Battle weary
Got into a discussion today about my X. A painful discussion. It's my own fault really... sometimes I just can't keep my big mouth shut.
It all began with this outlook about love. How when love is followed, we're never lost they said. Obviously they've never talked to someone who's been abused by a soul mate. I KNOW I shouldn't have said anything.... KNOW it would cause a disruption. But I did it anyways.... and was promptly told that it shouldn't be said. WHY shouldn't it be said? WHY is abuse such a dirty little secret.... one that is right there in front of us and EVERYBODY turns their backs to it. Even those of us experiencing it don't see it... until it either smacks us in the face or someone trustworthy tells you (it took BOTH for me to "get it"). And worse... more people came into the discussion, wearing their own rose colored glasses (believe me, my glasses were HUGE), making all of us women look like we DESERVE it and anything else people will dish out to us because we're too blind to realize what we're losing - our livelihoods, our self esteem, our VALUES. Just to have the discussion, I had to open my heart up.... the broken part. I had to look at how blind I was... how everything was so wrong and yet I kept pretending it was fine. Believed it was fine. Lived and loved as if it was fine. And it TERRIFIES me that I'm going to just walk right back into that same situation all over again when it's time for someone new....
I feel today like I've been battling the world, and in a sense I am and I'm losing. Neighbor issues cropped up again (now he wants to be my best friend again so he can find out what I've been planting - NOT gonna happen), one of my dogs got hurt this morning and the "cure" was worse than the initial injury so I feel guilty, and I worry about my family. OMG. FAMILY.... My brother tried to rip off one of his legs and spent a week in ICU (he's gonna be ok, but has a LONG recovery process to go through)... Dad decided to mail my sisters a copy of the notice that I'm getting 5% of my grandmother's estate and they're not (THANKS, Dad!)... My sister who's feeling it the most is going through a foreclosure (but found out today she may qualify for loan modification)... and my other sister just became a grandmother yesterday -- the baby was born on the bathroom floor of my niece's apartment (both Mom and baby are going to be ok).
(SIGH) I KNOW most of this is no longer anything to worry about. I KNOW tomorrow I'll be thinking I'm recharged and ready to go for it again. But today, I'm TIRED. FRUSTRATED. LONELY.
Sorry for the sadness.... just needed to lay it down a bit to rest before I pick up my "sword and shield" for tomorrow.
LATER.
It all began with this outlook about love. How when love is followed, we're never lost they said. Obviously they've never talked to someone who's been abused by a soul mate. I KNOW I shouldn't have said anything.... KNOW it would cause a disruption. But I did it anyways.... and was promptly told that it shouldn't be said. WHY shouldn't it be said? WHY is abuse such a dirty little secret.... one that is right there in front of us and EVERYBODY turns their backs to it. Even those of us experiencing it don't see it... until it either smacks us in the face or someone trustworthy tells you (it took BOTH for me to "get it"). And worse... more people came into the discussion, wearing their own rose colored glasses (believe me, my glasses were HUGE), making all of us women look like we DESERVE it and anything else people will dish out to us because we're too blind to realize what we're losing - our livelihoods, our self esteem, our VALUES. Just to have the discussion, I had to open my heart up.... the broken part. I had to look at how blind I was... how everything was so wrong and yet I kept pretending it was fine. Believed it was fine. Lived and loved as if it was fine. And it TERRIFIES me that I'm going to just walk right back into that same situation all over again when it's time for someone new....
I feel today like I've been battling the world, and in a sense I am and I'm losing. Neighbor issues cropped up again (now he wants to be my best friend again so he can find out what I've been planting - NOT gonna happen), one of my dogs got hurt this morning and the "cure" was worse than the initial injury so I feel guilty, and I worry about my family. OMG. FAMILY.... My brother tried to rip off one of his legs and spent a week in ICU (he's gonna be ok, but has a LONG recovery process to go through)... Dad decided to mail my sisters a copy of the notice that I'm getting 5% of my grandmother's estate and they're not (THANKS, Dad!)... My sister who's feeling it the most is going through a foreclosure (but found out today she may qualify for loan modification)... and my other sister just became a grandmother yesterday -- the baby was born on the bathroom floor of my niece's apartment (both Mom and baby are going to be ok).
(SIGH) I KNOW most of this is no longer anything to worry about. I KNOW tomorrow I'll be thinking I'm recharged and ready to go for it again. But today, I'm TIRED. FRUSTRATED. LONELY.
Sorry for the sadness.... just needed to lay it down a bit to rest before I pick up my "sword and shield" for tomorrow.
LATER.
Replies
I certainly understand feeling tired, frustrated and lonely. Why should you have to keep your mouth shut. You are entitled to voice your opinion on any subject; even following love.
You are certainly entitled to write whatever you are feeling on here. Isn\'t that part of what we use this site for? To leave our troubles, wants and never agains on here so we can start fresh the next day. It does help to get the sadness out. Somehow it lessens what we/I feel. There are bits and pieces of my hurt all over this site but it\'s not always recognized as something that bothers me.I\'m told my writing has a calming effect and yes writing out my day, problems and hurts does calm me.
I would laugh at the neighbor. He\'s so transparent. You can\'t do anything about the sisters. You can only accept what you grandmother wants you to have and they will have to adjust or not. Sometimes family is highly overrated.
So you continue to write what you are feeling and the next day strive for a better day.
Thanks, Trisha. I needed to hear that. My sisters aren\'t mad at me - just VERY hurt that Dad felt the need to hurt them (and the cover letter he sent was definitely intended to hurt). Some days (though they\'re getting less and less), I just FEEL. Thanks again!
I think abuse is something many people don\'t want to discuss. We feel better if we minimise it and put a \'good\' spin on it. Many people just don\'t understand it. I know I didn\'t until the last couple of years. Bullying is another one. I work in schools. Each school has it\'s own antibullying policy but very few will admit that bullying happens in their four Walls. They prefer to call it something more palatable. Yet bullying is so common.
I am sorry you were not heard in that conversation. You can be sure there are people here who understand what abuse is though.
Settling the estate of a dead relative can bring good things into people\'s lives or be very hurtful. When my mother died I lost who I thought I was and what little family I had left.
It was very hurtful for your father to do that to all of you.
Most definitely! I agree with Trisha, until my Mother died I thought I had grown up a very happy and loved daughter. But as soon as she died, the truth came out and it still isn\'t pretty. As to the abuse, I too could not recognize the truth, I just kept spinning it and making excuses. Just was throwing out some old papers from before the divorce and found an envelope addressed to X at his work. Dated 3 1/2 years after we were married. From one of his old girlfriends, it was a copy of a bank or stock account that was in her\'s and his name only. She was bragging about how much money \"they\" had in the account! This was after we had bought her house and I discovered on his credit report that she was listed as his wife! Of course when I said something it was dismissed as just another one of those mistakes credit bureau\'s make! Now I am not so sure. At around the same time as this letter, one of my X\'s female co-workers(that I had met and she seemed to like me)told me, she had told \"that woman, not to come around to see X any more because he was now a happily married man!\". At the time I thought it was innocent enough and believed X\'s dismissal of that as well. Now I am not so sure....Don\'t let anyone on here ever make you feel like your opinion is not valid! There are some real winners on here, but in general most people are like the ones who comment on your journal! Really Good People! I get so much from reading your journals and I learn a lot about how I should be living my new life. I don\'t ever want to see you leave except if you are happy and just plain to busy to write anymore!!!! :) ((( Hugs)))
Not \"her\" house I meant \"the\" house.
Thanks so much for the comments - I can\'t imagine how I\'d ever have gotten through all this if it weren\'t for all you guys!
The discussion was on Facebook, with a group that I thought would be real... be truthful. They called themselves \"Women Who Changed The World\"... well, apparently they don\'t intend to change the world themselves. Because when I brought it up (I was even nice about it) I was criticized, censored, deleted. Apparently they admire women who changed the world because it paved the way so they could become too comfortable in their own worlds. Makes me sad instead of angry... How many of them are going to wake up 20, 30 years down the road and go OMG. And Mac, {{HUGS}} I know EXACTLY what you mean... we\'ll get through this!