I honestly don't have an answer. I do love her and am mostly happy with her, wish things would get back to normal and we'd be back to feeling like a completely happy couple, but that will be awhile. But she hasn't done anything for me. I rush around for her, go and get her things, pick her up to bring her to work. Not because I feel obligated, but because I want to, but it's starting to feel like she expects it rather then appreciates it. She says thanks now and then, but honestly I show her so much appreciation, and she seems to just nitpick me.Good example is her birthday was last Friday. I had a good night, thought things went so well. I'm a bit worried about her drinking now because of the fact she doesn't remember anything for the last few hours, so what if that happens more often then I think? But I don't worry too much about it, it was a great night. Well a few days ago she told me about how she felt i didn't want to be around her when i went upstairs to talk to Danielle. I'll admit, it's hard for me to stay in one place for too long when people are playing nothing but drinking games, I'm sorry but I believe in moving around and not just concentrating too much on one thing. But out of the seven hours I was at her party, I went upstairs for one hour. She then said "It doesn't seem like you have fun when you are party cause you don't say anything, you're not as rowdy and such" Honestly, I was just as bad as they were, she was just on the other side of the table. She said that was another thing, I didn't sit beside her at any point. I'm sorry but she likes to mingle and such, so i leave her do that. If I had been around too much she would've complained that I was too clingy. It's like there's no pleasing point with her. Just have to do something wrong no matter what and that makes me almost want to just give up entirely. I don't know. It hurts alot. She doesn't really support anything I do either. I'm tired of trying my hardest and getting close to nowhere. It breaks my heart and I hurt alot from it, cause I don't know what I'm doing wrong.Part of me feels that maybe I should just give up straightedge and drink myself stupid and get high and whatever else cause obviously she sees that as having fun. That hurts alot too. I feel so judged. I feel like I can't say anything really cause when i do i just open all this crap. I feel like I'm going out of my mind.