Be Thankful

Dear Self, 

Be thankful for everything the way things are because things could always be so much worse. This is what I tell myself often. It's true. Sometimes it makes me feel better. But it never diminshes or changes what's really going on. My baby girl is in prison! It's the most unreal, surreal.... I looked up these two words: 

unreal: so strange as to appear imaginary; not seeming real.

surreal: marked by the intense irrational reality of a dream. 

More like a nightmare.....right? I never would have thought or expected this for my beautiful first born child. Strong, determined, stubborn, giving, generous, joyful. 

It hurts so very much. Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? 

The guilt, the what ifs, but that's the past. There isn't anything I can change about the past. 

Some might think it would be wrong to enjoy our life while our loved ones are locked up. But life goes on. Just as when someone passes away, life goes on. It seems so unfair. I didn't say it wasn't painful. I see children of my friends graduating college, getting married, having babies. I am not unhappy for them. It's not that I wish bad things for them. It just hurts so bad to watch life go on. So I withdraw. From friends, family. I stopped going to church because it hurts to see people, I don't know, living. I know, sounds really bad doesn't it? But i figured out what was wrong. I can't stop living, but my heart did. The day she was convicted. My heart stopped living. The rest of me has to go on. I still have to get up everyday, go to work, pay bills, buy groceries, clean the house, deal with all the other problems life throws at me, broken car, frustrations at work, my two other adult children and their stuff. 

Even though I haven't been to church in awhile, I do miss it, and I still spend time with God in prayer and reading my bible and devotionals and journaling and doing crafts. God is my everything! There is no way I could get through this without him. You might be thinking if I have God then why am I still so sad. Because it's just my reality right now. Things don't always go my way. Life doesn't always work out the way we think it should. This journey has been the most difficult and yet so many tender moments with God and being able to encourage my daughter to keep her eyes on Jesus. If you don't know Him, then this is probably hard to understand. I can't imagine the pain that I feel now, how much more would it be without Jesus? 

He loves our prisoners so very much. Just the way they are. I know we are all hoping for our loved ones to get out. I know I sure am. She was sentenced to 50 to life for something she didn't personally do or was aware that was going to happen, she just happened to be the one driving the car. 50 to life. Unreal. 

Be encouraged, especially if your loved one will be out sooner than life. Remember when I said be thankful for everything just the way it is because things could be so much worse? 

 hopeinjesusname.com