Been avoiding this space
A quick note to re engage.
This whole mess can get so exhausting! The fragmentation of emotional processing that seems to be some sort of stockholm syndrome effect from being with my ex N for even the relatively short time we were together is truly screwy. That by trying to track some kind of rationale from the random, crazy making behaviour I had been engaged with, I take on scattered symptoms myself, or at least have one hell of a maze that's been created for me to walk through for understanding. One with heaps of dead ends, loops that join up and then disappear, it's something that surely will make my mind one strong fucker when I'm finally through this mess.
I have started new therapy with someone that I think might be very good for me, limited sessions for now, hopefully I will be able to extend this and see him for longer.
For my part, the constant agonising realisations that this has been bringing up for me are relentless. Parent issues abound, initially all to do with my father, the identified narc and substance abuser in my family dynamic. I thought that after his death I had more of a capacity or propensity to allow people that mirrored his problem behaviour into my life (partly true) Then realised that it really has been since my mothers death six years earlier that this started to happen. I'm still trying to discover the true significance of this for me, how it can be unravelled to help me change my situation, and will bring it to therapy.
I also had more contact with my ex N, extremely violent, I came out of it looking very battered, feeling sore, still feeling sore. And I don't know if this is good or not? but this time I fought back. It was so intense, because even though I fought back, and wanted to show I would not be weak, I still have the basic empathy in me to try my hardest not to permanently mame or damage anyone! He on the other hand, stomped on my neck while I was knocked to the ground, punched me violently across the face many times, leaving me looking like a stereotypical add for domestic violence. I disassociated while he was hitting me, and became transfixed on his face, an amazing mixture of extreme fear and anger. That scared child and damaged man going for it trying to kill me.
When it had finished, he ran away as usual. I walked through his community (a traditional indigenous community that I'm familiar with) it was afternoon, and allowed people to view what had been done to me, when they asked what had happened, I told them. I walked all the way to his parents house where he is staying, called out his parents and family and told them to have a look at what their 'adult' son is doiy ng.
Typical story, women were very supportive (even if for just that moment) also the young people with whom I have excellent relationships with, but the men 'elders', well they typically stood back and didn't react, looking like they were trying to ignore it, or that maybe it was 'women's business'.
This whole NPD, DV shit is so gendered, that's an extra mind fuck.
I received the predictable follow up messages from him. 'sorry sorry sorry', 'I'll do anything to change', 'I love you' , blah blah blah. And now he seems to have disappeared once again.
I am hoping he has found another source of narc supply, even though I know I should go legal so that he has less chance to be abusive to the next person. I just have a really big issue with putting things into the hands of the law. I feel so disempowered already, it feels like if I can't navigate this myself, without the police, whom I have little respect for, then he's won. I also suspect that he'd like the attention, and I don't want him to have it.
I am hoping for social justice, and in this I have been fairly thorough. Friends, family, community know about this in a wide capacity, and I'm hoping that will stop him or expose him before he can do much damage to me or anyone else again. It also helps me to stay on track, that bastard still can manipulate me so easily, and by outing my situation to everyone, it keeps me from losing my integrity and going back to him on any level.
God this is tuff!!! excruciatingly hard!
ps, I am trying to establish whether the impact of my mother's death has made me feel unprotected and therefore not on the ball keeping these vampires away? or maybe because I felt so much attachment towards her, I took the same qualities from her that allowed her to be with someone like my father. food for thought.
This whole mess can get so exhausting! The fragmentation of emotional processing that seems to be some sort of stockholm syndrome effect from being with my ex N for even the relatively short time we were together is truly screwy. That by trying to track some kind of rationale from the random, crazy making behaviour I had been engaged with, I take on scattered symptoms myself, or at least have one hell of a maze that's been created for me to walk through for understanding. One with heaps of dead ends, loops that join up and then disappear, it's something that surely will make my mind one strong fucker when I'm finally through this mess.
I have started new therapy with someone that I think might be very good for me, limited sessions for now, hopefully I will be able to extend this and see him for longer.
For my part, the constant agonising realisations that this has been bringing up for me are relentless. Parent issues abound, initially all to do with my father, the identified narc and substance abuser in my family dynamic. I thought that after his death I had more of a capacity or propensity to allow people that mirrored his problem behaviour into my life (partly true) Then realised that it really has been since my mothers death six years earlier that this started to happen. I'm still trying to discover the true significance of this for me, how it can be unravelled to help me change my situation, and will bring it to therapy.
I also had more contact with my ex N, extremely violent, I came out of it looking very battered, feeling sore, still feeling sore. And I don't know if this is good or not? but this time I fought back. It was so intense, because even though I fought back, and wanted to show I would not be weak, I still have the basic empathy in me to try my hardest not to permanently mame or damage anyone! He on the other hand, stomped on my neck while I was knocked to the ground, punched me violently across the face many times, leaving me looking like a stereotypical add for domestic violence. I disassociated while he was hitting me, and became transfixed on his face, an amazing mixture of extreme fear and anger. That scared child and damaged man going for it trying to kill me.
When it had finished, he ran away as usual. I walked through his community (a traditional indigenous community that I'm familiar with) it was afternoon, and allowed people to view what had been done to me, when they asked what had happened, I told them. I walked all the way to his parents house where he is staying, called out his parents and family and told them to have a look at what their 'adult' son is doiy ng.
Typical story, women were very supportive (even if for just that moment) also the young people with whom I have excellent relationships with, but the men 'elders', well they typically stood back and didn't react, looking like they were trying to ignore it, or that maybe it was 'women's business'.
This whole NPD, DV shit is so gendered, that's an extra mind fuck.
I received the predictable follow up messages from him. 'sorry sorry sorry', 'I'll do anything to change', 'I love you' , blah blah blah. And now he seems to have disappeared once again.
I am hoping he has found another source of narc supply, even though I know I should go legal so that he has less chance to be abusive to the next person. I just have a really big issue with putting things into the hands of the law. I feel so disempowered already, it feels like if I can't navigate this myself, without the police, whom I have little respect for, then he's won. I also suspect that he'd like the attention, and I don't want him to have it.
I am hoping for social justice, and in this I have been fairly thorough. Friends, family, community know about this in a wide capacity, and I'm hoping that will stop him or expose him before he can do much damage to me or anyone else again. It also helps me to stay on track, that bastard still can manipulate me so easily, and by outing my situation to everyone, it keeps me from losing my integrity and going back to him on any level.
God this is tuff!!! excruciatingly hard!
ps, I am trying to establish whether the impact of my mother's death has made me feel unprotected and therefore not on the ball keeping these vampires away? or maybe because I felt so much attachment towards her, I took the same qualities from her that allowed her to be with someone like my father. food for thought.
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