Balancing the Warrior 6
Hubs got through to the contractor to take a good ol' boy pulse last night. He got the sense of an honorable man who could use some outside scheduling support, but will carry through, eventually. It doesn't sound like the work will resume this coming Monday, either, but hubs is encouraging me to resist pushing send on the text to fire his procrastinating ass.
Surprisingly, this morning finds my meditations on balancing the warrior shifting to my fellow women. At least half the paralyzing voices in the personification I have dubbed, The Dumb Broad Show are female. Possibly more. It is hard to know. The Dumb Broad Show has been more than half a century in the casting. It is a BIG cast. It might be easier to tell the gender distinctions in a mob of crows than in the opinionated cast of The Dumb Broad Show. My co-workers and family members remain over-whelmingly male, but the feminist crowd hasnae become less vociferous or aggresive since the days of bra burning.
Working through a psychosis is. . . Let's call it "Just Plain Hard" for now. In my strictly personal psychotic episodes, distinguishing fact from delusion is somewhere between difficult and impossible. The Dumb Broad Show is a personification of my meanest, most conflicted, strictly personal psychosis. Inside my strictly personal skin, the ancient but still lively political debate surrounding gender stereotypes feeds the psychosis far more than the voice of reason.
Whatever the whats of that chaos, my military service was my first honest shot in life. It gave me a ticket out of the throw-away kid camps and provided my entry into the long coveted university campuses, albeit as an "older" student. I was 22 before I was finally able to enroll in college. And yet, I seldom stand to be counted when public speakers call for an honoring of the Veterans in the audience. Spare me the politics, please.
Sorting. . . Small steps, big faith and lots of prayer.
Replies
Voice of reason as I define it in my personal cosmos:
So.... If you get the feeling this guy just needs a good calendar manager, will it do harm to let him procrastinate, other than to your psychological whatevers? I have no idea. Will you want to take over? Yep. THat's human nature. Typical. Not a psychosis or antyhing else, beyond that given us by evolution.
As for gender stereotypes, I have always defied them, without trying, by simply existing. Still do. Long after bras were burned. Apparently, I cannot love to cook and feel better while cleaning *and* all the rest without confusing everyone except, apparently, myself and my hubby. Beyond that, does it even matter? For me, personally, no. Fo rthe world? Well, probably yes, and yet... Whose cosmos do I live in? The one defined by 7 billion other people, or th eone I'm defining as I go?
I think that just boiled down to tending the beam in my own psyche before commenting on motes in anyone else's.
But take it, please, as it is meant: Support, as you sort and ponder and struggle.
Sincere appreciation for the support, Leo. It is muchly needed.
For sure, the contractor isnae a voice in my Dumb Broad psychosis. Hubs most definitely is, but I havenae known the contractor long enough for anything personal. He is merely a trigger. Nor is he the only trigger in my current round of flashbacks, et al. It is a complex and strictly personal psychosis. My self-praise in this go-round is that I seem to be doing well at keeping the triggers separate from the psychosis. Today's women who are traumatized by raised toilet seats arenae the same women who nagged about it half a century ago, in between tirades over why their daughters would never be allowed to wear pants or cut their hair, nor be allowed to associate with White Trash like me, though their sons were welcome to "sow a few wild oats" with me . Dare I believe that is strictly personal progress? At least the personified cast of the psychosis isnae growing larger?
Circa 1964, when my speech handicapped child self became the first girl in the state's still new gifted math and science program, (fact still unconfirmed) I had five brothers and five sisters in the kiddie whorehouse I called home. Neither side of the ensuing political controversy over whether girls belonged in the gifted math and science program made a lick of sense to me. Still doesn't, especially when I watch the confusion of my counter-parts in today's schools.
Keeping it personal is still growing as a guiding voice through the Dumb Broad psychosis. If I can't take it personal, just let it fall and walk away. There is nothing personal in a political rant. A quality of politics, especially when the debates are over stereotypes, is that THEY have a humiliation for all. If the right fist don't get you, the left fist will.
Still sorting. . . Still feeling fragile. . .
As a born nerd, I ran into a variety of "But girls..." arguments. I still intensely dislike that sense of some vague huge "THEY" out there on either end of any spectrum of political-social-whatevers. Somebody's going to make someone feel miserable. For what? Intellectually, I know the spiel. In my heart/self/soul? I want to be a good puma and find a remote den and stay out of that chaos. I have enough of my own.
Gentle puma power-boost to you.
THEY rants remain one of my nastiest triggers, as are undefined pronouns in general. If the expostulator can't put strictly personal names and faces to the pronouns, I need to walk away lest I start itching for my nothing personal ? ? ? Call ^it^ what you please. . .
You seem to be handling this latest evolution in construction with Grace still, kudos. As to the gender stereotypes, triple hugs. My empathy is huge, and imagine the further complications of societal pondering when you add homosexuality to the mix.
Ooooooooo deeeeeeeee enough to make you need therapy again lol
Homosexuality is solidly in the strictly personal mix, Nancy. The kiddie whorehouse was all-sexual and it hasn't gotten any simpler from there. Therapy ongoing and far from fit for political debate. . .
Gentle empathy on your plight. Sincere appreciation for the encouragement.
I have no room on my to do list for political debate either~ so not worth the energy it takes. Igot my fingers crossed for you that time will reveal this guy to be honorable but challenged. hugs
Thank you, Nancy. As long as I keep ^it^ out of the political chaos, my homosexual traumas arenae any more conflicted than the rest of the kiddie whorehouse snot knots. People are people. Ah-choo. . .
Even the most honorable of us have handicaps to challenge us. Here's to hoping. . .
I'm sending good vibes and love your way! All we can do is proactively try and pull ourselves out of anxiety, dissociation, psychosis etc. You're doing what you know you need to to get back to a subnormal state. I use subnormal because I don't think any of us really have a normal rhythm of anything lol