Bad times

I have had a very bad week & some months. This is hard for me, trying to carry on without Jeff. I cry too often, I cry with intensity these days that has been absent for a very long time. I saw a picture of Jeff on my niece's wall yesterday and couldn't stop wailing. I leave my post at work to cry in the bathroom too often. When a coworker asked what I was doing in the bathroom all of the time that makes my eyes bloodshot I told her I was getting high. If I get caught being sad I will lose my job. If  they think I'm doing drugs they'll send me for a urine test and pay me to sit in an office waiting room for two hours. I might like that, I could read. I started smoking again. I just like to smoke.
For the entire time since Jeff passed I have been wanting to celebrate his birthday but my family thought it was just too sad and talked me out of it. This time it was my mom's idea and my niece, the one with the Jeffy tattoo that I ADORE bought the cake. By the time everyone gathered on Christmas eve (Jeff's birthday) it was too dark so we waited until Christmas day. That's OK, some of us had to travel to get there. So we sent off 30 balloons (I have now been a mother for 30 years!) One for each of Jeff's 30 years and we put notes inside every balloon. There was one balloon that I thought was black so I put a slip of paper that said FREEBIRD on it inside the balloon and it ended up being purple. Even better. It was the 1st balloon let off on purpose. Two got away on accident. I said 1. 2. 3. and we all yelled FREEBIRD. I let the balloon go and it went straight into a tree. My husband released it from the tree and it came right to me. Not even going up, just floating down. It circled me and skipped away sideways, crossed the entire acre plot before it went into the air. This reminded me of a quite wonderful flower in Mission bay that kept blowing right back into me as I threw it into the water over and over again. That took me to a wonderful memory of "someone's" hair being blown off her head, right into me the same way. Fun memories! That's just what I needed!
The day before I went to the retreat in San Diego I ran across a little blue bandana scarf that I thought might make Momma B feel better if I wore. You know, so she wouldn't be the only one. She LOVED IT!!! I still have it. Still wear it. I will keep it forever.