BBBBBBBBlllluuuuue
Somedays it is just too hard to get that smile onto the lips. Just want to turn around and walk away. If I make others feel good, maybe that will rub off and make me feel better? Maybe by being kind to others, God will be kind to me. He will see me as a good person and say "hey! look at her, I should give her a break now. I'll give her a tiny miracle and give her a drug or something that will lessen the pain.
People see kindness from miles away and come a running and I just open my doors. Even when my doors are closed, cooworkers stand there tapping on my glass waiting for me to wave them in. I'm always wide open. And as drained and hurting as I am, I never turned anyone away. Why? Because so many turned me away? That's pathetic; I survived and am more pragmatic than that. Because I'm lazy; nope, I'm just lazy for saying that. The answer is close though. I'm too tired to stop it. Easier to not think and just respond.
So I've discovered two things about myself of late. I have this stupid urge to want to help people and I'm like this beacon to the people around me. At work I'm too busy and exhausted, my health is at it's worst, and I feel like I'm being swarmed. I am feeling very depressed and having trouble hiding it. I need rest but not getting it beccause I won't sit still. I want to help people but don't know why. I feel I can't help myself. This long wait for the Neurologist is so hard. A year and a half with no help is absurd!!!!! I am so angry. I am in so much pain, inside and out that I want to help other people with their pain. Maybe if I help remove someone else's fears, then mine will be too. If I can find the world is going to be okay and progressive for others, then it will be for mine. I soooooo want it to change for the better. It's so hard going downhill month after month as I wait. I'm scared.
Last night I had a horrible dream where the doctor gave me some grave news. He said ""there was no alternative" I don't know what that means, but in my state of mind, it feels so horrible.
I'm so tired of being sick all the time and getting worse and hiding it. I was in the pub this afternoon and I couldn't hide it in my voice from a blind fellow. He asked why I was so quiet today, and I said I wasn't feeling well. He said is there anything wrong, and I said, who really knows. I had told him once that I had migraines. Who knows if he remembers or cares.
Tomorrow is baby Mathews first birthday and there will be a lot of people there. I just don't want to go. I just want to look into his little face and kiss his nose and get lost in his innocence. Nobody else. But I will go, and smile.
People see kindness from miles away and come a running and I just open my doors. Even when my doors are closed, cooworkers stand there tapping on my glass waiting for me to wave them in. I'm always wide open. And as drained and hurting as I am, I never turned anyone away. Why? Because so many turned me away? That's pathetic; I survived and am more pragmatic than that. Because I'm lazy; nope, I'm just lazy for saying that. The answer is close though. I'm too tired to stop it. Easier to not think and just respond.
So I've discovered two things about myself of late. I have this stupid urge to want to help people and I'm like this beacon to the people around me. At work I'm too busy and exhausted, my health is at it's worst, and I feel like I'm being swarmed. I am feeling very depressed and having trouble hiding it. I need rest but not getting it beccause I won't sit still. I want to help people but don't know why. I feel I can't help myself. This long wait for the Neurologist is so hard. A year and a half with no help is absurd!!!!! I am so angry. I am in so much pain, inside and out that I want to help other people with their pain. Maybe if I help remove someone else's fears, then mine will be too. If I can find the world is going to be okay and progressive for others, then it will be for mine. I soooooo want it to change for the better. It's so hard going downhill month after month as I wait. I'm scared.
Last night I had a horrible dream where the doctor gave me some grave news. He said ""there was no alternative" I don't know what that means, but in my state of mind, it feels so horrible.
I'm so tired of being sick all the time and getting worse and hiding it. I was in the pub this afternoon and I couldn't hide it in my voice from a blind fellow. He asked why I was so quiet today, and I said I wasn't feeling well. He said is there anything wrong, and I said, who really knows. I had told him once that I had migraines. Who knows if he remembers or cares.
Tomorrow is baby Mathews first birthday and there will be a lot of people there. I just don't want to go. I just want to look into his little face and kiss his nose and get lost in his innocence. Nobody else. But I will go, and smile.
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