Balancing the Warrior 4
The evolution for which I am most grateful in this body of weirds is the dialog between Hubs and I. Is this the same office worker who championed the cause of every constructo who made my work day miserable during the Bitch of No Return breakdown? You've come a long way, Baby. This particular evolution has been happening throughout this entire pilgramage. It is bigger than this particular project.
During last night's ramble, we decided to test the possibility that it really is a gender issue behind the contractor's stonewall. We have no way of knowing what lives behind a stonewall, but if it is a gender issue, testosterone has a far better chance of discernment than estrogen. Hubs is going to give him a call and see if he can get further than I have in the same spirit in which I used to send the cutest boy on my crew to deal with the flaming woman haters on the job sites. A honey-doer will fess up to another man far quicker than he will fess up to the honey he is doing.
"Ball-hogging" is an Alanon cliche to speak of control issues. Ball-hogging speaks of the control issues which cause us to never let anybody else have a chance to work through their own problems and/or let their own light shine. For most of our 37 years together, Hubs has triggered like a former HS basketball star when I let the phrase slip during our conversations. Sports fan I ain't, so it took me a goodly while to discover that ball-hogging means something entrely different in a locker room than it does in an Alanon room. The discovery was a during random moment when I happened to overhear a sports announcer as I passed a barely noticed TV broadcast. For most of our years together, I have simply accepted Hubs's extreme dislike of the term and tried to avoid using it during our conversations. Another toughie since it is used so casually in my peer support network. I amnae sure I did any better with that one than I did in changing gears from the Bitch of No Return to Mommy at the end of every work day. Hubs offered dramatic reminders every time I slipped.
Was it Hubs who introduced the term into last night's conversation about whether or not he should take a shot at talking to the conractor? I honestly do not know, but the analogy evolved to a discussion of the difference between him accepting a pass and his elbowing me out of the way to take the shot his way.
Sorting. . . Small steps, big faith and lots of prayer.
Replies
Ummm.... Yeah. THat's an Alanon term this sports-loving girl never uses. Ever. I settle for "Control Freakiness". Glad you and Hubs can have better/more effecitve/ whatever term you prefer dialogue.
BTW, yeah, I've had to use the Hubby's testosterone to "get results". Frustrating, but effective. Alas.
Peace and support continue
Sorry for the offense, sports-lover. I was introduced to the term through Alanon and really could use some education on what makes it offensive to sports-lovers. Honest ignorance. I am still praying for a way to make it okay that I never developed a passion for sports, much less mastered the dialect. Faking it isnae my strong suit.
Gratitude for the peace and support.
Well, ball-hogging on the court is just a selfish grandstanding bullshit move. A ball hog repeats it. FOr their own glory. Fuck the team, it's the "ME!" show sort of thing.
In my experience (as a girl no less), when one was "ball hogging" in the locker room... It was rather more about unwelcome comparisons between testicular endowments, and/or referred to the "ball hog" on the court being a right royal snobby SOB to those "beneath" him. The ultimate non-team player on a team outside the game as well as during. Sometimes with male-on-male derision of virility. E.g., confront a basketball player in the locker room about never passing to anyone who is open, and the teenage reply at my school was often, "you're not big enough to handle the balls I have", and it degenerated from there.
Again, that's my experience.
It occurs in every sport, except probably tennis singles and golf. Hard to know how you'd tear down the team to glorify yourslef in those situations as a rule. The term "show-off" is more comfortable for me, b/c of that whole testicular connotation. I just get unpleasant images. Yeesh.
Offend away. ALanon was thinking on-court behvaior only. They didn't go gto my high school.
The girl's locker room context is new to me. Thank you. Yea, that's pretty gross. Neither Hubby's crowd nor the constructos who tried to explain it told me about that one.
Still not understanding the offensiveness of the court definition, unless the shoe fits proverbially well. Fits the Alanon usage to a T, as applied to alcoholic family dysfunction. Still. . . Mine isnae to question other people's triggers. What triggers ya triggers ya.
I remain blindingly phobic around athletic arenas. . .Nomads --new kids-- of both genders are not safe in locker rooms. Locker rooms are cruel, cruel places for outsiders.
And some wonder why I'm thrilled that neither kid was interested in organized sports. Nor do I think that they teach "teamwork", dedication, or sacrifice.
My faith in the system was lost watching how the kindergarten teachers stood on the sidelines and let the kids just go at each other. I don't mean an all out physical fight...but with words...oh yeah. With the way they'd let some kids cut the others out of their games...oh yeah. I wasn't there to see for myself after that...but I know it was going on.
I respect sports on the basis that I feel much safer when the Townies are going at each other within the confines of an arena rather than blowing up the world to get at each other. As a mother, I came to appreciate the value of keeping kids off the streets.
As for holding kindergarten teachers responsible for how kids play. . .
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SW0oqLcdPZ0
How they play...no.
Turning a blind eye to bullying...is another thing.
Uh.... the "ball hogging" got literal in the *boys* locker room. We could hear it through the wall. Yeah. No thanks. Ew. Gross. Did not want to know boys torment each other that way....
Meanwhile.... I am a sport fan and former athletic type but never particularly into it for the stardom or applause. It got me the hell outta my dad's way, I hung with a few friends, and, of course, it helped me look good for college!
Hm-m-m-m-m. . . If hubs was slang-literal-ball-hogged in the locker room, it could explain the trigger effect when I use the term. Sounds downright traumatic. Empathy due? I may have to go digging on that tidbit. Maybe. Hubs has come a long way, but he still tends to start counting blessings and/or trying to fix other people rather than dealing with his own pain. Small steps, big faith and lots of prayer.
I am gonna dodge the ball thing sideways, and just say it will be interesting to see the result your hubs has on the contractor. And yeah, big picture is to get job done and be rid of this contractor so whatever works and kudos if it helps reduce the stress.
and kudos to remain so calm still about the situation. admiration~ triple hugs
Thank you for bringing the thread back on topic, Nancy. Triple hugs for the steadying support. It's a tough bone to chew.
I missed a digit on the phone number I texted to hubs. His text letting me know it was a wrong number just as I was leaving for a walk. That turned into another rambling conversation between us as I leaned on my city trash can, looking at the massive trash pile that used to be the old out-building. Ultimately, I decided to think of the missed digit as a God Whisper.
Still. . , I'm not much trusting myself or my spiritual reception right now. I resent the correct number and told Hubs, "In you I trust." He told me he would listen for his own God Whispers and play it by ear. I haven't heard from Hubs yet. It feels like the silver lining to the cloud that I really do trust Hubs on it, What will be will be,
Indeed. and I like that, God Whispers :) hugs
I have since started worrying that my suspected silver lining of trusting in Hubs is a backslide to the co-dependent yaddahs. . .
Sigh. . . Over-thinking comes so naturally to me. So does denial. . .
I thought you were the one I stole "God Whispers" from. For sure it was somebody here on DS.
lol could have been. I wish I could keep track of myself and the writing and thought process but you know how it goes... I'm lucky i've got the tie my shoes and one leg at time down, no sense trying for too much lol
breathe through the overthinking, and ignore the denial, is what I was told once. hmmmm
I think I over-think my way into denial. It's okay if I jump into that vat of boiling oil because. . .
The because strings often spin out some of my most quotable quotes. Did I say that?!?!?!?
Breathing. . .